Saturday, March 30, 2013

The war of the self.

Often I feel like there are two people inside of me.

One sees the world in a very calm, relaxed way. "Let it be what it is," he says. He takes things one step at a time and trusts to God's providence. He is the heart.

The other sees that sometimes loving is hard and rational decisions have to be made that might feel bad. He is the mind.

Then there's me...and I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile the two: the rational and the emotional.

Today I made a choice that I think is my first step in finally reconciling my mind and my heart. For the first time, I am not polarizing myself, using just my reasoning or using just my heart. I listened to my feelings and thought about what to do. And then I did it.

It was not easy, but it was right. I think I'm going to be OK.

Though the outcome of what's been happening the last few weeks was not what I wanted, I think I finally understand why I was led here. It's because after I learned how to use my heart without using my head, and then learned how to use my head without listening to my heart, God wanted me to learn how to use both. So he gave me this difficult situation and I responded to his will.

I'm going to look forward to the next lesson. I hope it's a happier one!

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for head and heart.

Thursday, March 28, 2013


Melee: a confused struggle.

I'm in a melee. I'm struggling and I don't know who I'm even fighting anymore. Myself? Someone else? Satan? God?

It seems lately like every time I write one of these posts, it's to undo the last one. Am I just crazy, or does my life really change this quickly? Do I really gain so much only to lose it a few days later?

I don't know what I've done, but I'm getting punished anyway. I feel like the world owes me an apology. I am trying to cope and stay happy but this is really something else. As tempted as I am to blame one person, this is not the fault of one person...this is just a lot of people doing little things over time. I am worn out of it. I have talked incessantly about all of the things that have bothered me in my life. I am tired of it. All I can do is just wait until I can move on, and I can hold on to the good friends I have until they move on.

I did so much, and it never mattered. But I didn't know that I could get hurt by doing nothing, too.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to see the face of the enemy.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

A whirlwind in my head part two.

Title is in reference to this post.

"It's like a whirlwind in my head...but if I concentrate, I know what people are thinking all over the world. Presidents; diplomats; scientists. I can help them understand each other." - Highlander

The last time I titled a post like this, a lot of things were changing at once in my life. It was like a whirlwind in my head...and it's happening again. In a very similar way.

I'm amazed at how I can finally plant both feet firmly on the ground only to have God knock me off of them. In a good way, of course. Lots of really good things are happening. Jobs are still an uncertainty, but I'm not worried. I think I know what to do.

I am feeling a little old. Yesterday, I happened to walk in on an engagement party. I had no idea these two were getting engaged...scratch that, I knew they would get engaged but I had no idea it would happen this soon. I wasn't really ready. I remember when they were just arriving to college...little more than children to my eyes. They are still really only children to my eyes. And now, they are going to get married. It's stunning. And here I was, off at a bar having a couple drinks with a friend. Life is leaving me behind.

But the good news is that the life that has left me behind is no longer relevant. No offense to those that this comment applies to, but I think the generation of people I poured my soul into the past five and a half years have turned out not to be the people who would remain in my life. It's the younger people who I never planned to meet (hey, until I applied to grad school I was planning graduating and planning to move away) that have turned out to be the ones that have really been reliable. "So much of life has left me and gone on ahead, but what was behind me this whole time has been better than I could have imagined." There are some really special people I would have missed if I had continued to spend all my energy on the people who continue to move on and away from me. I'm not trying anymore - it's just not worth it. God put new people in my life and the old have been swept away. That's OK.

I am continuing to take my own advice and just doing the good that comes to me and trusting in God to take care of everything else. I am really not at all sure where I am going anymore. I am not sure where I stand with my friends, especially one special friend in particular, and quite frankly I don't think it matters that I know. Good things will come to me in time and I will know, I will know what to do when it arrives.

This whirlwind is a good one, I can feel it.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for the wind at my back.

Friday, March 15, 2013

On that which can't be revealed.

A lot has happened since my last post.

To be honest, I'm not sure I can really reveal much of anything about it. It involves a lot of trust issues that I don't understand and find confusing and frustrating. I am really doing my best to accommodate this new situation in my life but everything I do seems to come out wrong.

I really thought I was done with all of this weeks ago, but I guess God had different plans. As excited as I was at the beginning of the week with the prospect of something beautiful breaking into my life, it has turned into something full of anxiety, turmoil, and lots of fear.

My greatest strength, which I believe is conflict resolution, is useless now because I can't talk about the person it needs discussed with.

I am frustrated and confused but I at least know what I need to do. I need to wait. Just wait.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream of revealing it all.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Let it be what it is.

Just recently I went on a nearly-week-long trip to Kentucky for the fourth and last time. I think this trip has been one of the best things to happen to me in a while.

It's like a fresh hypo of grace has been injected into my life. My head is clear for the first time in perhaps a year, and now I can look at my life with new eyes.

I think my most recent life lesson is that relationships need to be what they are. What I mean by this is that I have been so afraid of not having relationships or having poor ones...or simply not having the kind of relationship I want with a particular person has caused me to attempt to control them by means of a desperate system of mass invitations to be a part of my life that left me often exhausted and/or disappointed at the results.

With a little time I think I've realized that perhaps my last post was tipped to the opposite end of the scale. I've needed to find my balance, and I think I know what it is now. This week, there were only four other guys in a group of 24 (?) who went to Kentucky. I was literally forced to break my vow of only investing in male friendships. I did rather aggressively bond with my fellow men, but there were also several women that God figuratively dropped in on me that I was meant to be with. God needed me to fill a role, so I did. As always, God has the better idea. So I let those friendships be what they are.

I still have no plans in the near future to engage in any sort of romantic relationship, but I think I want to be more open to God intervening anyway. Which is really no different than what I said in my last post - only God himself will stop me.

Now, though, I am going to strike a balance and let my relationships be what they are. So much stress is taken on by myself and others who attempt to make relationships something when it doesn't matter (and never has mattered) what we have done. Relationships will always be what they are meant to be. Always. It is only up to us to let them be what they are. Is this a friendship? Then be a friend. That's it. No further questions nor actions necessary.

Thank you to everyone who helped me really cut loose and clear my mind. It's been great. I love you all.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream that was what it was.