The Count.

"My kingdom is bounded only by the world, for I am neither an Italian, nor a Frenchman, nor a Hindu, nor an American, nor a Spaniard - I am a cosmopolite. No country can say it saw my birth. God alone knows what country will see me die. I adopt all customs, speak all languages. You believe me to be a Frenchman, for I speak French with the same facility and purity as yourself. Well, Ali, my Nubian, believes me to be an Arab; Bertuccio, my steward, takes me for a Roman; Haydée, my slave, thinks me a Greek."

I am re-reading the Count of Monte Cristo. Beautiful book, well written. One thing really stuck out to me - the game that the characters play in the story is really remarkable. It seems to me like high society back in the 19th century and earlier did nothing but try to flatter and attract one another, trying to usurp from one another a higher "position" in the social hierarchy, through negotiating intermarriages between powerful families, and acquiring wealth, and friendships. Fascinating!

As a person who generally likes everyone, I, too, play this game. But I don't do it to gain anything or to achieve some selfish purpose. I just want to get to know lots and lots of people, and make lots and lots of friends.

Like the quote at the beginning, said by the Count of Monte Cristo, I try to fit into whatever group I find myself. Perhaps I flatter myself, but I think I'm quite good at it. I do not lie or put on a mask, but I present a side of me that I think least likely to annoy or repel people I want to know. Well...at least until I get too excited. Then that's anyone's guess.

It is interesting trying to become a part of a new group and acquire as many friends as I possibly can. I love getting to know people. When I meet someone, I want to know everything about them. Well...maybe not everyone I meet, but most!

My only concern is that my curiosity will get me into trouble. I admit that in the past it's gotten me closer to people, most of them of the opposite sex, than I intended. The "get to know you" game is seen as played between potential lovers, not potential friends. I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past.

It can be seen in my present group of friends that there is a much more reserved nature to them than I am accustomed to. What I have considered innocent acts have nearly sent the wrong message to people.

Fortunately, I am much more cautious than I once was. Being new here, I don't yet have much of a reputation, and I want it to be a good one. I don't need to cause a lot of heartache and rock the boat again. I am having fun, and I'm getting to know new people all the time. I kinda just want to continue on and take whatever comes my way - no planning, no flirting, no destiny. Just life.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to fit into this life.

Funny in a sense.

My life is hilarious, if you have the kind of sense of humor where sad irony and odd situations are funny.

I suppose I must be going crazy, because I keep losing control of myself. Just in the past few weeks, I did a couple things I really regretted. Nothing permanent, but what I did was either a little mean or insensitive, or just entailed too much information.

I think it may be in part due to loneliness. It seems like most folks are really too busy to hang around with me, which is sad. When I'm really interested in people, they tend to fall off the face of the earth. That's not to say that every once in a while I get to spend good time with people who never fall off the face of the earth, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

Loneliness sends me into psychosis. Nothing else will drive me more crazy than not being able to talk to people. But it seems like a lot of the time when I talk to people, they don't really seem interested in what I have to say...or for some reason, I clam up and don't talk. Sometimes I feel as though I shouldn't...that listening is more valuable for me than talking and I just better accept it. It may have something to do with being told I share too much a few weeks ago by someone whose opinions I value greatly. At the time it hurt...but later, I wondered.

I'm very tired of women. I admire women greatly, but it seems as though I just have too many lady friends right now. Women are confusing sometimes - Men are blunt and simple, but women are into nuance and ambiguity, it seems. I admit that I can be ambiguous too...often, even...but that doesn't mean I like it.

Yet like a double-edged sword, I don't really have lots of guys to be friends with, and I can't have the same kind of friendship with a guy as I enjoy with the ladies around here. It's hard to describe, but while I have more in common with most guys, I relate better with women. Hmm.

Still, if I were to share everything going on in my life on this blog, it would be too much information and too much conjecture. I am a counselor - I notice things concerning people others miss. Sometimes I don't like it.

Sometimes, I just want to be ignorant of it all.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for a sense of sensibility.