An apathetic friend.

The further away I get from college life, the less I care about it.

It used to be that I was really broken up about the end of my life as a college student, and how much I missed the lifestyle and the friendships, but these days I am finding that more and more I do not miss it and do not care if my old friends have anything to say to me. That does not trouble me because I wish it were different, it troubles me because it is so opposed to everything I thought about myself.

It used to be that I firmly believed that all friendships could and should last forever, and that only a faithless friend says goodbye after life changes. But now, I am finding that the longer ago it is since I called someone, the more I think about just never calling them again. Friends whom I shared life with and thought warmly of, friends that I felt so much love for, and now...I just don't care.

Have I become a selfish person? Have I just become comfortable with my daily routine, apathetic toward the lives of others? Does this have something to do with becoming a counselor? I do not know.

Maybe I have just become like everyone else...perhaps this is how most people feel about friendships, and all along it was I who was missing out, not understanding why other people don't care about me - perhaps they did care, but were apathetic about showing it. I wish I knew.

It's been over a year since I left college, and it's been a good half a year since I made regular efforts to reach out to friends from my old life. More and more, I find that now that in my new life, I also don't care as much about being friends with people. They can reach out to me or leave me alone...I am apathetic. This troubles me.

I am afraid that my personality is changing, and I'm not sure if it's for the best.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to care forever.

Intuiting success.

I wish that I could do whatever I wanted. Or, rather, I don't, depending on your point of view.

My last post was a hopeful one, and I sincerely meant everything I said. But I am realizing that in order to do something, I must really believe in it.

I am able to recognize the solutions to my problem. I could solve all my problems today, if I really wanted to. But I don't want to be the kind of person who would solve their problems that way. I don't want to be someone who settles, I don't want to be someone who hordes attention and scares people into caring about me, I don't want to spend time with people pretending I have one intention when really I have another. I'm not going to trade my only virtues for vices, even if they promise to make me happy. I won't do it.

That's not the only problem, though. As long as it's not mechanical, I am able to recognize when something will work and when it will not work. I can take a lot of chances, but I hesitate to make ones that I know with very little doubt are not good ones. I am, perhaps, too sure of my own intuitions. But so far, every time I've really had a hard time were all the times I ignored my intuition. I'm not about to do it now, even if it will temporarily bring some joy to my life.

For now, though, I am doing something. I need new friends, more friends. I am trying to reach out to new people in the hopes that I will meet others like me, who love their friends in the way that I need to be loved. I can't hang out with the same people all the time and expect them to just learn how to conduct their friendships the way that I do. It's never worked.

It's good to be doing something. I just hope it works.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for an intuition of success.

Continuity of life.

I've been contemplating something lately.

I've been very happy here in my new home. There are easily multiple reasons for this: financial security, routine, the dignity of work, new friends, the excitement of relearning how to live and have fun. And I do have lots of fun.

But I think there has been a hidden reason, one that came to me after conversations with two friends. Both of them are old friends, both of them I enjoy talking to, but the difference between them is that after talking to one, I feel happy, and after the other, I feel sad. I think neither of them read this blog, which is why I feel safe saying this. But I talk to a lot of people...maybe they'll not know for sure who I mean.

Regardless, because of my history with one of them I always reminisce about what passed between us...and with the other, I reminisce because that is our relationship and what we talk about. The combination made me think about how life had gotten where it is now. I realized not only that I was not yet over what happened between my friend and I, but that I had forgotten about it for a time while I've been here. In fact, I've started to think of my life here as a new life, and not a continuation of the old. I broke the continuity in my mind, and so the painful, hurtful past felt like it never happened.

But I can't forget the mistakes and the silly things I've chosen to do in pursuing what I saw as my future. The future was never mine to choose even with all my effort - God had already picked one out for me that I clearly love. So be it. How do I keep this future bright?

I had already chosen to fast from dating for a time, likely several months, before I moved here. Recently I've added the decision that my new attitude towards dating is that I would avoid it altogether even after the fast is over. Since this future I'm living happened to me through God forcing it on me, and all of my failures were due to my efforts to prevent a future God planned for me, why not apply this to dating, and avoid women altogether? Whomever I am meant to be with will be thrust upon me whether I like it or not, and I can save myself the pain I put myself through over and over again.

Still, it's not a comfortable way to do things. I wonder if I've gone too far. I wonder a great many things. And this wonder has reduced me to silence the past few days. Thinking about this, thinking about my old life and my new life, and how it is really one life and I'm the same fool I've always been. I made my new friends uncomfortable a few days by saying almost nothing. It's eye-opening to discover by their discomfort how much I actually talk in a group of people when I am struck silent by my thoughts.

I wonder if I'll ever really figure out the grand scheme of this life, and how to get where I'm going.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to contemplate the stream of this life.

The Count.

"My kingdom is bounded only by the world, for I am neither an Italian, nor a Frenchman, nor a Hindu, nor an American, nor a Spaniard - I am a cosmopolite. No country can say it saw my birth. God alone knows what country will see me die. I adopt all customs, speak all languages. You believe me to be a Frenchman, for I speak French with the same facility and purity as yourself. Well, Ali, my Nubian, believes me to be an Arab; Bertuccio, my steward, takes me for a Roman; Haydée, my slave, thinks me a Greek."

I am re-reading the Count of Monte Cristo. Beautiful book, well written. One thing really stuck out to me - the game that the characters play in the story is really remarkable. It seems to me like high society back in the 19th century and earlier did nothing but try to flatter and attract one another, trying to usurp from one another a higher "position" in the social hierarchy, through negotiating intermarriages between powerful families, and acquiring wealth, and friendships. Fascinating!

As a person who generally likes everyone, I, too, play this game. But I don't do it to gain anything or to achieve some selfish purpose. I just want to get to know lots and lots of people, and make lots and lots of friends.

Like the quote at the beginning, said by the Count of Monte Cristo, I try to fit into whatever group I find myself. Perhaps I flatter myself, but I think I'm quite good at it. I do not lie or put on a mask, but I present a side of me that I think least likely to annoy or repel people I want to know. Well...at least until I get too excited. Then that's anyone's guess.

It is interesting trying to become a part of a new group and acquire as many friends as I possibly can. I love getting to know people. When I meet someone, I want to know everything about them. Well...maybe not everyone I meet, but most!

My only concern is that my curiosity will get me into trouble. I admit that in the past it's gotten me closer to people, most of them of the opposite sex, than I intended. The "get to know you" game is seen as played between potential lovers, not potential friends. I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past.

It can be seen in my present group of friends that there is a much more reserved nature to them than I am accustomed to. What I have considered innocent acts have nearly sent the wrong message to people.

Fortunately, I am much more cautious than I once was. Being new here, I don't yet have much of a reputation, and I want it to be a good one. I don't need to cause a lot of heartache and rock the boat again. I am having fun, and I'm getting to know new people all the time. I kinda just want to continue on and take whatever comes my way - no planning, no flirting, no destiny. Just life.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to fit into this life.

Railroaded.

"Maybe it's time to change...And leave it all behind! I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try. So why does it feel so wrong, to reach for something more...to wanna live a better life? What am I waiting for? 'Cause nothing stays the same. Maybe it's time to change."

I feel like many of the changes and choices I've made in the past year and a half were not my own. My career has never been my primary concern in life (perhaps a fault) but yet, in the past year and a half I've completely changed my career path, and made it a reality...almost effortlessly. I applied to a competitive program late and got in...two years later, I'm going to graduate. I passed both my major exams to become a counselor, with barely any effort. I've been getting congratulated on passing them, but honestly...I barely studied. How did I succeed?

Yet, the things I've put the most effort into the last six years have been mostly unsuccessful. The things I chose for myself, the things I wanted most were always out of reach. My career was always something off in the corner...a necessary burden. But yet, I've succeeded in that effortlessly.

It feels like a path has been chosen for me. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am. It seems like just yesterday, I planned to ask my girlfriend to marry me within months, find a job in English, and keep in touch with all my friends...two and a half years later, I don't have any plans at all, but it looks like somehow I'm going to go off alone to a distant city to be a counselor with no plans to date anyone ever again. I could have never planned this. In fact, I didn't. This wasn't the plan at all, and I have done barely anything at all to push it this way. Quite the opposite. I've fought it every step of the way, laying down my own plans...good plans. I was very methodical, very intentional in everything I did. Yet here I am.

I accept this, now. I don't like it, but I accept it. My good friends tell me I should like it. I agree, I wish I could. I wish I could want what God apparently wants to give to me. But I don't. I don't yet understand or know how to want something that I don't really want. I'm just not there.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to unrail.

Trying again.

"Despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt." -J.R.R. Tolkien

It's amazing how thoroughly clouded my view of the world around me can be when I am upset. The world can seem like such a dark place when you've gone a long time without hope of good things to come. You start to forget about the love and kindness that you are being shown by others right now. I can only say how sorry I am that I do not recognize it like I should.

Furthermore, the rather dark nature of this blog over the past year has more than once got me into trouble. Hard words can be interpreted in even harder ways. I no longer know how to reconcile my desire to share my feelings while being obscure enough to conceal my identity and the true circumstances of my life from the internet, and also being understood perfectly. It has gotten me scolded once, and now I've lost a friend for it - or rather, accelerated a disintegration of one.

I do not know how to reverse this process I am going through. It is true that I have a poor attitude. A very poor attitude, indeed. I am attempting to improve this. Already I have made progress. I have enjoyed a wedding without being focused on self-pity very much for the first time in a few years. Furthermore, I feel I have gained some measure of resolved toward rectifying my spiritual life. This is progress.

I think what is most needed in my life right now is to maintain an attitude of gratitude for whatever it is I have right now. It is useless to continue to count my losses, whatever they may be. I have a small group of people in my life that really seem to care about me. I really don't know why. I think most people I interact with I make uncomfortable or am just rather grumpy and rude. But that shouldn't matter. They are there, so they are there. In addition, I also need to be more generous and less self-focused. Of course if I focus on myself, I will  get lost in all the sad things that have happened to me. I will get lost in my worry about the future and my anger over having to let go of my passion for my vocation and focus only on my career. If I give myself to others in whatever way I can, maybe I will forget about myself altogether. Nothing that happens to me has to bother me. That is my burden, my responsibility. I can feel good about life, even if I don't know how yet.

It's just time to try again.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to start over.

Facing outward.

This will be my final post for a while on emotional modesty...this one is meant to tie all the others together.

Here's where my story with emotional modesty begins: I never had any close female friends in high school.

Even when I did have them, it was not by my own choice (they befriended me and I just went along with it) and it was always a bit strange to me. But I acted like myself and never really discussed anything of any depth with girls. Girls were weird...guys I understood. The end.

When I got to college, I actually did get some close female friends, one or two of whom I felt close enough to share some personal things. Women were still more uncomfortable to be around, although not enough to be a deterrent. Still, it was never to the depth of my male friendships until my senior year. I started to change a little bit - mostly because at that time I was engaged in deep reflection about myself, and I discovered that girls tend to do that much more often than guys. Soon, I began to fraternize more frequently with women, especially after I discovered I had a lot in common with many of them. This would inevitably lead to some attractions, but I never considered that a bad thing even when I was eventually turned down. This is where I really began to fail at emotional modesty - and never knew.

It's really only after the past year that I've seen exactly how destructive this kind of sharing could be. I have become attracted to friends against my will, and some friends became attracted to me against theirs.

I actually had three pretty bad experiences in a row the last few months with emotional modesty.

In the first, we had the kind of friendship I would call the "fusion." We were emotionally intertwined and interdependent, leaching off of one another. Why? We were both lonely, and we both had the same reason for being lonely. It was like a firework...it blew up and fizzled out. We grew to like each other very quickly and grew to dislike each other just as fast. She got sick of me, and I got mad at her for it. It took quite a while to heal that friendship, and it's never going to be a good friendship again.

In the second, I did a little better. I was trying to incorporate some emotional modesty in that friendship, even though I did not at that point understand why...therefore, I stunk at it. This friendship was what I would call the "face to face" approach. It didn't work because as hard as we tried to keep a detachment about it, we were constantly faced with one another. That friendship exploded as well, but this one seems to be healing.

In the third, we were dangerously close to a "fusion" friendship. But this time, I think through some hard decision making (and discussion) I have managed to finally make our friendship "face outward." By this, I mean that we are friends without being emotionally intertwined to the point that we are acting like we're dating. We are looking more out at the world together, and not at one another. And we're great friends.

Before these events, I thought that because I never got attracted to girls who had boyfriends (even if we shared emotional things), it meant that this was possible in every guy-girl friendship. However, I am now thinking that this is an exception rather than the rule. The only reason I never get attracted to girls who have boyfriends is because I am practical and see a relationship as impossible in those situations, and my feelings cooperate with that. However, I am now seeing it as very possible that any other relationship with a girl can involve attractions where there has been mutual sharing of feelings - and that even though I have experienced it as a good thing, it is not always a good thing at all - because it has really damaged a lot of those guy-girl friendships no matter how well and how craftily I tried to fix it.

In my contemplation of this problem, it occurred to me how there is actually a real level of emotional connection between a boyfriend and girlfriend, and how I had built this connection with women before without any commitment to them other than as a friend. Only then did it occur to me how unfair that was, and how it would thus follow that I could only consistently share things like that with other men, as there is no danger of attraction there. The only really difficult thing about that is that most of the men I know who were open to discussions like that with me are no longer around. But it's not all about me.

Even if I were really, really good friends with a girl, our relationship would never and could never look like a dating relationship, unless we were dating. While we might from time to time share feelings, or even cry, those times should be few and far between. If that is how it must be, then that is how it will be.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to face outward.

The circles of this world.

"Let us not be overthrown at the final test, who of old renounced the Shadow and the Ring. In sorrow we must go, but not in despair. Behold! We are not bound forever in the circles of the world, and beyond them is more than memory." - Aragorn, the Lord of the Rings

The final test. I have often attributed that phrase to anything I have to do that is very difficult. It is such wishful thinking. That one final act can, if I succeed, lead to happiness. I never truly expected eternal happiness. Not in this life. Just wishful thinking is all it is.

I notice that consistently the things that I love most about my life are taken away from me. Every time I think I've gotten something I might not have to give up, I must give it up, for some greater good. Or for what seems to be no reason at all.

I have had such good friends...such good and wonderful friends...and it seems as though none of those friendships will ever remain what I want them to be. Perhaps it's selfish of me, but I know how I feel. Hopefully someday I will look back and realize how silly I was, and how much happier I am having much fewer and much shallower friendships (as seems to be the direction all this is headed), but that is not how I see the world now. I was starting to get used to this idea. I was starting to accept that my friendships may not ever be what I want them to be, and that I could just love people however I was able.

And now, I don't even have that anymore.

My love, it seems, has been imperfect. Not just "normal human sinfulness imperfect" but imperfect in how open I have been emotionally, especially with women. It is something I have suspected but ignored for a long time, and finally, I asked the truth. I asked for the truth where I knew I could get it - from two different people - and I received it. The worst part of giving up something you value so much is knowing that you have to - that you are not mistaken.

Yet another treasure I am giving up for the Lord, and I only barely understand why. I only know that I am loving certain people so much more by holding myself back than by doing what I would like to do. I only wish I had some other way to get my feelings out. I wish I didn't have to keep doing this sort of thing. It just never ends.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to move beyond the circles of this world.

A whirlwind in my head part two.

Title is in reference to this post.

"It's like a whirlwind in my head...but if I concentrate, I know what people are thinking all over the world. Presidents; diplomats; scientists. I can help them understand each other." - Highlander

"Do you remember when 21 years was old?" - Phoenix, Countdown

The last time I titled a post like this, a lot of things were changing at once in my life. It was like a whirlwind in my head...and it's happening again. In a very similar way.

I'm amazed at how I can finally plant both feet firmly on the ground only to have God knock me off of them. In a good way, of course. Lots of really good things are happening. Jobs are still an uncertainty, but I'm not worried. I think I know what to do.

I am feeling a little old. Yesterday, I happened to walk in on an engagement party. I had no idea these two were getting engaged...scratch that, I knew they would get engaged but I had no idea it would happen this soon. I wasn't really ready. I remember when they were just arriving to college...little more than children to my eyes. They are still really only children to my eyes. And now, they are going to get married. It's stunning. And here I was, off at a bar having a couple drinks with a friend. Life is leaving me behind.

But the good news is that the life that has left me behind is no longer relevant. No offense to those that this comment applies to, but I think the generation of people I poured my soul into the past five and a half years have turned out not to be the people who would remain in my life. It's the younger people who I never planned to meet (hey, until I applied to grad school I was planning graduating and planning to move away) that have turned out to be the ones that have really been reliable. "So much of life has left me and gone on ahead, but what was behind me this whole time has been better than I could have imagined." There are some really special people I would have missed if I had continued to spend all my energy on the people who continue to move on and away from me. I'm not trying anymore - it's just not worth it. God put new people in my life and the old have been swept away. That's OK.

I am continuing to take my own advice and just doing the good that comes to me and trusting in God to take care of everything else. I am really not at all sure where I am going anymore. I am not sure where I stand with my friends, especially one special friend in particular, and quite frankly I don't think it matters that I know. Good things will come to me in time and I will know, I will know what to do when it arrives.

This whirlwind is a good one, I can feel it.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for the wind at my back.

Let it be what it is.

Just recently I went on a nearly-week-long trip to Kentucky for the fourth and last time. I think this trip has been one of the best things to happen to me in a while.

It's like a fresh hypo of grace has been injected into my life. My head is clear for the first time in perhaps a year, and now I can look at my life with new eyes.

I think my most recent life lesson is that relationships need to be what they are. What I mean by this is that I have been so afraid of not having relationships or having poor ones...or simply not having the kind of relationship I want with a particular person has caused me to attempt to control them by means of a desperate system of mass invitations to be a part of my life that left me often exhausted and/or disappointed at the results.

With a little time I think I've realized that perhaps my last post was tipped to the opposite end of the scale. I've needed to find my balance, and I think I know what it is now. This week, there were only four other guys in a group of 24 (?) who went to Kentucky. I was literally forced to break my vow of only investing in male friendships. I did rather aggressively bond with my fellow men, but there were also several women that God figuratively dropped in on me that I was meant to be with. God needed me to fill a role, so I did. As always, God has the better idea. So I let those friendships be what they are.

I still have no plans in the near future to engage in any sort of romantic relationship, but I think I want to be more open to God intervening anyway. Which is really no different than what I said in my last post - only God himself will stop me.

Now, though, I am going to strike a balance and let my relationships be what they are. So much stress is taken on by myself and others who attempt to make relationships something when it doesn't matter (and never has mattered) what we have done. Relationships will always be what they are meant to be. Always. It is only up to us to let them be what they are. Is this a friendship? Then be a friend. That's it. No further questions nor actions necessary.

Thank you to everyone who helped me really cut loose and clear my mind. It's been great. I love you all.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream that was what it was.

Happiness and memories.

I've noticed there are two types of people: those who see a happy picture from long ago and feel happy, and those who see a happy picture from long ago and feel sad.

I am one of the latter. The difference between myself and those who see old pictures with happiness is that the happy ones are the ones who know that those times will come again. Me, I don't. The future terrifies me.

Why? Because I know something other people don't. I have discovered that when people have a good group of friends, they don't look for more friends. They don't care about friends that have gone before them - at least, not in any real conscious, present way, just in the abstract "I hope wherever they are and whatever they're doing, they are happy." As long as my friends have plenty of other friends, I am disposable. The only way it is ever different is if I do something to make them feel guilty - or their other friends leave them. And neither of those are solutions that interest me. This is the truth.

My time is over. It has been long over, in fact. My senior year of college was two years ago, and now I am all washed up, even if am still a student - a graduate student, but a student nonetheless. I look around me and see happy people who were first brought into this community by my class - some of them by me personally. It has never really seemed to matter. So long as they are happy, they could care less how lonely I am. They can certainly pretend to care - they have to in order to feel OK about themselves - but in the end, if I never reached out and asked people to spend time with me, I would probably talk to people a couple times a year. There are a few out there who are legitimately busy - I understand that very well, indeed I do - but there are others who have their band, their group, their "one from many" of which I can never hope to take part. I'm too old - even when I do somehow spend time with people here, I feel like an outsider. I belong to a group of people who have already left me behind.

The times I've been happiest in life is when I really felt a part of something greater than myself. The times when I wasn't just a friend, but part of a group of friends. Those were the best. And now, I am on the verge of leaving behind every good thing I've had on earth. All that I ever really had was here, at school. If I couldn't make friendships that last here, what hope do I have out there, where it is so much harder?

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream of constant memory.

Lies, tears, then anger.

I don't often get angry, but when I know I have good reason to it's rather easy.

But anger is never first - at first I'm just sad. I'm happy about that because I think it's proper to mourn an injustice before having the anger to rectify it.

I'm angry, world, and I don't care who knows it. I've been forgotten about, discarded, ostracized, disrespected, and now...lied to. Lies, damn lies, are something I have a terrible time forgiving. There is no worse thing to treat me with than deception. Especially when that deception concerns something so close to my heart.

I think one of the wisest quotes from the Dark Tower is from one of the villains. "Only enemies tell the truth...friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of regard." I don't know who my friend is trying to gain regard from, but it's certainly not me.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for honesty.

The Hardest Part.

And the hardest part was letting go, not taking part...Was the hardest part...

http://youtu.be/6Dod1zQuleM

Every once in a while, I'll find a song that I really like. It just...fits. It makes sense for me to play this song and like it. This is that song.

I do not like writing posts like this. I know that people perceive writing like this as passive-aggressive and overly emotional. Too much information. It helps me to have an easily accessible chronicle of thoughts throughout the years. That is enough reason for me to indulge myself. I don't expect people to understand, least of all those closest to me - family, friends, etc. That said, I will move on.

This song for me is about futility. In the past half year I have felt defeated. The hardest part about about it is  having to let go. I always want to be more like Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z. "NO! I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!" But it's easier when all you need to do is train and get stronger and then try to punch the bad guy again. This is different.

My last post chronicles my feelings about people well enough for one to understand the importance of family, friends, and even acquaintances to me. This post is more about the effects of the futility in trying to achieve some sense of sentiment among those I know.

It seems more often than not my relations to other people involves more letting go of rather than taking part in their lives. Often I feel this is the hardest part of my life...as goes the song. I just have to swallow my pride, swallow my anger/sadness (I could feel it go down...bittersweet I could taste in my mouth).

It is utterly futile for me...always...in trying to have some semblance of constant support in my life. But I have no choice but to accept it. Life has to go on. If it is true that in a year, I will move far away and no longer have any friends, so be it. I had a dating relationship and that failed. I tried to have another and that is failing and will fail again, I'm sure. I am beaten. It is useless (Oh and I, I wish that I could work it out). Just the utter uselessness of all my efforts to change the way my relationships go. Nothing ever changes. That's the hardest part.

But I know that there really is no changing other people. I harp on this time and again: no one owes me anything. If people don't want to believe that their surface level understanding of their friends is not enough, then nothing I can say or do will change that (Everything I do, it just comes undone). If people would much rather be out of my company than reciprocate my friendship, then they will have that (You really broke my heart). I'm tired of begging people to be my friend anyway. Watching as they live their perfectly happy lives without me in it. That is their right and I have no reason to be offended. But yet I am, and I hate it.

It's just God and me. Always (You're silver lining the clouds). But "it is not good for man to be alone." I have real friends, it is true...but they are so few. Most of the time it is just a matter of waiting until the next time I may see them again.

Now, my only motivation in continuing thus is to simply be the kind of person who does the things I do. I go to mass because I want to be the kind of person who goes to mass, not because I want to. I go to class and do my schoolwork because I want to be the kind of person who works even though they don't feel like it. I continue to (try) being charitable and loving to people I am angry at because I want to be the kind of person who is charitable and loving to people he feels have done him wrong. Nothing I do...do I do it because I feel it will actually change my circumstances (I wonder what it's all about).

There it is. I know this is probably a bad idea to put this on the Internet but I just don't care. I am doing what I want to do.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for an easy part.

The characters in your story.

There is very little that makes me angry anymore, but if there is one thing I can count among those things it is ignorance of this fact: you are not just you.

Allow me to explain. Your soul is unique. There is no one else in the world, nor will there ever be, nor has there ever been, anyone just like you. I imagine everyone is on board with this at this point, and there's nothing new. But this is true about everyone else. And God has put the people you know in your life for a reason. Nothing is simply circumstance because everything's existence is contingent on God's benevolent, omniscient, and omnipotent being.

There are people in your life right now - unique, irreplaceable, unrepeatable people - that you will never be able to fully understand and fully grasp in your life. I don't care how boring, uninteresting, strange, ugly, etc. you think someone is, they are a universe of possibilities. Everyone you know is fantastically complex and full of potential. That is why abortion is such a plague: it ends people's lives before this potential can be unleashed. Your neighbors are not just your neighbors just as you are not just you. Your neighbors are potential lifesavers, friends, best friends, enemies/difficult people, teachers, mentors, and if they are of the opposite sex, potential spouses.

This is what makes me so angry: potential wasted. Other's lives gone unconsidered. How many people go through a day without considering the characters in their lives? Your life is a story. God is a storyteller and he made you...you have a unique life to live and you're living it whether you like it or not. Don't you ever look around at the characters in your story and realize that these people are in your life for a specific purpose and to fulfill a specific role? I know many who don't. Or at least, they really don't seem to. Everyone you meet is not just a person you have met. They are not just what you think they are. Everyone you meet is potentially the person that will change your life. If you write them off as "just a friend" or "just my sibling" or "just my teacher" or "just somebody" you have closed a door to infinite possibilities.

Nothing makes me so angry as a person set in their ways about the people in their lives. Someone who just knows who somebody is. Here's an easy example for someone my age and I hope I'll be forgiven the cliche quality of it: unrequited love. I'm only speaking of the type where a friend of the opposite sex denies another friend because they're friends. It's like saying "I'm sorry, we can't be friends because we're neighbors." It makes no sense.

That's why I think really hard about who is in my life. I want to know about them, who they are, who they want to be, what they think. I know I suck at it. I know sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes I make mistakes. But damn it, I try! I try so hard. And I know I can never learn enough about these people I know. I can't figure out how I feel about all of them or what I really ought to do with them and for them. Sometimes I get tired of it, or fail some other way. But at least I'm committed to figuring it out. I can't say everyone gives me the same consideration. I know that sounds like I feel entitled. That's because I do. I feel entitled to the same consideration that I know I will probably not get. Perhaps this is probably a fault. But I know this is how I see things and I can't change that until I see how it's not true.

I'm so tired of seeing people going through their lives without asking the important questions: who am I and what am I doing? Having a job can never be as important as putting your resources to good use. Having a social life can never be as important as seeking to understand and grow with the people you know. Having a family can never be as important as building a family that revolves around love. I am a poor mouthpiece for this knowledge. But I'm willing to say it. I hope that's good enough.

Reader: who are you? To yourself? To me? What could we be? Are we willing to find out? You can count on me to have an emphatic YES to that last question!

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to explore the casting of my story.

Time travel.

I'm obsessed with time travel.

One of my running jokes with a friend is that we're time travelers. Half of my favorite video games, books, and movies involve some form of time travel. I like time travel so much, I'm going to list all the time travelling media I consume in one post by category (since I can't remember them all at once and this is probably the only post where it would be relevant enough to keep track):

[S] = Split Timeline Theory (any changes made in the past create a new timeline based on that change, so that the future can't be changed for the time traveller, only for the inhabitants of the new timeline)
[X] = "It is Fate" (the past can't be changed, any attempt to prevent past events is thwarted somehow)
[B] = Butterfly Effect style time travel (everything in the past effects the future, you can prevent your own birth, etc., opposite of Split Timeline Theory)
[*] = Special Rules Time Travel (time travel is magic, the rules about time travel are very loose or different e.g. in Groundhog Day, the main character relives only one day over and over, or in Radiant Historia, events done in one timeline affect the other in inconsistent ways)

Movies/Shows:
The Butterfly Effect [B]
Groundhog Day [*]
Back to the Future [B]
Dragon Ball Z [S]
Star Trek [B]
Galaxy Quest [B][*]
Lost in Space [B]

Games:
Chrono Trigger [B]
Radiant Historia [S/B][*]
Ocarina of Time [B][*]
Majora's Mask [*]

Books/Comics:
The Time Machine [X]
The Dark Tower [B?][*]
The Adventures of Dr. Mcninja [B]
Restaurant at the End of the Universe [B/*]

That's all I can think of right now...Anyway, there's a point to all this. I'm obsessed with time travel because I think guilt and regret drive a lot of my behavior. I have a tendency to look backwards and want to fix things that can't be fixed. It's just kind of stunning to me to consider how something so simple as a time travel fixation can come from something so complicated as feelings of regret.

Often times, I can think of several points in my life where I know if I had just been a little more patient, or a little more brave, I could have changed someone's life for the better - or my own. It's what makes me so intentional about relationships nowadays. I know I won't get another chance to do things right now. So I make sure people know how I feel. I make sure that every interaction I have with someone is meaningful. I just have to. Or else I'll regret it, because I can't change it. I can't do it again. But with time travel you can...that's what makes me a fan.

I always have to try my best...until I get my own time machine. :)

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to master time.

The Long Defeat.

"I am a Christian, and indeed a Roman Catholic, so that I do not expect 'history' to be anything but a 'long defeat' – though it contains (and in a legend may contain more clearly and movingly) some samples or glimpses of final victory." - J.R.R. Tolkien

I keep coming back to this quote because I believe it applies to my life. I know it is cliche to talk broadly about one's life, but really. More often than not, I really feel like I'm just getting beaten.

I was talking with a friend who is undergoing similar circumstances, and at one point in our conversation we came to the same conclusion: we have no idea what we're doing.

I think we all grew up with this notion that all adults know what they're doing. Our parents know everything and are completely capable. How wrong we were. I really feel like all we ever are is clueless until we die, with the only advantage of age being a little more experience. How I wish it were different.

I feel like I'm just along for the ride sometimes, and no matter how hard I try, control is just out of my reach.

Me too.

All I can ever really do is just keep trying, but sometimes it just feels ridiculous how little progress I make. That's what makes me feel clueless - I think if I truly knew what I was doing, I'd be doing better.

So, I am living this long defeat, awaiting final victory that has already been won for me. But there's so much I'd like to do before I get there. Like get married, God willing.

I think I could have gotten married. I might have been engaged by now, at least. But I ended that relationship half a year ago, today, I think. It was a good decision - don't get me wrong - but I lost more from breaking it off than she did. I always thought that I was more replaceable to her than she was to me. I think she's the only one who ever really knew me in the way she did - something that I'd wanted for a long, long time. Turns out I was right. Here I am, single months later with no real hope of dating anyone anytime soon, and she's started a relationship. I've never been more upset finding out I was right. I am disposable.

I've been writing letters lately to people whom I really feel are important to me. At the same time, I'm discovering how unimportant I am to most people. I really feel like there are just three people who would miss me - really miss me - if I were gone. All I can do is whine about it like a little kid on this stupid blog and hope that someday, if I just continue being patient and nice to people, that might change.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream of the end of the long defeat.

What is owed.

Nobody really owes me anything.

These days I am a very angry person. The anger is my own fault. It comes from my sense of entitlement - people ought to treat me this way. People ought to give me this or that consideration. People ought to do this or that. But I find myself inevitably and totally disappointed.

I know that I complain a lot. If you disagree, fine. I complain a lot in my head, then. My head is a mess of accusations. How dare she! How dare he! How dare they! They know better! Well, that is my standard. I can't control anyone but myself.

It is so difficult for people to put themselves in other people's shoes. This is the root of many interpersonal problems. People just don't get what it's like. At the same time as I do something I feel justified, someone does the same thing to me, and I feel it categorically unjust. But yet, if I am honest, I know they must have some justification known only to themselves.

I take today as an example. Rejection is something I find difficult to justify in almost any situation - utter rejection, without consideration. It angers me. In movies I will cheer on the most rejected character of the story. I can't help but love them and want to see them do well. That is my empathy.

So, today, I was rejected. That is the only detail necessary in telling this story for the purposes of my moral. I was rejected in the same way that I know I will someday soon reject someone else. I know that I have my justifications for it, and feel them good enough. But, were I to explain it to the rejectee they would likely consider it a very weak excuse. So the same in reverse. Today, I was rejected, and the reasoning I heard was utter tripe, in my personal opinion. Bah, I thought. Utter bull. Their excuse is not at all consideration as they say. But I must put this on myself. I know. Hypocrite.

I am not owed consideration. I am not owed consideration from the person who I spoke to today. I am not owed consideration by my friends. I am not owed anything. No one ought to do anything for me or with me. That is not the same as should, in the moral sense. Of course I have been maltreated, just as I have maltreated others.

Everything I have given as a friend has been a gift, not an obligation. I have given time, tears, and energy. I do not believe I have been given the same. That makes me somewhat angry - but what makes me even angrier is knowing that I am not really owed what I am demanding, and that the person I should really be angry at is myself, for demanding it.

Damn it!

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for release from obligation.

On insincerity.

People need to figure out what a lie is.

A lie is intentionally saying something false. A lie is making promises you can't - or won't - keep. A lie is saying something you don't mean.

I get a lot of lies from people who really mean well. But they're really not doing well at all. Consider someone who says something nice but doesn't mean it at all - where does that leave the person receiving that lie? It is only delaying the day when they finally say "Well, I guess that person never meant what they said at all." Which hurts more than just saying the harsh truth up front.

I can finally admit that I am not well-liked by the majority of people. That's it, that's the bare facts. I hardly care anymore. How do I know this? It comes in actions, not words. At the end of the day, people can say all kinds of nice things to me and having nothing to back it up. I like that they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me they find me absolutely boring and uninteresting, but if I'm boring and uninteresting, I really don't mind knowing, rather than having to figure it out for myself.

Really, the people who are reading this blog right now hardly need told any of this, and I anticipate that this little rant is going to cost me a sit-down with one of my few true friends. Thank you, but no! You should know I mean none of you. It is the others from whom I hear a lot of nicey-nice talk but demonstrate constantly their insincerity.

I'm a grown man now. I'm really not demonstrating that very well right now, writing a rant on the Internet like a teenager and all, but if people understood this is the only real platform I am allowed unlimited expression of my feelings where they can be "heard" maybe I can be allowed a little indulgence. Still, I am a grown man. I can handle someone telling me they'd rather not be my friend. That doesn't hurt me as much as it hurts to be led to believe I have many friends, when in reality I do not.

I want true friendships, virtuous friendships, sincere and involved friendships. I don't want to hear from people that I am something to them I am not. The reality of that grievous lie comes out the first time I see them again, when people are around and they can't even look me in the eye and say "hello." That doesn't sound like friendship at all to me. Oh no.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for sincerity.

The good choice.

What is the greatest thing to be achieved in this life?

Often times, putting the needs of others over your own can be difficult. I cannot say it is the easiest thing to do to sit on your hands and do nothing so that others may live in comfort - because by acting on your own desires, you may impede theirs...either for their own hopes, or their own comforts. And that is often what I must do.

How can I call myself a friend if I don't act like a friend should? My friendship doesn't end as soon as I want more. No, I can only choose to be a good friend, and nothing more. Everything else will follow, and it will either be what I want or it will be something better:

"...We do not always have to foresee every possibility. We have only to judge whether the act is right, just, and accords with the truth and love here and now, because we "believe in the good" and are therefore convinced that, whatever consequences may follow, they will certainly be good ones, beneficial to ourselves and to society." - Thomas Merton

...And so as Merton says, I go on, doing whatever good I believe I can in my friendships. Even if it means not being as close of a friend as I would like. Even if it kinda hurts to say nothing where I would really like to.

This is why I dislike when menboys go after girls who have only recently broken off a relationship. They need time, and they're so selfish they won't give them any. I believe they call it "catching her on the rebound" and it's little more than emotional manipulation. It's disgusting.

What is the greatest thing to be achieved in this life? It is to be a virtuous person, I think. Truly virtuous...and to have that quality is worth everything. I would go as far as to say that it is better to die a good man than to live as a cheater, liar, thief, or murderer. It's to never give in to the easy path, even over the smallest thing...it's to say "never!" when evil comes and calls.

I'll never join you!

That's what that choice is. Selfish, and therefore evil. Even if it seems trivial to some people, you can never be a virtuous person if you make exceptions for even the smallest evils.

So, never. I say never.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to do good always.

The pay-off.

In human action and interaction, there is rarely, if ever, any sort of arbitrariness. There is always a "point" to it...something I am trying to "get" or "achieve."

It is a dangerous business to always go through life without examining what kind of pay-off I am trying to get from my actions. "What is the point of what I'm doing?" I must ask if I truly wish to be a person of virtue.

I have become aware, recently, of how lax I have been in checking myself for these pay-offs. I thank God that I know I'm being an arrogant fool sometimes. It comes out in a few of these posts. While it may be true I feel like a Jedi when I counsel people, I think it is true I tell people so not for any reason other than because I want their approval, which is a very silly reason. If I am to be someone who only cares how God judges me, that's not really the way to go about it.

Even while I am being more vigilant in my awareness of why I am doing what I'm doing I know that I must have blind spots. This is why I have decided I need to make sure I am getting plenty of virtuous friendships. The path to righteousness was never intended, I believe, to be taken alone. This is why I am very grateful for the friendship of a man I will refer to as G.

G and I only met this year, and I must say at first I was a bit annoyed at him. Not because I didn't appreciate his sense of humor and found him a bore, but because I was so unused to not having to work to make friends with someone that I found it almost irritating. But I am grateful I decided to throw this aside and give it a shot. G is a great Catholic man, and even though he seems awkward and timid to the unobservant, in reality he is definitely not afraid to ask me the tough questions. "Do you think you're reading too much into it?" He asked the other day as I told him a guy-to-guy story. I thought briefly and answered "yes" because of course I was.

I appreciated this probably more than I let on to G, because I need friends like him to alert me to my blind spots. Someone to sharpen my iron, to use the Pauline phrase. I know I can count on G to help me grow in virtue, because I can tell that even more than he likes to have fun with me, I know he wants to grow closer to Christ, and help me in that, too.

G is, of course, not the only virtuous friendship I have. I could mention a few others, some of whom are probably my readers (I believe there are about 8 people who regularly keep up with this blog in any regular fashion, and I have perhaps indulgently assumed these are my closest associates). However, G is a great example of what I hope to have more of. I find I am increasingly less interested in idle amusement in my friendships, and more and more interested in learning something from them. This is what attracts me most to a person: their wisdom that I so desperately need!

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for a virtuous pay-off.