Monday, April 29, 2013

The circles of this world.

"Let us not be overthrown at the final test, who of old renounced the Shadow and the Ring. In sorrow we must go, but not in despair. Behold! We are not bound forever in the circles of the world, and beyond them is more than memory." - Aragorn, the Lord of the Rings

The final test. I have often attributed that phrase to anything I have to do that is very difficult. It is such wishful thinking. That one final act can, if I succeed, lead to happiness. I never truly expected eternal happiness. Not in this life. Just wishful thinking is all it is.

I notice that consistently the things that I love most about my life are taken away from me. Every time I think I've gotten something I might not have to give up, I must give it up, for some greater good. Or for what seems to be no reason at all.

I have had such good friends...such good and wonderful friends...and it seems as though none of those friendships will ever remain what I want them to be. Perhaps it's selfish of me, but I know how I feel. Hopefully someday I will look back and realize how silly I was, and how much happier I am having much fewer and much shallower friendships (as seems to be the direction all this is headed), but that is not how I see the world now. I was starting to get used to this idea. I was starting to accept that my friendships may not ever be what I want them to be, and that I could just love people however I was able.

And now, I don't even have that anymore.

My love, it seems, has been imperfect. Not just "normal human sinfulness imperfect" but imperfect in how open I have been emotionally, especially with women. It is something I have suspected but ignored for a long time, and finally, I asked the truth. I asked for the truth where I knew I could get it - from two different people - and I received it. The worst part of giving up something you value so much is knowing that you have to - that you are not mistaken.

Yet another treasure I am giving up for the Lord, and I only barely understand why. I only know that I am loving certain people so much more by holding myself back than by doing what I would like to do. I only wish I had some other way to get my feelings out. I wish I didn't have to keep doing this sort of thing. It just never ends.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to move beyond the circles of this world.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Rise or fall.

"Aragorn, Arathorn's son, Lord of the Dunedain, listen to me! A great doom awaits you, either to rise above the height of all your fathers since the days of Elendil, or to fall into darkness with all that is left of your kin."

I like going to counseling. It helps to talk to someone who is completely outside of your life to hear everything you can say about it and help you work through the issues that present/have presented themselves.

Soon, though, it appears as I will be done with my current counselor. We've both kind of recognized that I've reached my limit of things to bring to the table. I concluded our last session by telling him that I recognize that whatever happens to me now, I recognize that I will either adjust to it or not adjust to it...and that I always adjust.

That's a nice thought. It's good to be able to say with complete honesty that I always adjust to my problems after a while...sometimes it takes a long while but it always happens.

I think since I started counseling I've made some good adjustments. I am no longer as prone to expecting people to respond the way I believe they ought to my gestures of love and friendship. I've learned to strike a balance between how much I give to friendships and how much I let them go. I've learned to cut toxic people out of my life instead of letting them fester in my wounds.

I also accept that there is still hope. There are still really good people in this world, and I'm still meeting them. Sure, I've lost and let go of relationships that were beautiful, and found out that some people were not as wonderful as I once thought, but in the end that's OK. As long as I am being a good person and treating people how I wish they would treat me, there will be people attracted to that. The people who are just fair weather friends and are not willing to be my friend even when I'm not all that fun to be around will fade away. The lovers will remain.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to rise above all of the problems of the old days.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Turning the page.

Oddly enough, lately I've felt mostly at peace now with everything that's happened.

Resisting the downward spiral of relationships (both friendships and romantic-but-not-really) has proven futile, and even doing nothing about it all has proven to be a poor solution.

It's time to admit that the only way out is to leave.

In August, I will have been in this college town for six years. I will have two degrees and a lot of good memories and really bad ones, too. In August, I will be leaving.

I'll be leaving the same way I came in: only a few friends and lots of uncertainty, and little sanity.

Despite that, I think I've really become a stronger person. Although I am not in as good of a mental state as I used to be, I am much, much better at coping with things. The fact I am not now currently huddled in a corner crying and am instead feeling at peace with the world is a testament to this strength.

I don't want to divulge too much information lest I hurt someone's feelings, but recently I've been thinking that I've had a lot of people go in and out of my life repeatedly over the past year or so. To be honest, I'm not sure if I can or should keep putting up with that. I've mourned the loss of friendships only for them to come back, for me to get attached again, and for them to subsequently disappear and leave me alone. Every time it feels a lot worse. Should it not be time for me to say no? For me to turn the page of my story and move on?

I've been thinking that I ought to just let everything go and hold on to this peace I have until September. No trying to get friends back, no trying to make something work in my love life. I will move on and go somewhere where things might work better. This place was never the end all, be all. It was only a stepping stone...something I always knew but still denied. This place and these people were all just passing things.

Only a few more months, and then I'll be out of here.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to turn the page.