Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I never asked to be born, but while I'm here I'll do my best. Just so you know, I never said I knew what I was doing.

And I don't.

The past few weeks have been fun, confusing, and all-around tiring and demotivating. I'm really sick of the ups and downs and of trying to fix things that I'm not sure are broken. I just really don't know what I'm doing.

Sometimes I just really wish I had some certainty in my life instead of just wandering around trying to bump into something that I know I can really lean on. I know some people at this point would bother me about the obvious answer...just let it rest, OK? God never said we would always be happy.

I'm glad for good friends. Good friends with good advice. Sometimes I already know what they're going to say before they say it. I know the answers but sometimes I just need to hear them from someone else. It's just better that way because then I can know that someone else agrees with me. Often I always think if something is going wrong, it's my fault. I have a tendency to just...get things wrong. And sometimes...sometimes I just don't even know what I think. I need to talk to someone. It makes things clearer to me.

I don't like feelings. Not because I don't like having them but because I can't trust them. They ruin my judgement. They ruin everything.

I want to be more like my hero, Aragorn. Brave, noble, just. But I just wonder if it would be more heroic to just be patient or to go beyond my fears and do something rash.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was to wander no more.

Monday, May 16, 2011

An Outcome-Switching Recovery!

Bada bump ba dum...BADADADADADUMP! *heroic trumpet blasts and electric guitar riffs*

I may have said this before, but I love the parts in Dragon Ball Z and other stories where one of the heroes, just out of the blue, makes the most unexpected return to battle, just in time to save someone from certain death.

In particular I remember a part in Dragon Ball Z where Goku is desperately preparing a Spirit Bomb to annihilate the villain Frieza...pretty much his last hope of defeating him. However, the only way to gather the energy is to stand still for a little while with his hands in the air. Completely defenseless.

The tired and wounded Piccolo, Gohan, and Krillin watch in horror as Frieza slowly loses patience waiting for Goku to do something and begins slowly killing him. Thinking fast, Piccolo joins hands with Gohan and Krillin, taking their remaining energy and using it to propel himself at ultra-fast speeds and kick Frieza halfway across the planet, just as Frieza was about to punch his hand through Goku's face. "Hurry up and finish that thing!" He says. "I used up all the energy I had left in that attack!" Frieza comes back moments later and he and Piccolo face off...Piccolo unable to protect himself as he desperately tries to buy time by taking the entirety of the powerful Frieza's attacks...until Goku finally finishes his Spirit Bomb and attacks, saving Piccolo just as Frieza is about to finish him off!

I feel like that's a little bit of what's occurred since my last post. I got accepted into grad school for counseling, which means I get to stick around in the place I love for a while longer. Whatever has been bothering me about my relationships and my faith has suddenly disappeared. Things have made an outcome-switching recovery.

Every time I feel really upset for a while and I don't know what to do about it, in my childish fashion I often imagine I'm someone else. What would Piccolo do? I ask. Well, he'd probably say something totally awesome like "I'll take care of this monster myself!" and then shoot off into battle to the tune of "An Outcome-Switching Recovery"...and that's what I try to imagine I am doing even while completing mundane tasks and not actually really doing anything to eliminate the problem. Usually because there is no solution. It does make me feel better.

But in times when suddenly my problems disappear and I have control of my life again, I do feel like Piccolo. I'll blast "Outcome-Switching Recovery" on my speakers and smile. That's what I'm doing now.


There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for the unexpected return of happiness.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Last of the old, first of the new.

Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day?

The basic premise of the movie is that the worst day of the main character's life occurs on Groundhog Day. Somehow, though, every time he goes to sleep, he wakes up the next morning and it's the same Groundhog Day. He is stuck in an infinite loop. Eventually he turns that worst day into the best day, and finally is free of the loop and has a new outlook on life.

For a long time now I've been really down. My spiritual life has been the pits, I wasn't happy about the future, I was not content with pretty much everything in my life. I couldn't tell what was wrong with me. It was like I wasn't directing my own life anymore. The thoughts going through my head all the time, some of the things I said or did...it's been a hard time.

I really think I've just been depressed. The Groundhog Day idea is really appealing as it relates to the past four years. Do it all over again, and do it RIGHT this time. I don't want to move, to change, to go away. I would rather just fade away...like dust in the wind.

I'm not really sure if it's over but I feel better. I've been accepted to grad school where I've been going to college for the past four years and things are looking up. My future might be in counseling after all...so long as I really get this graduate degree.

I feel as though I am the last bastion of the old STM crowd and the first of the new. I've actually thought that for a long time. See, I was here when Creed was in its final years...and then I was here to see the new group arise. I disappeared here and there, it's true, but something's changed. Something's different. Ask anyone who has been here as long as I have...it's an entirely different flavor. Not good or bad, just different.

The last of the old. It feels like forever ago...a faded memory, that I came here to college, friendless, hopeless, and with little virtue. I remember what it was like coming here. I cried after a week because I felt so alone. That first year was a fluke. A total fluke that I ended up hanging around Creed...simply because someone invited me that I randomly met over the summer and I felt too guilty not to go...

The first of the new. I had disappeared and intended not to return...and then, I had no choice because there was nothing left for me. But it was too late to get back the time I had lost. I made the last year and a half the best of what it could be. But there will be no second chance, no Groundhog Day of repeating circumstance. It is what it is.

But now, I do have another chance. I have come back, at the turn of the tide. There is a bright tomorrow, new faces, lit for Christ. And I will be there to gain back the time I lost.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream that is the first and the last.