Facing outward.

This will be my final post for a while on emotional modesty...this one is meant to tie all the others together.

Here's where my story with emotional modesty begins: I never had any close female friends in high school.

Even when I did have them, it was not by my own choice (they befriended me and I just went along with it) and it was always a bit strange to me. But I acted like myself and never really discussed anything of any depth with girls. Girls were weird...guys I understood. The end.

When I got to college, I actually did get some close female friends, one or two of whom I felt close enough to share some personal things. Women were still more uncomfortable to be around, although not enough to be a deterrent. Still, it was never to the depth of my male friendships until my senior year. I started to change a little bit - mostly because at that time I was engaged in deep reflection about myself, and I discovered that girls tend to do that much more often than guys. Soon, I began to fraternize more frequently with women, especially after I discovered I had a lot in common with many of them. This would inevitably lead to some attractions, but I never considered that a bad thing even when I was eventually turned down. This is where I really began to fail at emotional modesty - and never knew.

It's really only after the past year that I've seen exactly how destructive this kind of sharing could be. I have become attracted to friends against my will, and some friends became attracted to me against theirs.

I actually had three pretty bad experiences in a row the last few months with emotional modesty.

In the first, we had the kind of friendship I would call the "fusion." We were emotionally intertwined and interdependent, leaching off of one another. Why? We were both lonely, and we both had the same reason for being lonely. It was like a firework...it blew up and fizzled out. We grew to like each other very quickly and grew to dislike each other just as fast. She got sick of me, and I got mad at her for it. It took quite a while to heal that friendship, and it's never going to be a good friendship again.

In the second, I did a little better. I was trying to incorporate some emotional modesty in that friendship, even though I did not at that point understand why...therefore, I stunk at it. This friendship was what I would call the "face to face" approach. It didn't work because as hard as we tried to keep a detachment about it, we were constantly faced with one another. That friendship exploded as well, but this one seems to be healing.

In the third, we were dangerously close to a "fusion" friendship. But this time, I think through some hard decision making (and discussion) I have managed to finally make our friendship "face outward." By this, I mean that we are friends without being emotionally intertwined to the point that we are acting like we're dating. We are looking more out at the world together, and not at one another. And we're great friends.

Before these events, I thought that because I never got attracted to girls who had boyfriends (even if we shared emotional things), it meant that this was possible in every guy-girl friendship. However, I am now thinking that this is an exception rather than the rule. The only reason I never get attracted to girls who have boyfriends is because I am practical and see a relationship as impossible in those situations, and my feelings cooperate with that. However, I am now seeing it as very possible that any other relationship with a girl can involve attractions where there has been mutual sharing of feelings - and that even though I have experienced it as a good thing, it is not always a good thing at all - because it has really damaged a lot of those guy-girl friendships no matter how well and how craftily I tried to fix it.

In my contemplation of this problem, it occurred to me how there is actually a real level of emotional connection between a boyfriend and girlfriend, and how I had built this connection with women before without any commitment to them other than as a friend. Only then did it occur to me how unfair that was, and how it would thus follow that I could only consistently share things like that with other men, as there is no danger of attraction there. The only really difficult thing about that is that most of the men I know who were open to discussions like that with me are no longer around. But it's not all about me.

Even if I were really, really good friends with a girl, our relationship would never and could never look like a dating relationship, unless we were dating. While we might from time to time share feelings, or even cry, those times should be few and far between. If that is how it must be, then that is how it will be.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to face outward.

No more.

"NAME YOURSELF, GUNSLINGER."
"Roland of Gilead, son of Steven. Who speaks to me?"
"GILEAD IS NO MORE," the voice mused, ignoring the question. Roland looked up and saw patterns of concentric rings in the ceiling. The voice was coming from those.
"NO GUNSLINGER HAS WALKED IN-WORLD OR MID-WORLD FOR ALMOST THREE HUNDRED YEARS."
"I and my friends are the last."

I can do great things when I'm angry. I can do great things when I've had enough. Sometimes, it's the only way I can do certain things.

Six years ago, I didn't have any female friends. At least, none that were all that close, and certainly none that I really chose. Five years ago, when I graduated and came to college, I got a couple. Probably no more than two or three. Four years ago, that began to change. I actually chose a few female friends. Perhaps maybe a third of my friends were girls. Then three years ago, it was half. Two years ago, my male friends diminished significantly. Now beginning a year ago, I have really only one or two close male friends, and a bunch of female friends.

No. More.

As that pattern had changed, I considered it a fluke. I mused that the population of women in Bowling Green was skewed, and the population at St. Tom's even more increasingly skewed over the years. Of course I would have more lady friends. Right?

But no. Somehow, somewhere along the line I really began to prefer the company of women over men. And somehow, I failed to see what a problem it has caused me.

On another note, I am very sick of the kindergarten baby crap that the opposite sex has put me through as I have earnestly and honestly pursued romantic relationships over the years. I have tried lots of separation, little separation, lots of communication, no communication, high speed, low speed, NO speed, I'M DONE! I have put myself through hell trying to be the kind of man who deserves a good woman, only to discover that most women just have no clue what they want and don't deserve a guy like me. I have no qualms about saying that. I really have done a great job in pursuing relationships in an open, honest, christian manner, and I'm through with it.

From now on, I am only going to seek the friendship of my fellow men. Sure, I will hang out with women if they ask...but ONLY if they ask. That should suffice to comfort whatever female friends I still have. Furthermore, I am not even going to think about dating for as long as I feel like not thinking about it.

Why? I have many, many reasons.

1. Girls get closest to other girls, guys get closest to other guys. Here I've been, stuck in no man's land. I tried to become best friends with girls, but it would never work. I could never be as close to a girl as another girl. And all the time, I wouldn't be invited to spend time with girls because they were having girl time and I was a guy. And I wouldn't be invited to guy time because I wasn't hanging out with guys so they wouldn't think to invite me. THIS WAS A VERY, VERY LONELY EXISTENCE.
2. I have been emasculated. I think because I've hung out with girls so much, I got used to it. So did girls. I became one of the girls, instead of a guy hanging out with girls. I can only get masculinity from hanging out with guys. I want that back.
3. On a similar note, I think it's made me unattractive to women. I'm really not sure how it all works but I don't care. I still think I ought to be married someday, and something is not right about hanging out with women all the time and not getting anywhere all this time. Time to try something different.
4. Similar to number one, I have had such bad experiences with female friendships. My best friend at one point was a girl. Now, she ignores me and doesn't even have the decency to tell me why. I literally have no clue what I did. I've noticed most of my female friends are always too busy to hang out and don't really ask me to come over or anything, which sucks because a one-sided friendship isn't really a friendship at all.
5. Hanging out with guys used to be fun. It can be fun again. I remember having great times TPing and playing Mario Kart with my guy friends in high school. To this day, I laugh a lot more with the few remaining guy friends I have than with women. Women tend not to be as funny as guys. And laughing is such a cure for anything. It would be nice to bust a gut when I'm feeling down instead of talking about it with girls and just eventually realizing there is no solution and feeling worse.

So, yeah. I'm not going to talk, text, invite, or otherwise seek the company of women. If any of my friends are offended by this, then let it be so. You had your chance to seek me out, and you still do. I won't say no to hanging out with anyone, I never have and never will. But I have to do what is right for me. Even more, I have to do what is right. I am angry, and justly angry, and it is my anger that is enabling me to finally do this right thing, even though it is hard. I will have justice for myself and Christ who leads me to this. No one can stop me.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for masculinity.

The good choice.

What is the greatest thing to be achieved in this life?

Often times, putting the needs of others over your own can be difficult. I cannot say it is the easiest thing to do to sit on your hands and do nothing so that others may live in comfort - because by acting on your own desires, you may impede theirs...either for their own hopes, or their own comforts. And that is often what I must do.

How can I call myself a friend if I don't act like a friend should? My friendship doesn't end as soon as I want more. No, I can only choose to be a good friend, and nothing more. Everything else will follow, and it will either be what I want or it will be something better:

"...We do not always have to foresee every possibility. We have only to judge whether the act is right, just, and accords with the truth and love here and now, because we "believe in the good" and are therefore convinced that, whatever consequences may follow, they will certainly be good ones, beneficial to ourselves and to society." - Thomas Merton

...And so as Merton says, I go on, doing whatever good I believe I can in my friendships. Even if it means not being as close of a friend as I would like. Even if it kinda hurts to say nothing where I would really like to.

This is why I dislike when menboys go after girls who have only recently broken off a relationship. They need time, and they're so selfish they won't give them any. I believe they call it "catching her on the rebound" and it's little more than emotional manipulation. It's disgusting.

What is the greatest thing to be achieved in this life? It is to be a virtuous person, I think. Truly virtuous...and to have that quality is worth everything. I would go as far as to say that it is better to die a good man than to live as a cheater, liar, thief, or murderer. It's to never give in to the easy path, even over the smallest thing...it's to say "never!" when evil comes and calls.

I'll never join you!

That's what that choice is. Selfish, and therefore evil. Even if it seems trivial to some people, you can never be a virtuous person if you make exceptions for even the smallest evils.

So, never. I say never.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to do good always.

Funny in a sense.

My life is hilarious, if you have the kind of sense of humor where sad irony and odd situations are funny.

I suppose I must be going crazy, because I keep losing control of myself. Just in the past few weeks, I did a couple things I really regretted. Nothing permanent, but what I did was either a little mean or insensitive, or just entailed too much information.

I think it may be in part due to loneliness. It seems like most folks are really too busy to hang around with me, which is sad. When I'm really interested in people, they tend to fall off the face of the earth. That's not to say that every once in a while I get to spend good time with people who never fall off the face of the earth, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

Loneliness sends me into psychosis. Nothing else will drive me more crazy than not being able to talk to people. But it seems like a lot of the time when I talk to people, they don't really seem interested in what I have to say...or for some reason, I clam up and don't talk. Sometimes I feel as though I shouldn't...that listening is more valuable for me than talking and I just better accept it. It may have something to do with being told I share too much a few weeks ago by someone whose opinions I value greatly. At the time it hurt...but later, I wondered.

I'm very tired of women. I admire women greatly, but it seems as though I just have too many lady friends right now. Women are confusing sometimes - Men are blunt and simple, but women are into nuance and ambiguity, it seems. I admit that I can be ambiguous too...often, even...but that doesn't mean I like it.

Yet like a double-edged sword, I don't really have lots of guys to be friends with, and I can't have the same kind of friendship with a guy as I enjoy with the ladies around here. It's hard to describe, but while I have more in common with most guys, I relate better with women. Hmm.

Still, if I were to share everything going on in my life on this blog, it would be too much information and too much conjecture. I am a counselor - I notice things concerning people others miss. Sometimes I don't like it.

Sometimes, I just want to be ignorant of it all.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for a sense of sensibility.

What you need to know.

Are you serious men?

Are you serious women?

So, I've been thinking.

An Internet argument and a youtube video have both been getting me thinking about the men vs. women mentality when it comes to relationships. Kinda lame, but I promise I've thought about it a lot before now.

I think it's about time I wrote a blog post explaining my thoughts on some of these men and women issues, instead of just trying to talk about it and getting interrupted by people who are rude when they're upset.

This is what is near and dear to my heart at the moment: interactions between men and women when at least one of them is romantically interested in the other. All that heartbreak, he-said-she-said, flirting stuff.

I'm not the expert, but here is what I've learned on this subject.

Men, here's what you need to know:

• Yes, I'm going to talk about the friend zone. In my opinion, the friend zone is nothing to be feared. This is going to stink for some guys out there, but some women simply like having a male friend to enjoy and confide in without having to worry about the messiness of being in a relationship with them. It's comforting. That's the way some women are. If you're a nice person, there are going to be lots of women like this. And that's OK! They may not really be right for you, and if they are right for you, you need to trust that they'll see it, too. But worrying about it might end up ruining a friendship that would never be a relationship. I've made that mistake enough to know that some male-female friendships would not work as relationships even if it seems so much like it would.
• If she's not into you, she's not into you. If you're asking yourself "Does she like me?" a lot, she probably doesn't. If girls like you, they will find a way into your life. You will notice them. Some of them even follow you around, a bit. Some of the more mature ones will be more subtle, but you'll still notice the change in behavior. Unless you're really dense. Chances are, if talking to them is definitely not a one-sided endeavor (they start conversation with you as much as you start conversation with them), and you're not in the friend zone (see above), they might, might like you.
• In the name of King Elessar II, if a woman hurts your feelings, grow up and move on. Getting angry and blaming women for "making you a jerk" is a sorry excuse for throwing away your manhood. Yes, that's what you're doing if you retaliate in any way other than throwing up your hands and saying "Oh well!" and moving on. You're becoming a little boy. Grow up so the rest of us real men don't look so stupid.
• May I reiterate - don't get mad and don't push anything. Most women who put men in the friend zone don't know it. And if they do know, they may like this friend so much that they don't know what to do and just want to save the friendship. If you push her, though, she will either break off the friendship, or she will give in and you will end up in a relationship that is doomed to fail.

Women, here's what you need to know:

• Men aren't complicated. In fact, they're very simple. That's why they confuse you! Because you are such a complicated creature, you expect men to be complicated too...and they're not.
• Every time you confide in a man emotionally, you are running the risk of sending him the wrong messages. Most men like this and see it as an intentional deepening of the relationship. You, on the other hand, may just really want a friend to talk to. If you are worried about sending a male friend the wrong message, suck it up and be quiet, and wait until you can talk to a girlfriend. Do the right thing for the both of you.
• Most men aren't impressed with a woman who tries to be what she is not. I find that most often the women who attract lots of men are women who are radically themselves. In my experience men like a "multi-faceted" woman who doesn't have just one side to herself, and is also willing to share them.
• If he doesn't like you, he'll probably avoid you if you're being aggressive/sending strong messages. Unless you're a friend. Even then, he might still avoid you. If he's brave, maybe he'll tell you...very plainly. Maybe. Hopefully he's not rude, but if he is, he won't be the first.

That's what I know, so far. Others may disagree, but this is the truth as far as I can tell. Hope it helps.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for peace in knowledge of one another.

Male friendships versus female friendships.

I am not strictly speaking about how men and women conduct friendships differently in this post, nor am I going to say one is better than the other. This post is about how my own friendships with men and conversely with women are different.

I suppose I must say I have the rare pleasure of having an even amount of male and female friends. How this happened, I suppose I don't rightly know, but I really enjoy and appreciate it.

Having said this, I notice that the way I am friends with men versus with women is a lot different. The first thing that comes to mind is that I can be a lot more sentimental with my female friends. Women really appreciate the memories and the bonds of friendships much more than my male friends. For instance, when I smile and say "You're a really great friend, Jane," she is likely to think of fond memories of our friendship and, hopefully, agree that we have had a beautiful friendship. However, when I say "You're a really great friend, John," John is much more likely to think I'm being pretty obvious (assuming we are good friends) and just trying to be nice and complimentary.

My male friends are much better than my female friends at making a highly intellectual conversation. That is by no means to say my female friends are stupid! What I mean is that our conversations are much more intellectually appealing and centered on experiences we share and conclusions about such things, and our own thoughts and opinions.

My female friends can do much the same way with me, however, it is much more emotionally appealing. We might talk just as the men about experiences and conclusions, but the result is more about solutions and comfort in having experienced that. The sharing of the experience is almost an end in itself, instead of the formation of opinions as is more common with my fellow males.

I have someone that I can go to for just about anything. That is not to say my friends are only good for utility, but I want to express how fortunate I am.

Thank you friends!

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for the blessing of friends.

Beyond thought and time.

My favorite season is spring...and I'm really starting to miss it.

Winter is nice during Christmas, but now it's starting to really be gray and dreary. My car keeps getting stuck, and although I'm decent enough at getting it out (sometimes with help) it doesn't help that Winter is just plain depressing in January and February. Stark contrast to jolly December.

I find I am much more relaxed talking to girls now. I like being friends with members of both sexes, but whenever I would develop a friendship with a woman, I was always worried that I would send a wrong message, or that people would see me as "prospecting" them. Now that I have a girlfriend I don't have to worry about that as much because women will know I'm not interested in them in that way.

It was in talking with one of these good girl friends that I realized how much I missed the spring time. My friend had not gone on Alternative Spring Break before, a service program held over Spring Break, and I emphatically stated that she had no idea what she was missing.

I remember it now. Campfires, mud fights, liturgy of the hours and mass as a community, making dinner and having conversation with everyone, meeting new people, writing poetry on a mountain top, hiking, the world around you just being so big and beautiful...watching the stars revolve around the globe of the sky! What a beautiful world you can see if you can just reach beyond thought and time. Eastern Kentucky is just one of those places. It also happens to be one of the poorest...

...Poorest in the monetary sense, at least. I found that it was rich in love and beauty. Perhaps that's just me.

Last spring was one of the biggest periods of spiritual growth I had, and due in no small part to my new outlook on the world. I really attribute a lot of my spiritual growth to ASB and spring. The structure of ASB and the beauty of God's creation unfolding before me really helped me to feel God's love and to yearn to grow closer to him. Right now, Winter is just really being a drag. Don't get me wrong, my love for God doesn't change with the seasons, it just makes it much harder. And the stark visibility of God that I could see in my friends and in His creation made it very easy.

I can't wait to go back.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for eternal springtime of the mind.

Bipolar? And other questions...

So, I think I'm bipolar.

I have proof. How many people do you know go from in tears all day one day and the next, feel completely fine? Every time I go through these phases of depression and happiness I notice something: I can't understand why I was in the other state.

When I'm depressed, I am completely convince that I have no reason to be happy. My mind is completely focused on misery, and I can't feel happy. When people are nice to me, I don't know how to respond. I can't motivate myself to do anything. I am convinced I'm worthless.

When I'm happy, like I am now, I can't understand why I was ever down. The problems I was upset about seem distant...like a dream, or like it was long ago, or happening to someone else. I love everyone. I find joy in the tiniest of things...I have a good self-esteem, I feel invincible.

It's like I'm two separate people. I don't get it.

I also think I might be done discerning the priesthood. I'm not 100% sure yet, but for a while I've been rolling the question around in my head...since last summer, actually. What is God calling me to? Marriage or Priesthood? Or something else? Well, the original reason for discerning wasn't a really good one, in my opinion. The sheer multitude of rejections by women I liked made me feel like it could be a clear message that I'm not supposed to be married - since there are really no coincidences.

Now I feel different. I have felt for a long time a great desire to give of myself to a woman, for life. That's not really a priest thing...and it's not going away, even in the face of prayers about being a priest and the continued "bad luck" with women. I think the whole women issue might be a nice post for another time, though.

The other question I'm faced with (throughout the day, in prayer, etc.) is what I'm doing after I graduate from college. I'm an English major with a Journalism minor. There is a possibility I can get a job, but I feel called to stay where I am. Work for my church as a minister. Since I wasted so much of my college life on stupid things, I feel like it would be poetic justice for me to stay here for the same amount of time I wasted: doing it right this time. But that's also a long story for another entry.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that there could be balance and certainty.