Thursday, January 30, 2014


It's not so much what happened, it's how it happened.

If I fail at something, I want to know that it's a part of something greater, and that I could have done better - just not now. I want to know that I made mistakes that I could not have fixed before my failure, but that I will never make them again because of the failure.

I think I'm beyond that now.

Writing this blog has heightened my awareness of just how cyclical my life is. Compare the following posts: AND

That's just one example of the repetition of my problems. In the end, I really believe I don't care that I'm not dating anyone. I believe my present frustration and sadness has nothing to do with the fact I got snubbed again, after 5 months of preparation. I don't think I'm even really bothered that the only person I've been interested in a long time is dating someone now. Other empathetic, interesting, fun, intuitive women exist. I've met plenty (even if none of them liked me like that). But what I do know for sure is that I am so put out by the futility of it all...the futility of this cycle. It seems like nothing I do really matters. I have tried every strategy I've heard of, I've approached it at all kinds of angles, I've pursued women who were friends before I liked them and I've pursued women I just met. I've worked through fear, discouragement, and despair to do all of this, and none of it really mattered.

Is it really any surprise if I say that I would really rather not bother with it anymore, even if I want to get married?

The same goes for anything else, really. The only three things I really care about are friends, love, and God. And of course, those are the three things that I have the biggest problems with. It has never really made any difference how much effort I put into any sort of strategy or lack of strategy. Things always turn out however they were meant to turn out. And the result is rarely anything I'm pleased with.

If I'm supposed to only meet people who really don't live up to what I always hope for in a friendship, then why can't I just be someone who needs different things from a friend? Why did I become someone who craves a friendship based only on how people feel, and not something easy like a love of sports? Why do I want to have friends who reach out to me, instead of friends who stay in their own world? It just doesn't make any sense to me that I would become a person exactly unsuited to their environment, and then find it impossible to escape it.

I have really met my limit many times, and always pushed beyond it. I'm there now. I've had enough of life. Someday, I will be glad I am alive. And then I will suffer disappointment again, and realize that I just reached another point in the cycle. And in the end, nothing will change. Because nothing ever really changes. New job, new city, all the same problems. And none of my dreams have come true. It's hard to believe when I started this blog, I still believed in dreams. That's why I gave this blog the title I gave it, and end each post with a variation of the same sentence. But now, I don't believe in dreams anymore. I think dreams are a lie that serve as a foundation for false hope. I believe some people never get what they want from life.

I believe I will be one of them.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream that was no dream at all.


  1. I don't know if this means anything, but this cycle will get better. If I were to tell you that you will always be happy, I would be lying. I also can't tell you that your experience will be the same as mine because it won't. I can't tell you how you feel. However, by the off chance that it is in some ways similar, the cycle will get better. Slowly, but it will. Don't live for today. Don't live for tomorrow. Live for today and tomorrow. The number one regret of terminally ill patients is that they took the time they had preparing for the future that never came. Please don't give up on your dream. It can't come true if you give up. If there's any chance of it coming true, it can only happen if you keep trying. This isn't meant to be criticizing but to encourage. Please don't back down.

    1. I appreciate the comment, but I think you're missing the point. I now know not only that my well-made plans were all a waste of time, but now I also know that everything I try to do in the moment is a waste of time, too. I don't think I've planned anything in a few years, now. I don't have any dreams anymore, so there's nothing to give up. This blog really IS about the dream I dreamed...past tense.

      I am sure you want to help me feel better. But honestly, I don't know what you're asking me to do. I have tried doing everything I could, and I have tried doing nothing and not caring. I couldn't stop caring, and I have found that effort has really made no difference either. So there's nothing left except to whatever seems right whenever it seems right. And then suffer the consequences.

    2. I'm only asking that you don't give up. I don't have a solution for you because I don't know your what you are going through exactly. Those well made plans might seem bad now but maybe overtime you will be thankful for them. And you may think you've tried everything but maybe there is a solution that you just haven't found yet. There's nothing wrong with doing whats right when it is appropriate. In fact there isn't a time when this isn't appropriate (if it isn't appropriate, it isn't right). Just do what helps you. This may seem selfish but I can assure you it's not. I'm sorry I don't have an answer but please don't give up on trying to find one.

    3. There's nothing to give up on, I just want to be happy and I don't care how it happens. If there's anything I've learned from all of this mess is that it really doesn't matter what you do, what's coming to you is coming to you and you deal with it the best you can. What you see as me "giving up" is really just my way of saying I'm not playing the "I want this and I won't stop until I get it" game. Because the only way to win that game is not to play.