On fantasies.

If my supervisor is right, Disney and Nicholas Sparks have a lot to answer for.

I think my problem is that I expect so much from the world...perhaps things that don't even really exist. I've opened up to this guy a lot - my supervisor that is - about how I think things should be. He laughed at me, and maybe he was right to do so. I suppose the world and life and fun and love are not what they had been built up to be my whole life.

I never thought that I had actually picked up fantasies from movies and books, but reflecting on my expectations of what life could be like...should be like, depending on my mood...I know that these things are at least much more common in fairy tales.

Regardless, letting go of the expectation that someday I might have something great of my own feels like giving up, and this always seems less desirable than holding on to the hope that maybe someday things will be different.

By all accounts, right now things aren't really so bad. Yes, my job is incredibly stressful and there are certain people in my life that could be considered to owe me a little more support. But I really do have all I need. My problem is that I want so much. I can't even rebuke myself for it, because all the things I want are good.

I wonder what God would say to this. I pray but I never feel closer to an answer. But I get all the answers I like from songs like "1,2,3,4" and "Kiss Me" which is of course sappy, ridiculous, and probably too embarrassing to mention unless it were very true - which it is.

I keep thinking that all I need is a little time to recover or regroup, mature a little more, learn some lessons, and then I can try again and hope things will be different. But because of the pattern I always end up in, I have to wonder if maybe I'm crazy. The only thing that remains consistent is me, and whenever there is a situation like that it calls for some reflections.

Like this one.

If I'm not crazy, then perhaps I'm trying to live in a fantasy world that doesn't exist. And if so, if I ever want to be happy I need to stop.

But I just don't want to. So I guess I'll just have to continue getting browbeat by life until I do.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for dreams to be real.

I don't believe in bucket lists.

Why make a list of all the things you want to do before you die?

Life is a little bit of what we do and a lot bit of what comes our way. It is my firm belief that most of our circumstances are beyond our control - it is a matter of how we choose to deal with them that makes us who we are.

It seems like the object of a bucket list is to think of cool things one would like to do - but how many people consider that they may be picking the wrong things?

Consider the things that you've done that you were sure you would enjoy, and turned out to be really bad ideas. Think of all the things you never thought you would enjoy that you somehow ended up doing and liking a great deal.

Life is a lot like that. Before you die, if you are open to experience, you will probably end up doing a lot of things that you could never foresee. However, if you are constantly chasing after items on a bucket list for the controlled thrill, you'll probably miss out.

Allow me to explain. If you live with the mindset that the most exciting and interesting things you do with your life are the ones you plan yourself, you're going to end up missing out on a lot of unplanned things that really make life worth living. Jumping out of an airplane or climbing a mountain is nice, yes...but those things are nothing compared to a long conversation late at night spent underneath a starry sky, unplanned, unexpected, and totally life-giving. Making bucket lists doesn't exclude these things, but consider how popular they are compared to how popular doing anything other than watching a movie/TV or drinking on a Saturday night is.

Be more impulse driven - give in to the spur of the moment fun decision. This is not an invitation to make bad decisions based on anger or lust - what I mean is, don't let something like social norms or some kind of fear or anxiety keep you from doing something good and wholesome and life-giving. Life is much more full of regrets for things you never did than things you did do.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for spontaneity.

Male friendships versus female friendships.

I am not strictly speaking about how men and women conduct friendships differently in this post, nor am I going to say one is better than the other. This post is about how my own friendships with men and conversely with women are different.

I suppose I must say I have the rare pleasure of having an even amount of male and female friends. How this happened, I suppose I don't rightly know, but I really enjoy and appreciate it.

Having said this, I notice that the way I am friends with men versus with women is a lot different. The first thing that comes to mind is that I can be a lot more sentimental with my female friends. Women really appreciate the memories and the bonds of friendships much more than my male friends. For instance, when I smile and say "You're a really great friend, Jane," she is likely to think of fond memories of our friendship and, hopefully, agree that we have had a beautiful friendship. However, when I say "You're a really great friend, John," John is much more likely to think I'm being pretty obvious (assuming we are good friends) and just trying to be nice and complimentary.

My male friends are much better than my female friends at making a highly intellectual conversation. That is by no means to say my female friends are stupid! What I mean is that our conversations are much more intellectually appealing and centered on experiences we share and conclusions about such things, and our own thoughts and opinions.

My female friends can do much the same way with me, however, it is much more emotionally appealing. We might talk just as the men about experiences and conclusions, but the result is more about solutions and comfort in having experienced that. The sharing of the experience is almost an end in itself, instead of the formation of opinions as is more common with my fellow males.

I have someone that I can go to for just about anything. That is not to say my friends are only good for utility, but I want to express how fortunate I am.

Thank you friends!

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for the blessing of friends.