I haven't posted in a while because I haven't had anything to post about.
This blog is something I started when I was much younger than I am now, and I have tried to post at least once a month for a very long time. These days, I find that I no longer really need it as an outlet - once upon a time it was very important for me to write about my feelings.
These days I just don't have that many feelings.
I do not mean that I don't have any feelings. I am very precise with my language. I mean that I don't have that many compared to how I used to be. Most days I get through a day going through no more than two or three feelings, none of them very strong.
I like it this way.
But every once in a while, something still gets to me. Today, something got to me.
I did not know that when I finally chose a career, that there would be so many people in this world who feel free to be awful to me. I am not so naive as to think that NO ONE would, but the sheer amount of people who step all over others is very discouraging. I am generally inclined to see people as more alike to me than not, but I have to admit that sometimes people just seem generally awful.
As a counselor, day in and day out I am doing nothing but showing kindness to people, many of whom are not able or willing to be kind back. In fact, sometimes that is almost all I do. At the end of the day, a lot of the time I feel pretty entitled to have people at least let me be in peace. But in taking care of money, insurance, licensure, other adult things...it just never seems to stop. It is almost like no one else tries to help me as much as I help others.
What is even more discouraging is that even at work, nothing I do ever seems good enough for my employer. I could have just gotten done with my magnum opus of counseling sessions, putting in all the energy I possibly could, only to open a scathing email from my employer concerning an overdue diagnostic assessment that I have had no time for due to trying to actually meet with as many clients as I can due to the demands of my employer! I am so ready to leave my job, but after examining other places I am realizing that they are all the same. Sometimes I consider leaving my job to work in a department store, simply because it seems so much better than being nice to people all day with little to no appreciation - but plenty of criticism over my paperwork.
I have no doubt in my mind that I am doing the best I can with my life right now, but it is just not enough. Is this all I went through school for, worked for, lived 26 years for?
There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to quit being an adult.