Monday, May 12, 2014

Flock of birds.

"A flock of birds hovering above
A flock of birds
That's how you think of love

And I always
Look up to the sky
Pray before the dawn
Cause they fly always
Sometimes they arrive
Sometimes they are gone
They fly on"

A reminiscence: Once upon a time, I believed in romance. Some day soon, I may again.

Unfortunately, I believe that my lofty ideas of romance, held what feels like a long time ago contained a great amount of naïveté and a lack of rational and practical thought.

I suppose these days I am wondering how far off of the mark I really was. The closest I ever got to marriage was when I was still exactly as I describe: romantic and naïve. I have met someone who reminds me of these times long ago, and I have to wonder if it is I who have the wrong idea and she the one who really knows what's going on, even while I question what she really understands of how things are supposed to work, and what she needs and thinks she wants.

I suppose all I can do is pray and wait and find out, but it would help if I understood how much of my transformation the past three years or so was due to bitterness and a cold reaction to hurt. I am feeling things awaken in me that I left a long time ago, and I know that this makes me uncomfortable, and even angry with myself...a sort of "how easily you unlearn" sort of anger.

I don't want to be headed nowhere in the world of love, and I don't want to think that I haven't found something real, good, and substantial...but I don't want to be stupid, either. I hope that by taking time to really examine my feelings, motivations, and my rational mind, I can prevent making old mistakes.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for love to be more than a flock of birds.