"Like out of the Far East..."

I am…so very arrogant.

What I mean to say is that I am sorry, both to myself and to others that have spoken to me that I claimed I had done everything there is to do about my situation. There is still hope, and I wish I had the courage to acknowledge it to those who spoke to me – even those who spoke anonymously to me over this blog. In my hurt, I gave myself permission to pridefully proclaim that all other opinions about the situation were null and void, and that my despair was gospel.

Today, I spoke to someone in my profession who is much more experienced than I, and has been very credible to me since the moment I met him…often in a way I couldn't deny, even if I wanted to. This man, a 'mentor' if there ever was one, just speaks to me, and I believe what he says. Today I told him all about what has happened to me over the past several years, and he spoke to me about a philosophy toward my problems so bold and tenacious that I would never have thought of it myself. I can be bold and tenacious if the situation calls for it, but at heart I am cautious, and think first of the cautious approach to situations.

I did not agree to all that he said – not yet, at least – but I did acknowledge that his idea was attractive to me. I told him that his idea was a philosophy "like out of the Far East," a foreign idea coming to those Westerners who thought they knew it all. I did think I knew it all – but clearly I did not.

I have often spoke of characters from stories in this blog. I have readily admitted in one particular blog post that I admire most the characters who never give up, who are bold and tenacious. Like Han Solo, Magus, Vegeta, or William Wallace. I like them because we are so unalike, but they have qualities I wish I had. I told this to my mentor, and he told me that all men wish for such qualities. He is probably right. I am not special in this – but I am special in that I’m willing to try.

I've come too far to do anything else.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream full of boldness and tenacity.

Mr. Brightside.

"I just can't look, it's killing me...and taking control. Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibies. But it's just the price I pay! Destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes. 'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside.

I'm seeing a counselor again. She seems like a nice lady and everything, but I think I can tell what direction we're going to take. It's the same conclusion that my last counselor and I reached - that there's nothing to do, that other people and the world are what they are, and all I can do is become stronger, more tolerant, and carry on.

I am convinced that who I am is good. I really care about other people and am empathetic to them, and am a far better listener than anyone else I know. That is something I will never try to change, even if it makes me so lonely sometimes when I want the same in return. Even if it leads to periods like this where I want to disappear forever.

It is also true that every time I go through a period like this, I become more tolerant of the next one. I am beginning to feel better already, and though I know I am not even close to where I was last October, when I was probably the happiest I had ever been in my entire life, this is still a relatively quick recovery for me.

But I don't want my life to be all about being Mr. Brightside and just hoping for things that won't come. It would be nice someday to know that all I hoped for really was going to come true. That true, loyal, loving life-long friends will be mine. That I can get married and make a family. Unlike in the Killers song posted above, it would be nice to not watch while other people receive what I want from life, while I watch and hope for my turn.

I know there is nothing to be done, except to be a stronger person. At my mother's funeral, that was one of the things I quoted from her during the eulogy. "Don't pray for an easy life, pray to be a strong person." OK, Mom. I will.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to be a strong person.

Futility.

It's not so much what happened, it's how it happened.

If I fail at something, I want to know that it's a part of something greater, and that I could have done better - just not now. I want to know that I made mistakes that I could not have fixed before my failure, but that I will never make them again because of the failure.

I think I'm beyond that now.

Writing this blog has heightened my awareness of just how cyclical my life is. Compare the following posts:

http://jpsdream.blogspot.com/2014/01/on-regrouping.html AND http://jpsdream.blogspot.com/2012/05/death-exile-and-magus.html

That's just one example of the repetition of my problems. In the end, I really believe I don't care that I'm not dating anyone. I believe my present frustration and sadness has nothing to do with the fact I got snubbed again, after 5 months of preparation. I don't think I'm even really bothered that the only person I've been interested in a long time is dating someone now. Other empathetic, interesting, fun, intuitive women exist. I've met plenty (even if none of them liked me like that). But what I do know for sure is that I am so put out by the futility of it all...the futility of this cycle. It seems like nothing I do really matters. I have tried every strategy I've heard of, I've approached it at all kinds of angles, I've pursued women who were friends before I liked them and I've pursued women I just met. I've worked through fear, discouragement, and despair to do all of this, and none of it really mattered.

Is it really any surprise if I say that I would really rather not bother with it anymore, even if I want to get married?

The same goes for anything else, really. The only three things I really care about are friends, love, and God. And of course, those are the three things that I have the biggest problems with. It has never really made any difference how much effort I put into any sort of strategy or lack of strategy. Things always turn out however they were meant to turn out. And the result is rarely anything I'm pleased with.

If I'm supposed to only meet people who really don't live up to what I always hope for in a friendship, then why can't I just be someone who needs different things from a friend? Why did I become someone who craves a friendship based only on how people feel, and not something easy like a love of sports? Why do I want to have friends who reach out to me, instead of friends who stay in their own world? It just doesn't make any sense to me that I would become a person exactly unsuited to their environment, and then find it impossible to escape it.

I have really met my limit many times, and always pushed beyond it. I'm there now. I've had enough of life. Someday, I will be glad I am alive. And then I will suffer disappointment again, and realize that I just reached another point in the cycle. And in the end, nothing will change. Because nothing ever really changes. New job, new city, all the same problems. And none of my dreams have come true. It's hard to believe when I started this blog, I still believed in dreams. That's why I gave this blog the title I gave it, and end each post with a variation of the same sentence. But now, I don't believe in dreams anymore. I think dreams are a lie that serve as a foundation for false hope. I believe some people never get what they want from life.

I believe I will be one of them.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream that was no dream at all.

Trying again.

"Despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt." -J.R.R. Tolkien

It's amazing how thoroughly clouded my view of the world around me can be when I am upset. The world can seem like such a dark place when you've gone a long time without hope of good things to come. You start to forget about the love and kindness that you are being shown by others right now. I can only say how sorry I am that I do not recognize it like I should.

Furthermore, the rather dark nature of this blog over the past year has more than once got me into trouble. Hard words can be interpreted in even harder ways. I no longer know how to reconcile my desire to share my feelings while being obscure enough to conceal my identity and the true circumstances of my life from the internet, and also being understood perfectly. It has gotten me scolded once, and now I've lost a friend for it - or rather, accelerated a disintegration of one.

I do not know how to reverse this process I am going through. It is true that I have a poor attitude. A very poor attitude, indeed. I am attempting to improve this. Already I have made progress. I have enjoyed a wedding without being focused on self-pity very much for the first time in a few years. Furthermore, I feel I have gained some measure of resolved toward rectifying my spiritual life. This is progress.

I think what is most needed in my life right now is to maintain an attitude of gratitude for whatever it is I have right now. It is useless to continue to count my losses, whatever they may be. I have a small group of people in my life that really seem to care about me. I really don't know why. I think most people I interact with I make uncomfortable or am just rather grumpy and rude. But that shouldn't matter. They are there, so they are there. In addition, I also need to be more generous and less self-focused. Of course if I focus on myself, I will  get lost in all the sad things that have happened to me. I will get lost in my worry about the future and my anger over having to let go of my passion for my vocation and focus only on my career. If I give myself to others in whatever way I can, maybe I will forget about myself altogether. Nothing that happens to me has to bother me. That is my burden, my responsibility. I can feel good about life, even if I don't know how yet.

It's just time to try again.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to start over.

Elysian fields await.

"Might have to go...where they don't...know my name. Float all over the world...just to see her again. And I won't...show I feel...any pain. Even though all my armor might rust...in the rain. A simple plot. But I know one thing: good things are coming my way."

I've said it before and I'll say it again: you teach people how they are allowed to treat you. Every time you tolerate people who do things you don't like to you, you teach them they are allowed to do it. No more.

I haven't been mistreated lately, but I feel like I have and that's enough for me. I have to break the pattern that causes me so much pain, brought on by my own ambitions concerning other people. Sometimes, you just have to know when to quit. And so I have. The game is over. I have not won, but I certainly haven't lost.

I have a long memory for hurt and I don't feel like I've deserved much of what has come my way. But from what little talent God has given me I've made much. I've got a good head on my shoulders...well, at least the people who have seen me at my best think so. I have a talent for making people feel good with only my voice. I've grown more and more into the kind of person I've always wanted to be, despite childhood assurance I would become nothing, or at least nothing good.

In less than a year, I will be leaving this place. This place that has given me so many good and bad memories. I will have no problem making new friends wherever I go, and I know that someday I will meet a woman who can relate to me on my own level. I will ride into Elysium, and no one can stop me.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for the Elysian fields.

Just the facts.

School has begun, and it's been much as I expected.

I really don't have a lot of time anymore, and pretty much as soon as I have homework and work starts, I will have no time at all. For much of anything. It's only a matter of time before people will wonder where I have gone - some out of genuine concern, most out of detached curiosity. Mostly I will wonder why no one saw this coming when I made it practically my mission in life to be with these people as much as possible while I still could...before I left.

I don't know if people consider the life-span of their relationships much when they decide how they will conduct them, but I know in my case no one has...yet. I'll be gone in less than a year, and already I might as well be gone now because I no longer have time for what I would consider a meaningful relationship. I still entertain the idea of entering a romantic relationship as well, but I heavily doubt my own capability in making a proper decision regarding women since every other time I've made one it's ended in a disaster much further beyond what would be considered the normal or usual pains of entering/attempting a relationship. This is kind of new to me - usually when faced with even the possibility of romance I am excited - and apparently too excited to actually make a good discernment decision. Now, however, I feel merely apprehensive and doubtful, and I think I have good reason to do so. It's difficult enough to explain in person, so I won't even try to elaborate here.

It's no longer up for debate whether or not I am happy - I have definitely not been happy for quite a long time and have no one to blame for it, really. It's hard to complain when you know that the problem lies either with you or no one at all. I am generally incompetent in at least one component of anything I try to accomplish, whether it be the paperwork part of counseling, the motivation aspect of earning a living, or the discernment part of a relationship, and whenever I am reminded of that, I usually end up not wanting to do anything except what I have to do.

I know no one ever really seems to believe a word I say regarding my feelings, self-concept, general state in life, etc. but at least when I write things out here on the Internet, I can get a sense that I have explained myself as best as I can. I don't really hope for much besides a chance to explain myself, and I better get used to it, too, because that will likely be the last thing I do before entering heaven (or hell): explaining myself. I suppose if I can get that right nothing else will really have mattered.

That's it, just the facts. Thanks for reading, whoever you may be.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream that's a fact.

Seeing the Future.

I think every man gets at a point in his life (at least once) where he realizes that the choices he is making may lead him to either exhilarating happiness or anguish. I think I am at one of these points. However, I think either result is fine by me. Allow me to explain.

Should I continue along in my prayer and discernment of my vocation, there is a high likelihood that I will end up at a point where my future is contingent on someone else's decision rather than my own. It may be a few weeks, or even a few months from now. But no matter what, it is certain that either result would leave me in tears: of joy or grief.

If in joy, well, then that's obviously great. In grief, though, there is good in that, too. I don't think people understand how wonderful sadness can be. There is a different kind of joy in knowing that you've given something your all and it didn't turn out quite the way you expected - because as long as you've done the right thing, you know you will be happy again. And when the moment comes when you've shed all your tears...those are the best days. The days when you have hope again. That is a wonderful feeling.

I will look forward to this future...I can't predict anything but I can see that whatever happens, as long as I remain in Christ there will be joy again.

There was a dream I dreamed, a dream for great hope for the future.

The lost virtues.

"Might have to go where they don't know my name...Float all over the world...just to see her again! And I won't show or fear any pain, even though all my armor might rust in the rain! A simple plot...but I know one day...good things are coming our way."
-Coldplay, "Up With the Birds"

I have been wanting to write about something for a long time.

I have a friend I've known since high school. Often when I think of this friend I regress emotionally to the level of a little girl. It's embarrassing to admit but I say this for a reason.

I've spent my entire life doing a lot of things. I think the most profound of these is my own quest for power - Power over myself.

I have lived a life lacking integrity. I've lived in fear and despair.  I was brought up to hate myself and to fear those I lived with. I never thought anything would get better.

My mother was the only person in my family I could really talk to. I lost her at 16. I really didn't appreciate her as I should...she really let me take a lot out on her. The guilt of it stayed with me for a long time. I'm still getting over it.

My friend in high school...well, she has had some kind of strange affect on me. I haven't seen her in years, but I've never been able to forget about her. I still worry about her, and I don't know why.

A long time ago, she shared a lot about her life with me. She has had a very hard life. She had a lot of trust issues with males, but for whatever reason she gave me hers. I blew it. I was impatient with her and said some stupid things I really wish I could take back. We're still friends, technically. But it's been so hard to stay in touch with her. There have been periods many months long where I lost all contact.

She's not the only friend I've betrayed either. With my year and a half long hermitage lasting over my sophomore and junior year of college, I really lost a lot of friendships that I've never really been able to get back.

Trouble is, I never really wanted to do any of these things. I knew what I was doing was stupid and I did it anyway. I lacked integrity.

What's more is, I lacked courage to do what was right. There are so many people in my life who could have benefited from me having the courage to say something they really needed to hear...or, I could have benefited from saying or doing something to make a change in my life.

And over all, my lack of hope for change made me unable to develop any of these virtues.

I have so much regret. I could have made it clear to my mother how much I loved her. I could have made a difference in my friend's life. I could have matched my thoughts to my actions and been responsible with my time...and not been a bad friend.

On a cold November night in 2009, I got a phone call that made me snap. I totally lost it. It took me three months to really get over what I heard on that phone. What I was told made me realize all at once how lost I really was. I'm not really even sure if it was all due to that phone call, but I have to place the start of my change somewhere, and I guess that's it. Maybe I'll never know how or when, but somehow, it happened. My lost virtues...just sort of came.

I know a lot of people probably feel the same way, but the band Coldplay seems to write songs about me. The songs...just get it. How I feel.

How I "Might have to go where they don't know my name...

How I would love to just "Float all over the world...just to see her again!"

How I'm determined not to "show or fear any pain, even though all my armor might rust in the rain!"

It's "A simple plot...but I know one day...good things are coming our way."

I only hope that maybe someday, I can look back on my life and really believe that I made up for what I failed to do because of who I was. That I can say I lived a life of integrity, courage, and hope.

I hope.

Seagulls, my favorite animal, in a picture particularly applicable to this post

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for hope, courage, and integrity to be renewed.

An Outcome-Switching Recovery!

Bada bump ba dum...BADADADADADUMP! *heroic trumpet blasts and electric guitar riffs*

I may have said this before, but I love the parts in Dragon Ball Z and other stories where one of the heroes, just out of the blue, makes the most unexpected return to battle, just in time to save someone from certain death.

In particular I remember a part in Dragon Ball Z where Goku is desperately preparing a Spirit Bomb to annihilate the villain Frieza...pretty much his last hope of defeating him. However, the only way to gather the energy is to stand still for a little while with his hands in the air. Completely defenseless.

The tired and wounded Piccolo, Gohan, and Krillin watch in horror as Frieza slowly loses patience waiting for Goku to do something and begins slowly killing him. Thinking fast, Piccolo joins hands with Gohan and Krillin, taking their remaining energy and using it to propel himself at ultra-fast speeds and kick Frieza halfway across the planet, just as Frieza was about to punch his hand through Goku's face. "Hurry up and finish that thing!" He says. "I used up all the energy I had left in that attack!" Frieza comes back moments later and he and Piccolo face off...Piccolo unable to protect himself as he desperately tries to buy time by taking the entirety of the powerful Frieza's attacks...until Goku finally finishes his Spirit Bomb and attacks, saving Piccolo just as Frieza is about to finish him off!

I feel like that's a little bit of what's occurred since my last post. I got accepted into grad school for counseling, which means I get to stick around in the place I love for a while longer. Whatever has been bothering me about my relationships and my faith has suddenly disappeared. Things have made an outcome-switching recovery.

Every time I feel really upset for a while and I don't know what to do about it, in my childish fashion I often imagine I'm someone else. What would Piccolo do? I ask. Well, he'd probably say something totally awesome like "I'll take care of this monster myself!" and then shoot off into battle to the tune of "An Outcome-Switching Recovery"...and that's what I try to imagine I am doing even while completing mundane tasks and not actually really doing anything to eliminate the problem. Usually because there is no solution. It does make me feel better.

But in times when suddenly my problems disappear and I have control of my life again, I do feel like Piccolo. I'll blast "Outcome-Switching Recovery" on my speakers and smile. That's what I'm doing now.

Bada bump ba bum...DADADUMBADA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for the unexpected return of happiness.

Glasses of water.

"Oh they say you could see your future,
Inside a glass of water
With riddles and the rhymes
Will I see heaven in mine?
Oh Oh Oh..."

I could sure use a glass of water like that.

So, I worry about the future quite a bit. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? What is God calling me to? What are my options? Sometimes I don't like to think about it.

I must admit that sometimes I have a fantasy future. This future is full of fun things like children, a home in the country, adventures in the hills, laying out under the stars with my future wife. I even wrote a story as my future self months ago which I read to my girlfriend sometimes. It would be pretty embarrassing to relate in more explicit details, but it's good writing, at the very least.

But how am I going to bring this future about? Sometimes I read it just to remind myself what I want in life. Besides the most grand adventure of reaching heaven, I have grand adventures planned in this world as well, God willing.

What will I see in my glass of water? Is it half full or empty? Am I just waiting around to fail once again, or will the stars in heaven align to give me the chance I need again to make my life what I want it - need it - to be?

"STARS IN HEAVEN ALIGN! OOH OH OH AH!"

I can't bear the thought of ending up as nobody again. When I woke up and realized I was wasting my life a year ago, I said I had failed for the last time. But if I can't get a decent job and fulfill my dreams I will have done just that. It frustrates me that I don't even know where to start. Often when I pray nowadays I pray that God will show me the way, but then I start thinking about it more and more and I can't even pray right. I'm getting attacked spiritually, that's for sure, but I just don't know what to do about it. I can't pray.

It helps to pump myself up with music. My roommate and I laugh at a video of Piccolo, a character from Dragon Ball Z, yelling after being infused with power. "I can do it! I can win! I FEEL INCREDIBLE!" It's funny, but I find myself having to do the same thing sometimes. I have a lot of help around, and my girlfriend is of course a wonderful boost to my spirits, but sometimes I just need to blare motivational music as loud as I can and get excited to do what I need to do to succeed.

I have a big problem with laziness. I hate to admit it, I really do, but I hope maybe this confession will somehow help. I hate admitting it mostly because I talk so much about dreams and hopes. It makes me feel like a hypocrite...and maybe I am.

C.S. Lewis writes that some of the most delicious souls to the devils are those of hypocrites. If I am unable to overcome this vice of sloth someday I might make a tasty meal.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that we would never cease to look to heaven for hope and motivation.

Burnt bridges, bright beyond.

I am fresh as morning dew, you are pure as falling snow.

I had the most wonderful conversation two nights ago. I finally told someone who really understands me the last little secrets I have...and she did the same. Except in reverse order.

Looking back on life, I have found that a lot of the things I never understood why I had to go through have prepared me for now. I am so happy now because of those things - if they never happened, I would not be the person I am now. I would not be prepared to face the wonderful challenge of being a mirror of Christ's love to someone I truly care for. For instance, if I had never been bullied, I never would have escaped into books and writing...and in a small part, that passion has brought love into my life.

A good friend of mine told me yesterday that Teresa of Avila, Doctor of the Church, wrote that the prayer of agony prepares you for the prayer of ecstasy. Long ago, I prayed for God to take away my pain...but instead, through the pain I was given a chance at something better. I would still be a little boy in a man's body right now, and much less happy of a person, had I not had some pretty blistering slaps to the face.

I have burnt a lot of bridges in my life. People say "Oh, don't burn any bridges, you might want to go back!" But I never want to go back. I've ended a lot of friendships, left a lot of places, and I have absolutely no regrets. Not anymore, not now that I understand. Now that I've met someone who really understands what it's like...someone who like me, wishes to leave the past behind and become reborn to new life in Christ...I am interested in her past, in my own past, but I don't want to reflect on it as a place that has anything to do with who we are now - the past is how we got to be who we are now, only. It is a prologue; a stepping stone; a way station. It is a past life somehow connected to this one. We're like children again - fresh as morning dew, pure as falling snow.

Perhaps I'm being far too naive, but I can only see a bright beyond now. There may be hard times too, but I think they'll be like a couple of thorns in a bush of roses...I'm much stronger now too, and I pray better as well. No matter what happens now, I always have hope. If 21 years of bad memories can lead to something so wonderful, even if this "something wonderful" is gone, I know God will lead me on.

There are only a few last loose ends to clear up, now, before I ask my question...

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for hope beyond all burnt bridges.

Trust issues, and the best of the best!

By human standards it would be reasonable to expect me to doubt the world around me.

I suppose I have to talk about my life a bit here. The one person in my family I was closest to died a little over 5 years ago (my mother) and many of the people I've been closest to since then have been more than a little misleading...many of them romantic interests which I've come to realize that it was a blessing things didn't work out.

Regardless, I find it hard to trust God sometimes, even when he's working wonderful things into my life. Sometimes, especially where friendships are concerned, I find it easy to panic just because of a small thing. The tiniest change in behavior for the worst in someone, even something so little as being a tad quieter than normal, can make me nervous. Even one little text message that doesn't receive a response can set me on edge. Did I say something wrong? Did they read it? Did I bother them? I've let the people who have been untrustworthy in my life ruin my trust for God, which is not acceptable...and I think now that I've realized it, I can end it. That's a promise, God!

We all have some growing up to do. I hope it doesn't sound judgmental for me to say some people have a little more growing up to do than others. I'm really bothered by the actions of people around me sometimes. There is a particular person I know who I once had a great deal of admiration for who I no longer have almost any at all. This person has/had the potential to become a beautiful person but now treats me, at least, with a great deal of disrespect. I will always love this particular person, but I no longer like them, and probably never will again.

On a nice note, though, I think the reason I have such low tolerance for their new attitude is because I have met, only a few weeks ago, a group of people whom I have quickly grown to love and admire. They are, quite simply, some of the best people I've ever met! I'm not exactly sure why things have happened the way they have, but I'm glad. So glad. This is all God's doing...everything good is, but in this case it's remarkably apparent. I have no words for how much I love them!

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that trust given was trust kept.

Completely at ease.

"Strange...I should feel terrified. But I feel so calm..."

Allow me to go nerd mode for a moment, but I feel like I can apply something from Dragon Ball Z to this blog post. The previous quote is a paraphrase of something the main protagonist from the show, Goku, says before he faces hand-to-hand combat with the then-most-powerful villain in the universe, Frieza, a being as impossibly powerful as he is impossibly evil and ruthless.

Goku is the Christ-like figure of Dragon Ball Z in that even though he is incredibly strong he is humble and never thinks of himself: even when faced with death many times before in the series, he thinks only of how he can save others.

However, even though Goku is shown to be incredibly courageous, the new villain of the show, Frieza, has even the arrogant and foolishly confident character Vegeta losing his will to fight. The bold Vegeta dies in tears. Obviously the author of the story is trying to make the point that Frieza is an entirely different challenge than has been in the show. So when Goku realizes he is the last hope for his friends, and that he will soon face Frieza in a fight to the death, his usual attitude of brave hope is already established as an unlikely reaction for him, even though it would be in character. At this point, those watching expect Goku to be terrified. Yet Goku, standing in the open air before flying off to face the villain, just calmly feels the wind on his face. He feels at ease.

But why? We, the viewer, do not yet know. Not until later, when Goku is revealed to be a legendary warrior called the Super Saiyan, who, when of a calm and pure nature, is suddenly faced with extreme anger and indignation (in Goku's case, witnessing the cruel death of his best friend) transforms into a being far more powerful than Frieza. It turns out that the strength he needed to overcome his enemy was inside him all along. Subconsciously, somehow, he knew he could defeat Frieza, which explains his inner peace, but outside he felt he should be terrified.

His rational mind did not understand what his heart new all along.

And I thank you for allowing for the long diversion I needed to make my point. This is where I feel like I am at. What is going on in my life right now are things that both excite me and make me terrified...some of them overt, some of them covert, and none that I'm going to mention in this blog post, since anyone can read it. I apologize for the cryptic nature, but it's not necessary for me to mention what's going on to explain my feelings, which is the purpose of this blog anyway.

So, with what I'm going through right now, I think I should be terrified, or at least nervous. But in my heart, I feel completely at ease. Right now I don't know why. But I'm waiting...waiting for when I can find out what the "Super Saiyan transformation" of my life will be...

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that the rational mind would understand what the heart knows.

"Nobody said it was easy..."

"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you are..."

I think God made all people equally beautiful, but some people he made it more easy to see...There is nothing that makes me want to love myself more than when I see someone else needs my love, especially when I know how beautiful and special that person is.

Last weekend it was easy to love myself because I was loving a friend of mine. I've only met this person twice now, but we've kept up a nice phone/internet/mail correspondence for a long time now. My friend is a beautiful and amazing person, and I'm so lucky to know her, but sometimes she doesn't see what I see. Hope seems hard for her to hold onto because of how others have treated her. Between having fun doing things like shopping (cool shopping, like books and petting dogs and cats at Petsmart, not lame shopping like going to try on clothes) and watching movies, I told her how I saw her and her place in the world. It made me cry at one point because I don't think she believed me when I told her how she was destined for happiness.

During my drive back home today, I was touched by the song "The Scientist" by Coldplay. It put into words a lot of the feelings I was re-experiencing because of last weekend. I find so many people, especially women, who don't seem to understand how beautiful they are. Their beauty isn't a physical thing, it shines out from the inside, from their goodness, what makes them unique in the tapestry of life. But it's usually not prudent for me to share my feelings with the women I know. They would take it as a come on...so I'm forced to just paste the song here and hope they find it:

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start...

 There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that you knew how lovely you are.

How this began, and the meaning of "There Was a Dream"

A long time ago, there was a blog that no one read. That blog belonged to a younger me with an entirely different but related life. Long story short, lack of readership meant lack of motivation, and that blog is lost even to me now.

Regardless, I still love to write, but most of my writing is poetry that has been shared to some extent, but a lot of the best pieces I've shown to only a few, or no one at all. Blogs, however, have been something I always wanted to return to, but couldn't bring myself to try it. Why? Quite simply, I felt I already had one. Every once in a while, I'd write a note on Facebook. That was my blog, and it was yet another blog that went relatively unread.

However, I wasn't entirely honest with myself. Most of my thoughts that I could write a page or two on (and possibly make into a Facebook note) stay in my head and then are forgotten before I write them down. Not only that, but I wasn't giving myself much of a chance. It's true that my writings might not become the choice of read for millions, but it might become the choice of read for a few. And that's worth writing for.

After all, the only 100% chance that my blog is a failure is if I never write one.

That being said, I suppose I should mention that a friend of mine did tell me I should write a blog. I haven't a clue why. She's read some of my poetry, so I'm not sure why she thinks that my prose will be any better (just kidding, my poetry rules). But she did mention that she has one and people comment on it. She thinks her writings are boring too, and even though I disagree, it IS something we have in common about blogging. So that's an encouraging thought.

One last thing - I'm sure people are wondering about this blog title. Sounds a bit dramatic, like I'm some kind of pretentious emotional mess. Well that's true that I'm an emotional mess, but I'm not pretentious and I can explain the title better than that. There Was a Dream ultimately comes from the line "There was a dream that was Rome...it shall be realized" from the movie, Gladiator. The line is said as Maximus (spoiler alert), the general turned gladiator, after successfully killing the tyrant emperor who ruined his life, reinstates the republic, the DREAM that was Rome, and then dies.

The line has served as some inspiration to me. Maximus is a man who was "the greatest general Rome ever had" but yet, only desired to return to his family and his farm. Yet, the Emperor wished for Maximus to succeed him, because Maximus' humble intentions were the means by which the republic could be restored to Rome. Before Maximus could be named his successor, however, the Emperor's son kills the Emperor and becomes the new emperor by default. Maximus is ordered to be killed, but escapes, finds his wife and son dead, and is sold into slavery as a gladiator.

Yet, even while death seems such an easy escape, Maximus perseveres to not only become an incredible gladiator and leader to the men around him, but using the influence of the crowd manages to become more powerful than the emperor himself, goading him into a fight and killing him even while he himself is mortally wounded because of the tyrant emperor's tricks. With his dying breath he fulfills his promise to the deceased emperor: "There was a dream that was Rome...it shall be realized."

Everything he loved was taken from him, but yet he continued to live to fulfill a promise, and a dream. I sympathize.