If you're not familiar with the Lord of the Rings, a large part of the story is the journey of Aragorn. At first Aragorn lives in a world of self-doubt. Although fantastically proficient as a swordsmen and heroic in combat, he doubts himself. He doubts his strength, and believes the weakness of his forefathers is passed on in his blood. He is destined to be King...but has taken on the lonely and thankless life of a Ranger.
One of his few motivations is his love for the elf-lord Elrond's daughter, Arwen. Arwen loves Aragorn, and would give up her immortality to be with him, but the jealous Elrond will only allow Aragorn to marry her if he reunites the entire world under his leadership.
By the time we meet him in Lord of the Rings, Aragorn has already travelled across the world, fighting countless battles as a mysterious stranger, hooded and cloaked, his true identity known to none. Blessed with a long life-span, he has worked tirelessly for over 60 years to achieve his destiny.
The events of the Lord of the Rings visibly change Aragorn. No scene is more poignant than the one I quote above. In the book, the fact of this is only mentioned, but the movies actually show the scene where Aragorn confronts the demon who has been searching to destroy the destined King of Middle-Earth through a type of looking-glass called a palantír. It is only a ruse, designed to cause the demon to mobilize his armies, but nevertheless Aragorn's essentially psychic confrontation with the demon Sauron, if you know Lord of the Rings like I do, is an incredible act of bravery.
Imagine that you've been chased your entire life by an army of monsters led by a maniacal demon, and then creating a psychic link between you and that demon just to say "I will run no more. I will fight you!" That's what Aragorn did.
I feel that I empathize with such a hunting more and more lately. I have run my entire life from my own Sauron. Sometimes he is lying in wait, dormant. Other times, like in high school or my sophomore year here at college...and right now...he is awake. Fighting me actively. Long has he hunted me. Long have I eluded him.
But now I can't escape. I've been awakened to a terrible...something that I can no longer close my eyes to. I no longer know what to do about the most pivotal understanding anyone can come to in life.
I am being deliberately cryptic because there are some things in this blog that I must write about and at the same time keep to myself. I hope you can understand, reader.
Someone recently said that I was the "best of all of us" in reference to the community I live in. I couldn't believe it. If I am the best, as he says, how do I have problems I should have left behind long ago, never to return?
I know many things and understand many things, but what I know and understand are only reasons, not proofs...of anything. Sitting there, in a comfortable place among friends, feeling the sensation that I was sinking, physically sinking, afraid I was living a lie because I couldn't feel the goal of my lifetime speaking back to me and never really could...it was too much. I ran away.
I have to wonder if my problem really is caused by a demon. It would be a delight to think many things at this point. One is that by the silence I am really being a silent hero...when I die I await true delight in knowing that the sacrifice that God knew I could handle saved many others. The other is that I am so hated by the enemy that I get my very own Sauron, dedicated to deceiving me and trying to make this world a living hell for me. That's something I can actually fight.
The truth is that I don't know of any way I can find out. It's the only answer I have no source for.
There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for no more.