Monday, March 16, 2015

On being an adult.

I haven't posted in a while because I haven't had anything to post about.

This blog is something I started when I was much younger than I am now, and I have tried to post at least once a month for a very long time. These days, I find that I no longer really need it as an outlet - once upon a time it was very important for me to write about my feelings.

These days I just don't have that many feelings.

I do not mean that I don't have any feelings. I am very precise with my language. I mean that I don't have that many compared to how I used to be. Most days I get through a day going through no more than two or three feelings, none of them very strong.

I like it this way.

But every once in a while, something still gets to me. Today, something got to me.

I did not know that when I finally chose a career, that there would be so many people in this world who feel free to be awful to me. I am not so naive as to think that NO ONE would, but the sheer amount of people who step all over others is very discouraging. I am generally inclined to see people as more alike to me than not, but I have to admit that sometimes people just seem generally awful.

As a counselor, day in and day out I am doing nothing but showing kindness to people, many of whom are not able or willing to be kind back. In fact, sometimes that is almost all I do. At the end of the day, a lot of the time I feel pretty entitled to have people at least let me be in peace. But in taking care of money, insurance, licensure, other adult just never seems to stop. It is almost like no one else tries to help me as much as I help others.

What is even more discouraging is that even at work, nothing I do ever seems good enough for my employer. I could have just gotten done with my magnum opus of counseling sessions, putting in all the energy I possibly could, only to open a scathing email from my employer concerning an overdue diagnostic assessment that I have had no time for due to trying to actually meet with as many clients as I can due to the demands of my employer! I am so ready to leave my job, but after examining other places I am realizing that they are all the same. Sometimes I consider leaving my job to work in a department store, simply because it seems so much better than being nice to people all day with little to no appreciation - but plenty of criticism over my paperwork.

I have no doubt in my mind that I am doing the best I can with my life right now, but it is just not enough. Is this all I went through school for, worked for, lived 26 years for?

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to quit being an adult.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

On Memory.

There are a lot of things I wish I could forget.

In that I'm not alone, I imagine. I'm sure a lot of people would say that they wish they could forget X or Y. But what is unusual in my case is that sometimes, only when I'm in a bad mood, I want to forget many of the good things I've experienced in life.

Occasionally I will look people up on the internet that I used to know. Just to see if they're alive, see if they look happy. I would sincerely like to know if joy always comes with the missing afterwards. I wonder if I can ever love someone without eventually having to face the reality that I will never see or talk to them again.

It can make you question whether it is worth meeting people at all.

These days, most of my friendships I have to admit are not very intense, intimate friendships. I might even say that I don't have very many friends anymore at all. It is a lot different than my life, say, a year or so ago. I am starting to become a very solitary creature. For some reason, I don't feel bad about this at all.

But every once in a while it makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Because I used to have such close relationships with other people that I could never imagine living without them. But here I am. I have no friends now that I don't think I could live without.

Is there no golden mean here? Will I always have to have intense feelings toward other people to have good relationships with them? Because I'm all out of intense feelings these days.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to forget.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

An apathetic friend.

The further away I get from college life, the less I care about it.

It used to be that I was really broken up about the end of my life as a college student, and how much I missed the lifestyle and the friendships, but these days I am finding that more and more I do not miss it and do not care if my old friends have anything to say to me. That does not trouble me because I wish it were different, it troubles me because it is so opposed to everything I thought about myself.

It used to be that I firmly believed that all friendships could and should last forever, and that only a faithless friend says goodbye after life changes. But now, I am finding that the longer ago it is since I called someone, the more I think about just never calling them again. Friends whom I shared life with and thought warmly of, friends that I felt so much love for, and now...I just don't care.

Have I become a selfish person? Have I just become comfortable with my daily routine, apathetic toward the lives of others? Does this have something to do with becoming a counselor? I do not know.

Maybe I have just become like everyone else...perhaps this is how most people feel about friendships, and all along it was I who was missing out, not understanding why other people don't care about me - perhaps they did care, but were apathetic about showing it. I wish I knew.

It's been over a year since I left college, and it's been a good half a year since I made regular efforts to reach out to friends from my old life. More and more, I find that now that in my new life, I also don't care as much about being friends with people. They can reach out to me or leave me alone...I am apathetic. This troubles me.

I am afraid that my personality is changing, and I'm not sure if it's for the best.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to care forever.