Mr. Brightside.

"I just can't look, it's killing me...and taking control. Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibies. But it's just the price I pay! Destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes. 'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside.

I'm seeing a counselor again. She seems like a nice lady and everything, but I think I can tell what direction we're going to take. It's the same conclusion that my last counselor and I reached - that there's nothing to do, that other people and the world are what they are, and all I can do is become stronger, more tolerant, and carry on.

I am convinced that who I am is good. I really care about other people and am empathetic to them, and am a far better listener than anyone else I know. That is something I will never try to change, even if it makes me so lonely sometimes when I want the same in return. Even if it leads to periods like this where I want to disappear forever.

It is also true that every time I go through a period like this, I become more tolerant of the next one. I am beginning to feel better already, and though I know I am not even close to where I was last October, when I was probably the happiest I had ever been in my entire life, this is still a relatively quick recovery for me.

But I don't want my life to be all about being Mr. Brightside and just hoping for things that won't come. It would be nice someday to know that all I hoped for really was going to come true. That true, loyal, loving life-long friends will be mine. That I can get married and make a family. Unlike in the Killers song posted above, it would be nice to not watch while other people receive what I want from life, while I watch and hope for my turn.

I know there is nothing to be done, except to be a stronger person. At my mother's funeral, that was one of the things I quoted from her during the eulogy. "Don't pray for an easy life, pray to be a strong person." OK, Mom. I will.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to be a strong person.

The circles of this world.

"Let us not be overthrown at the final test, who of old renounced the Shadow and the Ring. In sorrow we must go, but not in despair. Behold! We are not bound forever in the circles of the world, and beyond them is more than memory." - Aragorn, the Lord of the Rings

The final test. I have often attributed that phrase to anything I have to do that is very difficult. It is such wishful thinking. That one final act can, if I succeed, lead to happiness. I never truly expected eternal happiness. Not in this life. Just wishful thinking is all it is.

I notice that consistently the things that I love most about my life are taken away from me. Every time I think I've gotten something I might not have to give up, I must give it up, for some greater good. Or for what seems to be no reason at all.

I have had such good friends...such good and wonderful friends...and it seems as though none of those friendships will ever remain what I want them to be. Perhaps it's selfish of me, but I know how I feel. Hopefully someday I will look back and realize how silly I was, and how much happier I am having much fewer and much shallower friendships (as seems to be the direction all this is headed), but that is not how I see the world now. I was starting to get used to this idea. I was starting to accept that my friendships may not ever be what I want them to be, and that I could just love people however I was able.

And now, I don't even have that anymore.

My love, it seems, has been imperfect. Not just "normal human sinfulness imperfect" but imperfect in how open I have been emotionally, especially with women. It is something I have suspected but ignored for a long time, and finally, I asked the truth. I asked for the truth where I knew I could get it - from two different people - and I received it. The worst part of giving up something you value so much is knowing that you have to - that you are not mistaken.

Yet another treasure I am giving up for the Lord, and I only barely understand why. I only know that I am loving certain people so much more by holding myself back than by doing what I would like to do. I only wish I had some other way to get my feelings out. I wish I didn't have to keep doing this sort of thing. It just never ends.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to move beyond the circles of this world.

Happiness and memories.

I've noticed there are two types of people: those who see a happy picture from long ago and feel happy, and those who see a happy picture from long ago and feel sad.

I am one of the latter. The difference between myself and those who see old pictures with happiness is that the happy ones are the ones who know that those times will come again. Me, I don't. The future terrifies me.

Why? Because I know something other people don't. I have discovered that when people have a good group of friends, they don't look for more friends. They don't care about friends that have gone before them - at least, not in any real conscious, present way, just in the abstract "I hope wherever they are and whatever they're doing, they are happy." As long as my friends have plenty of other friends, I am disposable. The only way it is ever different is if I do something to make them feel guilty - or their other friends leave them. And neither of those are solutions that interest me. This is the truth.

My time is over. It has been long over, in fact. My senior year of college was two years ago, and now I am all washed up, even if am still a student - a graduate student, but a student nonetheless. I look around me and see happy people who were first brought into this community by my class - some of them by me personally. It has never really seemed to matter. So long as they are happy, they could care less how lonely I am. They can certainly pretend to care - they have to in order to feel OK about themselves - but in the end, if I never reached out and asked people to spend time with me, I would probably talk to people a couple times a year. There are a few out there who are legitimately busy - I understand that very well, indeed I do - but there are others who have their band, their group, their "one from many" of which I can never hope to take part. I'm too old - even when I do somehow spend time with people here, I feel like an outsider. I belong to a group of people who have already left me behind.

The times I've been happiest in life is when I really felt a part of something greater than myself. The times when I wasn't just a friend, but part of a group of friends. Those were the best. And now, I am on the verge of leaving behind every good thing I've had on earth. All that I ever really had was here, at school. If I couldn't make friendships that last here, what hope do I have out there, where it is so much harder?

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream of constant memory.

All that I am.

The only way to be great, is to be a part of something great.

The real tragedy of selfishness, I think, is not that it results in too much goodness for the self but too little. In the grand scheme of things, one person's effort is very little. I have learned through trial and error that everything I do for myself always comes up short. That's why after my last post, I actually changed my mind. Being a part of something greater is worth more than the sum of all of the personal reasons I had.

When I put forth effort to make myself great, all I ever really do is just attempt to feed a desire that can't be fed by myself. It is only when what meager gifts I have to offer are given in love to others that I am actually able to spread myself out into something greater. While I alone am small, together, many people are something great. And by being a part of that, I am great, too.

That is what makes life so grand. That is why God demands so much of us. In the end, the love we give is the love we receive. When I make someone else smile in whatever way I can, I also feel loved. Even when I am very upset and feel like life has been really unfair to me, if I can still make myself small and put others forth, all of that is erased. I diminish, and so do my worries. Others joys can become mine.

This is my only true pleasure in life, which is why I am dedicating it to the pursuit of healing and happiness in other people (my career). I only regret that it really took me so long to realize that the problem was not that others weren't doing enough for me, but I wasn't doing enough for others. In fact, it could never be enough.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to give over myself.

Seeing the Future.

I think every man gets at a point in his life (at least once) where he realizes that the choices he is making may lead him to either exhilarating happiness or anguish. I think I am at one of these points. However, I think either result is fine by me. Allow me to explain.

Should I continue along in my prayer and discernment of my vocation, there is a high likelihood that I will end up at a point where my future is contingent on someone else's decision rather than my own. It may be a few weeks, or even a few months from now. But no matter what, it is certain that either result would leave me in tears: of joy or grief.

If in joy, well, then that's obviously great. In grief, though, there is good in that, too. I don't think people understand how wonderful sadness can be. There is a different kind of joy in knowing that you've given something your all and it didn't turn out quite the way you expected - because as long as you've done the right thing, you know you will be happy again. And when the moment comes when you've shed all your tears...those are the best days. The days when you have hope again. That is a wonderful feeling.

I will look forward to this future...I can't predict anything but I can see that whatever happens, as long as I remain in Christ there will be joy again.

There was a dream I dreamed, a dream for great hope for the future.

An Outcome-Switching Recovery!

Bada bump ba dum...BADADADADADUMP! *heroic trumpet blasts and electric guitar riffs*

I may have said this before, but I love the parts in Dragon Ball Z and other stories where one of the heroes, just out of the blue, makes the most unexpected return to battle, just in time to save someone from certain death.

In particular I remember a part in Dragon Ball Z where Goku is desperately preparing a Spirit Bomb to annihilate the villain Frieza...pretty much his last hope of defeating him. However, the only way to gather the energy is to stand still for a little while with his hands in the air. Completely defenseless.

The tired and wounded Piccolo, Gohan, and Krillin watch in horror as Frieza slowly loses patience waiting for Goku to do something and begins slowly killing him. Thinking fast, Piccolo joins hands with Gohan and Krillin, taking their remaining energy and using it to propel himself at ultra-fast speeds and kick Frieza halfway across the planet, just as Frieza was about to punch his hand through Goku's face. "Hurry up and finish that thing!" He says. "I used up all the energy I had left in that attack!" Frieza comes back moments later and he and Piccolo face off...Piccolo unable to protect himself as he desperately tries to buy time by taking the entirety of the powerful Frieza's attacks...until Goku finally finishes his Spirit Bomb and attacks, saving Piccolo just as Frieza is about to finish him off!

I feel like that's a little bit of what's occurred since my last post. I got accepted into grad school for counseling, which means I get to stick around in the place I love for a while longer. Whatever has been bothering me about my relationships and my faith has suddenly disappeared. Things have made an outcome-switching recovery.

Every time I feel really upset for a while and I don't know what to do about it, in my childish fashion I often imagine I'm someone else. What would Piccolo do? I ask. Well, he'd probably say something totally awesome like "I'll take care of this monster myself!" and then shoot off into battle to the tune of "An Outcome-Switching Recovery"...and that's what I try to imagine I am doing even while completing mundane tasks and not actually really doing anything to eliminate the problem. Usually because there is no solution. It does make me feel better.

But in times when suddenly my problems disappear and I have control of my life again, I do feel like Piccolo. I'll blast "Outcome-Switching Recovery" on my speakers and smile. That's what I'm doing now.

Bada bump ba bum...DADADUMBADA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for the unexpected return of happiness.

You are meant to be a frog.

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives." It's a good quote because it's true, and none the worse for having been quoted many times before.

I can't hold off posting any longer. I've been too busy to post but it seems if I try to go without posting any longer my head won't be able to contain all my thoughts anymore before I start forgetting.

My girlfriend and I were talking to a friend last night and the topic was almost entirely centered around God no longer being the center of people's lives. It's not something people feel comfortable talking about anymore. The public at-large either has no thoughts about God or puts God in a little box and sets it aside as another part of their life that has little to do with the rest of it. It's sad that when you're in the company of people you know, God is often the least likely thing we can talk about...because it's the thing we have least in common.

I lead a small group of men in discussion about faith every week. The program is called Awakening Faith and it's designed to get Catholics who are at different places in their faith life to grow more and really think about it. Our culture is a busy culture, full of distractions and short attention spans. I take my group of about five guys and go into a room set aside at the parish for such activities and just talk for usually about 90 minutes about REAL stuff. No sports, no weather, no "I did this and that" talk. Real talk.

So far it's been great. I feel like everyone is participating and really thinking about where God is in their life, whether or not He is important or even real. I pulled out an analogy the other day that I often use to help people who, like myself, did not understand the big picture of the faith. It's not just a set of rules and a religion. It's the whole meaning of life.

We are all like tadpoles in a pond. We have our tadpole stuff, our tadpole cell-phone, our tadpole computer, our tadpole friends and family...we like being tadpoles and don't want to stop being tadpoles. We don't think about anything but our tadpole life. However, eventually we grow arms and legs...we become frogs and we have to leave. And we consider this a scary prospect. "It's so morbid to think about becoming a frog," we say. "Just stay focused on your tadpole life and have a lot of tadpole fun. The pond we live in is a beautiful place and it's all that matters."

But that's not true. It's a lie. We are meant to be frogs. It's the purpose of our tadpole existence to grow into big, beautiful frogs, moving out into the vastness of the world beyond the pond.

We are put on this earth to become perfected. We are imperfect beings loved by a perfect being who wants to marry us. But this being, God, is not a rapist. He is a true lover...he won't take us home with Him if we don't want to. He left things in the world like mountains and meadows, flowers, earthly marriage, cookies, etc. to give us a small taste of life with Him. They're like little gifts he is giving to his girlfriend, the Church (us). If we get to know God and move forward in love with Him, we'll be truly happy, because He is our true love.

But if we fall in love with the things of this world instead, well...like a true lover, though He knows that we're meant to be with Him, and that we'll be truly happy with Him, He will respect that and break up with us. God doesn't send us to Hell, we send ourselves there. Hell is simply eternal separation from God...and that's what the pain of Hell is. And the pleasure of Heaven is his eternal presence. Earth is just somewhere in the middle...a dating ground for God.

That's why it's so important to have your faith to be not just a part of your life but all of your life. It's the purpose of your existence to grow into relationship with God where you will be truly happy...not just chasing after the pleasures of this world that are just a shadow of what God is like.

"I came that you might have life, and live it to the fullest," says Jesus. What? You mean the Church isn't down on fun? Yes, that's right. The Church teaches that God wants you to be happy. And true happiness, not temporary false happiness caused by chasing after temporary worldly joys, is found in growing to be perfect - to be a saint! Of course, we'll never be perfect...but it is in the journey to perfection, not the destination, that we find redemption. The job is finished after we die...so long as our striving was genuine.

My girlfriend and I agree that we must strive to have real conversation...about God and faith. It must be the center of our lives and our thoughts, because if it's not, we'll simply be floating along like so many others, focused on the world. The reason she and I are dating is not because she is a good person, a gentlelady, is nice to me, gets along with me, etc. Those things are nice and pretty important for us to get along, of course. However, the most important thing, the most vital part of our relationship in which all other things about us are nothing, is that I believe she is the best person to help me reach heaven. We are dating to find out if this is true...praying and asking God if it's true. If we get married, that will be our acknowledgment that it is. If not, it will be upsetting but no great loss compared to the risk of each other bringing us away from God. Because if we did not share the same faith, I strongly believe that is what would happen. She can't bring me forward if she's behind me. I can't bring her forward if I'm behind her. Only if we are hand-in-hand in faith can our relationship be one founded in Christ.

The one thing, the ONLY thing, we absolutely have to do on this earth, spoke a very wise man in my Awakening Faith group, is die. It's the only thing we have no choice about. Everyone dies. But not everyone finds true happiness, their purpose in life.

God is that purpose.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for unity in the purpose of Heaven.

I see me through you.

I don't often say nice things about myself.

I had an unusually cheerful day yesterday. I saw a friend in the morning who really put me in good spirits. I've had a lot of problems with this friend in the past, which is a true tragedy because of how alike we are and what we've both done on behalf of the other out of friendship love. But in our conversation I think we reached many moments of catharsis which made sense out of many of the hurts and misunderstandings of the past year. It made my whole day bright.

A highlight of the afternoon was giving blood. I felt so good; I went in with a big smile on my face. The nurse who examined me was complimenting the quality of my health/blood and it made me giggle. The whole time I was there, talking to people, I felt like I spread happiness like a contagion. I had too much - it overflowed. The nurses were even compelled to take a picture of me: because I was giving double red (which makes you very cold) I put my gloves and hat on, and a coat and blanket to stay warm. Apparently that's not common. One of the nurses commented on my smile when she took the picture. It was the best experience I ever had giving blood.

Later that day my girlfriend took me out to dinner. No real special occasion, other than being another day with her. She gave me a present and a card, and made me open the present first. It was a book I let her borrow - I found that hilarious! The card was very sweet. It made me tear up a little bit. All in all, she was very good to me. She always is.

It's hard now to imagine a time in my life where people did not think well of me, and I tended to agree that I wasn't worth much. I read a blog by a friend where she describes being bullied when she was younger. It reminded me of long ago when I was in much the same situation. I was not well-liked when I was younger. I only ever had one or two friends and my family and I were never really close. My friend writes about how she dealt with these problems, and I find that we dealt with it all in much the same way - by taking our minds somewhere far away. It's a really good thing we're friends. I don't have a lot of people who know what being bullied is like.

I don't need to repeat how I've made bad decisions in life. It's written all over elsewhere in my blog. But because of those things I find it easy to see myself not as I am but as a person who is just a rehabilitated version of the old self. I believe something changed when I finally surpassed my limitations caused by my emotional dependencies and my spiritual ineptitude. It took a while but I think I am beginning to see the good that others see in me. That's what happened yesterday. I saw my own smile through other's eyes. I listened to myself speak with other's ears. I enjoyed being who I really was, the joyful and friendly person that I am. It's hard to even type this paragraph. It feels arrogant and forced. But it's true and it would only be false humility if I were to hide it.

I will try to see myself through your eyes, Lord. My friends help.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for the eyes of love for all to see.

Trust issues, and the best of the best!

By human standards it would be reasonable to expect me to doubt the world around me.

I suppose I have to talk about my life a bit here. The one person in my family I was closest to died a little over 5 years ago (my mother) and many of the people I've been closest to since then have been more than a little misleading...many of them romantic interests which I've come to realize that it was a blessing things didn't work out.

Regardless, I find it hard to trust God sometimes, even when he's working wonderful things into my life. Sometimes, especially where friendships are concerned, I find it easy to panic just because of a small thing. The tiniest change in behavior for the worst in someone, even something so little as being a tad quieter than normal, can make me nervous. Even one little text message that doesn't receive a response can set me on edge. Did I say something wrong? Did they read it? Did I bother them? I've let the people who have been untrustworthy in my life ruin my trust for God, which is not acceptable...and I think now that I've realized it, I can end it. That's a promise, God!

We all have some growing up to do. I hope it doesn't sound judgmental for me to say some people have a little more growing up to do than others. I'm really bothered by the actions of people around me sometimes. There is a particular person I know who I once had a great deal of admiration for who I no longer have almost any at all. This person has/had the potential to become a beautiful person but now treats me, at least, with a great deal of disrespect. I will always love this particular person, but I no longer like them, and probably never will again.

On a nice note, though, I think the reason I have such low tolerance for their new attitude is because I have met, only a few weeks ago, a group of people whom I have quickly grown to love and admire. They are, quite simply, some of the best people I've ever met! I'm not exactly sure why things have happened the way they have, but I'm glad. So glad. This is all God's doing...everything good is, but in this case it's remarkably apparent. I have no words for how much I love them!

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that trust given was trust kept.

Why, God...WHY??

Why are you so good to me? :)

To think that only a few weeks ago I was practically wishing for death, and now everything is turning around. And I really don't deserve much. In fact, if you, the reader, knew everything about me, you might say that God has very good reasons to punish me.

But that's not the way God works. Consistently throughout my life, He has worked to bring me back towards Him. He has, time and time again, turned my blunders into blessings. I'm completely in awe at how everything has worked out.

I guess that's really all I have to say today. :)

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that all could see the wonderful mercy and love of God.

Empathy, and other tales...

I can tell when someone's upset.

It doesn't have to be very obvious...once you've experienced enough of misery, you know what it looks like. Last night, there were quite a few upset people around me. I wanted to comfort all of them, that's just the way I am, but the most I could do was make one of them smile and laugh a little. It felt really good to do that...I'm still not sure what they were upset about, or if they knew that I knew they were upset (I never gave a reason for my sudden attention) but having that empathy and trying to cheer them up was awesome.

Also, I think my week long happy-spree might be over. That might be the reason I've not posted that much lately...I was just feeling too good to sit down and write properly. But since last night I feel like I've been shifting back into my usual mode of melancholy. But the difference this time is that I'm prepared. :) Now that I've recognized that these mood swings are not rational as I have previously thought, that they are merely an illusion, I can do something about it. I can ignore it...not let it rule me. I can act happy even though I don't really feel all that happy, and who knows? Maybe there will be a fake-it-'til-you-make-it effect: If I just act like I'm happy, eventually I will be!

In that case, I can't wait to be happy again...

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that joy would be more contagious...

The true nature of depression...

I have decided to treat sadness as an illusion on the other side of happiness.

Regardless of whether or not I'm bipolar as I think I may very well be, it was very easy for me to learn that the main difference between myself when I'm happy and myself when I'm sad is perspective.

When I was sad, I could only see the negative in my life. I totally ignored the things that made me happy, or could make me happy. However, without any aspect of my life changing at all, I can become very happy by simply focusing on even the smallest sources of happiness in my day. It's not easy, but it's possible! I prove it to myself every time I have a mood swing.

So, if my mood is merely a reflection of whatever is on my mind, I can control my mood by intentionally blinding myself to my problems. I can break the illusion of sadness by adjusting the mirrors, so to speak!

A note of importance: This is easier said than done. I'm not yet sure whether I will be able to do this with any sure success...but it's definitely worth trying. I will probably mention this again someday.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that the illusion of sadness would be broken for good.

On determination, and November.

Boy, when I actually feel good, I feel it.

Through a complicated series of events, I've been launched into this strange state I find myself in from time to time where I have neither solved, nor forgotten my problems and anxieties, but found the strength to overlook them temporarily.

I'd rather not bog down my writing with the details, but suffice it to say it's the stuff that usually makes me feel good: spending time talking and laughing with fun and loving people, sharing things, and feeling truly welcome. Granted, most of it was due to circumstances that were forced upon us all, but I'm trying to ignore that minor detail.

So, whenever I feel good like I do now, I am always filled with a sense of determination that it should continue that way, and that I have the chance to make my life better. Things don't seem so hopeless: I feel fun and attractive to women, rather than a "bottom of the barrel" sort of guy I usually feel like...Rather than feeling like people have lost touch with me because they don't care about me anymore, I feel like "it's their loss." My sense of humor improves, my self-control improves, my work ethic improves, and my mood improves most of all. It's an all-around welcome change.

However, I'm worried that this might wear off again soon. It usually does, sometimes very quickly. And it always makes those disappointments seem so much worse. After all, when you expect disappointment and failure it hurts a lot less than when you are so sure things are taking a turn for the better and you turn out completely wrong.

Now that it is November, I feel especially susceptible to this sort of thing. Most of the biggest hurts in my life have happened to me in November. I'm not entirely sure why, and I don't mean to be superstitious, but I see a clear pattern. I hate being so cynical, but really...now that I am feeling alright, if I'm not careful I'll start asking myself "So, I feel good, which usually means something awful is about to happen. It's also November, the month where the worst things always happen. What's it going to be this time?"

But this determination...I don't even know what to do with it. It makes me want to go run outside and save the world. But the things that bother me in life are all the things out of my control. Determination has little to do with it all. I'll just have to enjoy the feeling while it's here.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that determination would always bring results.