Friday, April 8, 2011

I am weary.

"The stars are faint; and I am weary as I have seldom been before, weary as no Ranger should be with a clear trail to follow. There is some will that lends speed to our foes and sets an unseen barrier before us: a weariness that is in the heart more than in the limb."

Tolkien has words for every emotion that I feel. The above quote is from the Lord of the Rings, and spoken by the future King Aragorn as he is hunting for his captured friends, running hundreds of miles in only three days.

I, too, have a weariness more of the heart than the limb. I don't realize it sometimes how ill-fitted I am in this day and age. I've talked about this before, I know. Every time I talk about it I get all the same responses that reveal to me how little people actually understand what I mean. Spare me the "of courses" and listen.

I think I would fit in perfectly about 800 years ago. Right in the High Middle Ages, a time of chivalry, romance, and Christianity. I see myself as a shepherd, sitting under a tree, watching the sheep eat and clouds pass by. Sure it wasn't all that great of a time. People died young. But I'm not afraid of death. Life was uncomfortable...but comfort isn't everything.

I can tell you what I don't like. Technology. I love it but I hate it. I hate it because I love it. I know I don't need it but I use it, and I know life would be much better if we had less of it. I am forced to use it because everyone else does.

I don't like our culture. I don't like what it promotes. I don't like the debates, the politics, the rules and regulations. I don't like school. I don't like money. I don't like order, discipline, walls, buildings, administrations...none of that. I don't like it at all. I'm tired of it.

I am a thinker, a philosopher, a theologian, a lover of God, his church, and his creation. I am a writer, a poet. I aim to live forever in God's heart. That is all that I love and all that I am and all I ever hope to be. And many of the things listed above work against that. I'm tired of it.

800 years ago, people died younger...but they lived longer. Think of how much time we have spent in our lives on technology, studies, devices, etc. How much time we spend, sometimes are forced to spend, keeping up with the hustle and bustle of this life.

I am so busy all of the time. I am busy doing good things. But I'm not built for this. I'm not built for this and no one understands it. There is someone right now reading this, saying they know how I feel and they do not, so spare me it. I realize I sound angry and I'm sorry.

I am not built for it in a way that makes me a bad person when it stretches me thin. I get so cranky that I will get angry at a person for apologizing to me. I get so flustered that I can't even think of what I'd like to do with my girlfriend on the weekend and I end up upsetting her and myself because I can't talk straight and just look frustrated. I'm not built for this so badly that the only way that I can explain to her how sorry I am that I'm too busy to think straight and don't mean any offense and wish I could do better is by writing it out somewhere she can see it: this blog post. I am a caveman forced to play the rocketman's game.

I don't fit.

There was a dream that I dreamed, such a dream that doesn't fit in this world.

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