Flock of birds.

"A flock of birds hovering above
A flock of birds
That's how you think of love

And I always
Look up to the sky
Pray before the dawn
Cause they fly always
Sometimes they arrive
Sometimes they are gone
They fly on"

A reminiscence: Once upon a time, I believed in romance. Some day soon, I may again.

Unfortunately, I believe that my lofty ideas of romance, held what feels like a long time ago contained a great amount of naïveté and a lack of rational and practical thought.

I suppose these days I am wondering how far off of the mark I really was. The closest I ever got to marriage was when I was still exactly as I describe: romantic and naïve. I have met someone who reminds me of these times long ago, and I have to wonder if it is I who have the wrong idea and she the one who really knows what's going on, even while I question what she really understands of how things are supposed to work, and what she needs and thinks she wants.

I suppose all I can do is pray and wait and find out, but it would help if I understood how much of my transformation the past three years or so was due to bitterness and a cold reaction to hurt. I am feeling things awaken in me that I left a long time ago, and I know that this makes me uncomfortable, and even angry with myself...a sort of "how easily you unlearn" sort of anger.

I don't want to be headed nowhere in the world of love, and I don't want to think that I haven't found something real, good, and substantial...but I don't want to be stupid, either. I hope that by taking time to really examine my feelings, motivations, and my rational mind, I can prevent making old mistakes.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for love to be more than a flock of birds.

On fantasies.

If my supervisor is right, Disney and Nicholas Sparks have a lot to answer for.

I think my problem is that I expect so much from the world...perhaps things that don't even really exist. I've opened up to this guy a lot - my supervisor that is - about how I think things should be. He laughed at me, and maybe he was right to do so. I suppose the world and life and fun and love are not what they had been built up to be my whole life.

I never thought that I had actually picked up fantasies from movies and books, but reflecting on my expectations of what life could be like...should be like, depending on my mood...I know that these things are at least much more common in fairy tales.

Regardless, letting go of the expectation that someday I might have something great of my own feels like giving up, and this always seems less desirable than holding on to the hope that maybe someday things will be different.

By all accounts, right now things aren't really so bad. Yes, my job is incredibly stressful and there are certain people in my life that could be considered to owe me a little more support. But I really do have all I need. My problem is that I want so much. I can't even rebuke myself for it, because all the things I want are good.

I wonder what God would say to this. I pray but I never feel closer to an answer. But I get all the answers I like from songs like "1,2,3,4" and "Kiss Me" which is of course sappy, ridiculous, and probably too embarrassing to mention unless it were very true - which it is.

I keep thinking that all I need is a little time to recover or regroup, mature a little more, learn some lessons, and then I can try again and hope things will be different. But because of the pattern I always end up in, I have to wonder if maybe I'm crazy. The only thing that remains consistent is me, and whenever there is a situation like that it calls for some reflections.

Like this one.

If I'm not crazy, then perhaps I'm trying to live in a fantasy world that doesn't exist. And if so, if I ever want to be happy I need to stop.

But I just don't want to. So I guess I'll just have to continue getting browbeat by life until I do.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for dreams to be real.

Intuiting success.

I wish that I could do whatever I wanted. Or, rather, I don't, depending on your point of view.

My last post was a hopeful one, and I sincerely meant everything I said. But I am realizing that in order to do something, I must really believe in it.

I am able to recognize the solutions to my problem. I could solve all my problems today, if I really wanted to. But I don't want to be the kind of person who would solve their problems that way. I don't want to be someone who settles, I don't want to be someone who hordes attention and scares people into caring about me, I don't want to spend time with people pretending I have one intention when really I have another. I'm not going to trade my only virtues for vices, even if they promise to make me happy. I won't do it.

That's not the only problem, though. As long as it's not mechanical, I am able to recognize when something will work and when it will not work. I can take a lot of chances, but I hesitate to make ones that I know with very little doubt are not good ones. I am, perhaps, too sure of my own intuitions. But so far, every time I've really had a hard time were all the times I ignored my intuition. I'm not about to do it now, even if it will temporarily bring some joy to my life.

For now, though, I am doing something. I need new friends, more friends. I am trying to reach out to new people in the hopes that I will meet others like me, who love their friends in the way that I need to be loved. I can't hang out with the same people all the time and expect them to just learn how to conduct their friendships the way that I do. It's never worked.

It's good to be doing something. I just hope it works.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for an intuition of success.

Requiem for a wedding.

I wonder why people make wedding receptions feel like a goodbye party.

I recently attended one for a dear, dear friend. Let me tell you about this friend. She was someone who, against all odds and reason, became my friend and was there for me during a difficult time in my life. Almost every day of last summer, she loved me as if I were her brother and helped me when I needed it the most. And I think I’ll probably never have that with her again. Things always change when people get married, which was all I could think about while I was at her wedding reception, and she was as beautiful and jovial and alive as always. Her story goes on without me. Exeunt: I have left her tale as a character, probably forever. Although I know we will probably speak again, it won’t be like it was in my last summer in the college town I loved…sitting there listening to her, and having her listen to me.

Sometimes when I wonder why it feels like the universe has conspired to make me exactly the strange person that I am, and destiny conspired to bring me to the people and places I needed to be at, that I was chosen for a role in people’s lives that brings so many mixed feelings. I met someone recently who sympathized with me on the feeling that our lives are not our own, but for her it was a joyful, pleasant thing. I would have to say that reading this blog would deceive my readers into believing that it is not so with me. I said mixed feelings: this is true. It was a joy to meet my friend, as it is a joy to have helped her in her times of struggle, and to have her in return help me last summer…all because of chance, it would seem. But the 'saying goodbye' is as painful as the 'getting to know' is joyful. I always lose as much as I gain. And that’s when I write about it. Because, what else is there to do? You can’t go back in time. So I immortalize my memory in type.

I do know that it is not truly destiny, chance, or the universe, but God that has done these wonderful things to me and through me. But as much as I wish it did, this has never brought me much comfort. Even when I sit in silence over the thought that God loves me and that my day will come, it never quite overcomes the feeling that the sort of happy ending I see at weddings is not for me, never for me. I darkle, I tinct, the Man in Black from the Dark Tower would say. It just doesn’t seem to “fit” the theme of my story. My life is about moving, growing, building an empire of love and friendship, watching it topple, and then building it all over again. Perseverance, not permanence; truth, not trust; cynicism, and not certainty.

But, of course, I still want it. Why not? It’s what I do. It’s all I do.

And so I go on as I always do, and I always make the choices that seem like they are the only choices…and when things go well, they go well. When things don’t go well, all I can ask is “what else was I supposed to do?” And there is never a reply.

For now though, I am happy. I am tired and happy, and I could not ask for better than that.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for a change in theme.

A Life for the Other.

The happiest times of my life have always been the times I was living for others.

I don’t mean that others were the only things I was living for…there have always been reasons to live even if there wasn’t any real love of life to speak of. What I mean is that I have been happiest when I was wanted and “needed” by others. The times when I knew that certain people would notice if I weren’t there – that they would miss me while I was gone.

I know that people say they miss me. But few show it. I never feel missed unless someone shows it. It is not enough for me – or maybe not for anyone – to say “I miss you.” If you miss someone, do you reach out for them? Invite them back into your life? No? Then you do not really miss them.

Right now I feel as though I am really only living for myself. I am not necessary. When I get money, I spend it on myself. I have no one else to spend it on. When I have time, I spend it for myself. I have no one else to spend time on. Even when I’m with other people, I am not necessary for the party. It would go on if I were not there. I once thought it would be enough to simply be invited out by a friend once in a while. Now I know that is not true – it only hurt to be left out. What is really desired by me is to know that I am wanted by a person for who I am.

I know that I am at least liked by others (if not wanted), but I do not think they know who I am. I know they think they know, but what they know of me is really a shadow of my real self – or a caricature. They fill in for what they do not know. To really know me, someone has to ask about the things that I think and feel and attempt to understand. And who does that? Whether because of habit or the intimidating task of the act, no one I know right now really does.

Does this mean I want romance? I do not know. This one thing is what makes me doubt my intentional avoidance of any relationships. For on the one hand, I know that I feel some acute stress every time I think about dating, and feel disgusted every time I imagine myself dating anyone anymore, but on the other, I know I want to be loved just like anyone else. I don’t want to lie in wait for love to fall on me, as if love is crammed behind a closet door, waiting for someone to open it so it can tumble all over. That’s not the way it works. But I can’t bring myself to care enough to change anything.

What I do know is what I always know – how I feel. And right now I can handle this feeling just fine. It’s unpleasant, like a dull ache that an aspirin can’t cure, but tolerable. But whether by choice, or chance, or the long decay of time I know that will change. And I know that I am stubborn enough to hold to suffering rather than let go of bitterness.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream of loving loneliness.

Continuity of life.

I've been contemplating something lately.

I've been very happy here in my new home. There are easily multiple reasons for this: financial security, routine, the dignity of work, new friends, the excitement of relearning how to live and have fun. And I do have lots of fun.

But I think there has been a hidden reason, one that came to me after conversations with two friends. Both of them are old friends, both of them I enjoy talking to, but the difference between them is that after talking to one, I feel happy, and after the other, I feel sad. I think neither of them read this blog, which is why I feel safe saying this. But I talk to a lot of people...maybe they'll not know for sure who I mean.

Regardless, because of my history with one of them I always reminisce about what passed between us...and with the other, I reminisce because that is our relationship and what we talk about. The combination made me think about how life had gotten where it is now. I realized not only that I was not yet over what happened between my friend and I, but that I had forgotten about it for a time while I've been here. In fact, I've started to think of my life here as a new life, and not a continuation of the old. I broke the continuity in my mind, and so the painful, hurtful past felt like it never happened.

But I can't forget the mistakes and the silly things I've chosen to do in pursuing what I saw as my future. The future was never mine to choose even with all my effort - God had already picked one out for me that I clearly love. So be it. How do I keep this future bright?

I had already chosen to fast from dating for a time, likely several months, before I moved here. Recently I've added the decision that my new attitude towards dating is that I would avoid it altogether even after the fast is over. Since this future I'm living happened to me through God forcing it on me, and all of my failures were due to my efforts to prevent a future God planned for me, why not apply this to dating, and avoid women altogether? Whomever I am meant to be with will be thrust upon me whether I like it or not, and I can save myself the pain I put myself through over and over again.

Still, it's not a comfortable way to do things. I wonder if I've gone too far. I wonder a great many things. And this wonder has reduced me to silence the past few days. Thinking about this, thinking about my old life and my new life, and how it is really one life and I'm the same fool I've always been. I made my new friends uncomfortable a few days by saying almost nothing. It's eye-opening to discover by their discomfort how much I actually talk in a group of people when I am struck silent by my thoughts.

I wonder if I'll ever really figure out the grand scheme of this life, and how to get where I'm going.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to contemplate the stream of this life.

On being foolish.

There's nothing like making the same mistake twice to humble you. And making the same mistake multiple times...

I am grateful this morning for the lack of nightmares. That much, at least, is different from the last time something very similar to this happened. I had nightmares for a long time. Since then, I have more or less made mistakes of a lesser extent, but similar manner, and now I have once again committed a huge blunder of the magnitude of...well, before I started writing this blog.

I have told myself in the past that I have learned a lot since I began this blog, but it seems I have not learned nearly as much as I supposed.

Like, for instance, that the more you tighten your grip on something hoped for the more quickly and easily it slips through your fingers. Like how to take people at their word rather than fantasizing about what they really mean. That last one is a surprise. That was something I was proud of knowing...or "knowing." It seems I don't really know it at all.

There is this much, at least: I know now that my problems really have been all my fault for a very long time. I hope I do not soon forget how foolish I have really been all this time. No, my ignorance is bared forth so powerfully today that I can no longer deny it. I am powerless against my own desire for love and affection, and it is destroying my ability to have it. No one...no one wants to love a person who needs it. I do not speak here of the friendship love, or the love of affection, or the love of a Christian to his neighbor. I speak of the love of self-gift. It is precisely because someone does not need us, in this kind of love, that we wish to give ourselves completely to them.

The problem is I don't know what to do. I have done many different things now, and I have had a great share of hope in things to come, and now again while I was trying to rectify my mistakes I incidentally made them again.

My foolishness will not be coming to an end anytime soon. I can only stumble around in the dark, hoping that somehow I finally find the light switch and turn it on so I can finally get out.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for an end to my foolishness.

Rise or fall.

"Aragorn, Arathorn's son, Lord of the Dunedain, listen to me! A great doom awaits you, either to rise above the height of all your fathers since the days of Elendil, or to fall into darkness with all that is left of your kin."

I like going to counseling. It helps to talk to someone who is completely outside of your life to hear everything you can say about it and help you work through the issues that present/have presented themselves.

Soon, though, it appears as I will be done with my current counselor. We've both kind of recognized that I've reached my limit of things to bring to the table. I concluded our last session by telling him that I recognize that whatever happens to me now, I recognize that I will either adjust to it or not adjust to it...and that I always adjust.

That's a nice thought. It's good to be able to say with complete honesty that I always adjust to my problems after a while...sometimes it takes a long while but it always happens.

I think since I started counseling I've made some good adjustments. I am no longer as prone to expecting people to respond the way I believe they ought to my gestures of love and friendship. I've learned to strike a balance between how much I give to friendships and how much I let them go. I've learned to cut toxic people out of my life instead of letting them fester in my wounds.

I also accept that there is still hope. There are still really good people in this world, and I'm still meeting them. Sure, I've lost and let go of relationships that were beautiful, and found out that some people were not as wonderful as I once thought, but in the end that's OK. As long as I am being a good person and treating people how I wish they would treat me, there will be people attracted to that. The people who are just fair weather friends and are not willing to be my friend even when I'm not all that fun to be around will fade away. The lovers will remain.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to rise above all of the problems of the old days.

All that I am.

The only way to be great, is to be a part of something great.

The real tragedy of selfishness, I think, is not that it results in too much goodness for the self but too little. In the grand scheme of things, one person's effort is very little. I have learned through trial and error that everything I do for myself always comes up short. That's why after my last post, I actually changed my mind. Being a part of something greater is worth more than the sum of all of the personal reasons I had.

When I put forth effort to make myself great, all I ever really do is just attempt to feed a desire that can't be fed by myself. It is only when what meager gifts I have to offer are given in love to others that I am actually able to spread myself out into something greater. While I alone am small, together, many people are something great. And by being a part of that, I am great, too.

That is what makes life so grand. That is why God demands so much of us. In the end, the love we give is the love we receive. When I make someone else smile in whatever way I can, I also feel loved. Even when I am very upset and feel like life has been really unfair to me, if I can still make myself small and put others forth, all of that is erased. I diminish, and so do my worries. Others joys can become mine.

This is my only true pleasure in life, which is why I am dedicating it to the pursuit of healing and happiness in other people (my career). I only regret that it really took me so long to realize that the problem was not that others weren't doing enough for me, but I wasn't doing enough for others. In fact, it could never be enough.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to give over myself.

The Hardest Part.

And the hardest part was letting go, not taking part...Was the hardest part...

http://youtu.be/6Dod1zQuleM

Every once in a while, I'll find a song that I really like. It just...fits. It makes sense for me to play this song and like it. This is that song.

I do not like writing posts like this. I know that people perceive writing like this as passive-aggressive and overly emotional. Too much information. It helps me to have an easily accessible chronicle of thoughts throughout the years. That is enough reason for me to indulge myself. I don't expect people to understand, least of all those closest to me - family, friends, etc. That said, I will move on.

This song for me is about futility. In the past half year I have felt defeated. The hardest part about about it is  having to let go. I always want to be more like Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z. "NO! I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!" But it's easier when all you need to do is train and get stronger and then try to punch the bad guy again. This is different.

My last post chronicles my feelings about people well enough for one to understand the importance of family, friends, and even acquaintances to me. This post is more about the effects of the futility in trying to achieve some sense of sentiment among those I know.

It seems more often than not my relations to other people involves more letting go of rather than taking part in their lives. Often I feel this is the hardest part of my life...as goes the song. I just have to swallow my pride, swallow my anger/sadness (I could feel it go down...bittersweet I could taste in my mouth).

It is utterly futile for me...always...in trying to have some semblance of constant support in my life. But I have no choice but to accept it. Life has to go on. If it is true that in a year, I will move far away and no longer have any friends, so be it. I had a dating relationship and that failed. I tried to have another and that is failing and will fail again, I'm sure. I am beaten. It is useless (Oh and I, I wish that I could work it out). Just the utter uselessness of all my efforts to change the way my relationships go. Nothing ever changes. That's the hardest part.

But I know that there really is no changing other people. I harp on this time and again: no one owes me anything. If people don't want to believe that their surface level understanding of their friends is not enough, then nothing I can say or do will change that (Everything I do, it just comes undone). If people would much rather be out of my company than reciprocate my friendship, then they will have that (You really broke my heart). I'm tired of begging people to be my friend anyway. Watching as they live their perfectly happy lives without me in it. That is their right and I have no reason to be offended. But yet I am, and I hate it.

It's just God and me. Always (You're silver lining the clouds). But "it is not good for man to be alone." I have real friends, it is true...but they are so few. Most of the time it is just a matter of waiting until the next time I may see them again.

Now, my only motivation in continuing thus is to simply be the kind of person who does the things I do. I go to mass because I want to be the kind of person who goes to mass, not because I want to. I go to class and do my schoolwork because I want to be the kind of person who works even though they don't feel like it. I continue to (try) being charitable and loving to people I am angry at because I want to be the kind of person who is charitable and loving to people he feels have done him wrong. Nothing I do...do I do it because I feel it will actually change my circumstances (I wonder what it's all about).

There it is. I know this is probably a bad idea to put this on the Internet but I just don't care. I am doing what I want to do.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for an easy part.

The characters in your story.

There is very little that makes me angry anymore, but if there is one thing I can count among those things it is ignorance of this fact: you are not just you.

Allow me to explain. Your soul is unique. There is no one else in the world, nor will there ever be, nor has there ever been, anyone just like you. I imagine everyone is on board with this at this point, and there's nothing new. But this is true about everyone else. And God has put the people you know in your life for a reason. Nothing is simply circumstance because everything's existence is contingent on God's benevolent, omniscient, and omnipotent being.

There are people in your life right now - unique, irreplaceable, unrepeatable people - that you will never be able to fully understand and fully grasp in your life. I don't care how boring, uninteresting, strange, ugly, etc. you think someone is, they are a universe of possibilities. Everyone you know is fantastically complex and full of potential. That is why abortion is such a plague: it ends people's lives before this potential can be unleashed. Your neighbors are not just your neighbors just as you are not just you. Your neighbors are potential lifesavers, friends, best friends, enemies/difficult people, teachers, mentors, and if they are of the opposite sex, potential spouses.

This is what makes me so angry: potential wasted. Other's lives gone unconsidered. How many people go through a day without considering the characters in their lives? Your life is a story. God is a storyteller and he made you...you have a unique life to live and you're living it whether you like it or not. Don't you ever look around at the characters in your story and realize that these people are in your life for a specific purpose and to fulfill a specific role? I know many who don't. Or at least, they really don't seem to. Everyone you meet is not just a person you have met. They are not just what you think they are. Everyone you meet is potentially the person that will change your life. If you write them off as "just a friend" or "just my sibling" or "just my teacher" or "just somebody" you have closed a door to infinite possibilities.

Nothing makes me so angry as a person set in their ways about the people in their lives. Someone who just knows who somebody is. Here's an easy example for someone my age and I hope I'll be forgiven the cliche quality of it: unrequited love. I'm only speaking of the type where a friend of the opposite sex denies another friend because they're friends. It's like saying "I'm sorry, we can't be friends because we're neighbors." It makes no sense.

That's why I think really hard about who is in my life. I want to know about them, who they are, who they want to be, what they think. I know I suck at it. I know sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes I make mistakes. But damn it, I try! I try so hard. And I know I can never learn enough about these people I know. I can't figure out how I feel about all of them or what I really ought to do with them and for them. Sometimes I get tired of it, or fail some other way. But at least I'm committed to figuring it out. I can't say everyone gives me the same consideration. I know that sounds like I feel entitled. That's because I do. I feel entitled to the same consideration that I know I will probably not get. Perhaps this is probably a fault. But I know this is how I see things and I can't change that until I see how it's not true.

I'm so tired of seeing people going through their lives without asking the important questions: who am I and what am I doing? Having a job can never be as important as putting your resources to good use. Having a social life can never be as important as seeking to understand and grow with the people you know. Having a family can never be as important as building a family that revolves around love. I am a poor mouthpiece for this knowledge. But I'm willing to say it. I hope that's good enough.

Reader: who are you? To yourself? To me? What could we be? Are we willing to find out? You can count on me to have an emphatic YES to that last question!

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to explore the casting of my story.

Death, Exile, and Magus.

"At the heart of the Christian faith," says Thomas Merton, "is the conviction that, when death is accepted in a spirit of faith, and when one's life is oriented to self-giving so that at its end one gladly and freely surrenders it back into the hands of God the Creator and Redeemer, then death is transformed into a fulfillment. One conquers death by love - not by one's own heroic virtuousness, but by sharing in that love with which Christ accepted death on the Cross. This is not apparent to reason: it is, precisely, a matter of faith. But the Christian is one who believes that when he has united his life and his death with Christ's gift of himself on the Cross, he has not merely found a dogmatic answer to human problem and a set of ritual gestures which comfort and allay anxiety: he has gained access to the grace of the Holy Spirit. Therefore he lives no longer by his own forfeited and fallen existence, but by the eternal and immortal life that is given him, in the Spirit, by Christ. He lives 'in Christ.'"

This post shall talk about three things: emotional death, feelings of exile, and a character named Magus from Chrono Trigger. And even though I never plan these posts out beforehand, I'm sure I'll be able to tie it all together somehow.

First, Magus. Who is Magus? Magus is a character from my favorite video game, Chrono Trigger, a game about using time travel to save the world. If you plan to play this game on SNES, PSX,  or DS/3DS, skip the next three paragraphs. Magus' story begins in the game's "middle ages" period, wherein Magus is an evil villain bent on taking over the world. The "good guys" at this point, believe that Magus is the creator of an evil creature named Lavos, who eventually destroys the world. After a puzzling series of events, it becomes clear that Magus did not, in fact, create Lavos at all. Lavos crashed into the planet 65 million years ago. Magus was merely attempting to summon Lavos out of the ground - to kill him. Why? Revenge. However, the "good guys" foil Magus' attempt and through a bizarre accident they all end up in 15,000 B.C., a time when the "magical kingdom of Zeal" reigns over the earth. It is my personal favorite part of the game - the scenery, the music, and the dreamlike experience of the area is glorious.

Anyway, apparently, Lavos' presence on earth actually has given some humans magic powers. The Queen of Zeal, however, is bent on resurrecting Lavos to use him as a gigantic source of magical powers (which at this point in the game we have already discovered is a terrible idea). Your group follows the events as they unfold, and it is clear that Schala, the Queen's daughter, is instrumental in being used to help bring about Lavos' return (against her will), while the younger brother, Janus (whom you discover is actually Magus as a young boy), has no apparent magical ability and broods around the Kingdom, disliking his older sister's treatment. Your group, the good guys, show up and make trouble, but are foiled by a mysterious prophet. You cannot stop the resurrection of Lavos, and once it occurs, the prophet reveals himself to be Magus in disguise. However, at this point in the game Lavos is so powerful compared to all of you, including Magus/Janus, that you must make a desperate escape and actually lose one of your characters to Lavos' wrath. The young version of Magus, Janus, is sent to the middle ages, where we can easily assume he eventually became Magus. The adult Magus goes off to a remote area to think about the course of events (being a Byronic hero of sorts).

Not only did Magus live his entire life exiled almost 20,000 years beyond his birth date seeking to gain enough power to summon and destroy Lavos to revenge his sister and fail that, but when he finally gets another chance in his original time period to defeat Lavos, he is still not strong enough. He had to live through the most traumatic time in his life twice.

What does this have to do with me? Well, first of all the character of Magus strikes me as admirable in a sense. Of course, he believes the terrible means by which he gained power justified the ends of killing the evil Lavos, which would be bad enough except he also was motivated by revenge...but yet, I can't help but admire the great tenacity. The determination it would take to live one's entire life motivated by avenging his sister's (apparent) death - well, I don't know what else to say except I like that. It reminds me of my own lesser determination to follow God's will for my life, which I believe is to take part in the self-gift of married life. Right now, however, it's not going so well.

In fact, I feel like I'm reliving some of the worst parts of my life, as Magus did. It hurts, but it is a necessary hurt. I know that one cannot gain something good without sacrifice. Often times, it ends with me sacrificing my comfort in not saying something terrifying and making myself vulnerable to someone else, only to get stepped on. So be it - it will all certainly be worth my trouble, someday. At least, I have to believe so. Magus did, and he's not even real.

And so now, however, I go into an exile of sorts. I feel as though in this moment of my life, I am really bidding farewell to many of the people who have known me the best in my life. Who I have become emotionally attached to...I have to let them go. There is nothing I can do. I can only move on. That is the nature of friendship - it's not forever. It's transient. And it feels like being exiled. It hurts to feel so alone in the world. But what am I to do, except go on.

It feels like a death. Did you read the quote at the start of this post? It is all about this kind of death. I am not experiencing a literal death, however, but an emotional one. If I am to not let this conquer me, I must look at it realistically - if I have given myself as a gift to these friends who are leaving, then I should be happy to give it all back to God as they go on. I must conquer this death through my love of them.

In the words of J.R.R. Tolkien, "I am a Christian, and indeed a Roman Catholic, so that I do not expect 'history' to be anything but a 'long defeat' — though it contains (and in a legend may contain more clearly and movingly) some samples or glimpses of final victory." I believe this applies also to my life - it will be no more than a long defeat. But it will have "glimpses of final victory," in which, perhaps, I will see the fruit of my love. Perhaps in only a smile.

I know this is a long post...but thank you for reading. It always means a lot.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream of conquering death by love.

Catharsis marathon.

I'm really tired, but I need to write this before I forget again.

Catharsis...The process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions. I've been having a lot of that. Closure type stuff. Over and over and over. My life is bipolar.

Really there is a downfall to knowing lots of people. Your life becomes a little unpredictable especially where love is involved. Mostly I have learned that reciprocated feelings are rarer than unreciprocated, and there is a lot of that going on around here.

A recent rash of honesty with people lately has gotten me into trouble more than once, but at least on one occasion recently it did me a lot of good. Case in point: Something I've been touching on a bit here and there in my last few posts...what I was doing that I knew might in the end really hurt me. And I was right. I finally confessed my full intentions in a certain friendship. And in the end, it was met with an honest rejection. It was good. I handled it really well, I believe, and I'm a wiser person.

I also know that years ago, I never could have handled that situation as I did...and be able to say confidently as I type this that I am doing really well. Just trying to do the right thing and letting go of my desires in this situation helped a lot. That trust has taken a long time to build...the act of surrendering my future to the Lord, as it belongs to Him alone anyway. I know that this doesn't own me.

Catharsis.

Still, I'm tired now and I'm ready for life to be a little more boring for a while...A little less emotional, a little less tense. But that's for God to decide.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for eternal catharsis.

Riddles in the dark.

It's been a long and dangerous road these past few weeks.

Finding my own balance in the midst of the tricky social situation around me has been a challenge - one that I feel I've met well (I feel good). What do I mean? Well, I could certainly be wrong, but I feel as though there are quite a few strong emotions one way or another that people are desperately keeping to themselves.

I could be deceiving myself, but I think I have a certain people sense that helps me pick up on less obvious clues that other people miss. And, well...it seems every day I get the feeling that someone has made a slight change in behavior. Sometimes it's something that I'm certain has no significance other than an "off day"...other times, people are just acting plain ODD.

The surest sign that "something is up" with someone is to simply look for a change in behavior that can't be explained away and is persistent. This sort of combination of inductive and deductive reasoning from observing my friends has served me well...just the other day a friend told me I have a habit of being able to tell how he feels even if he's trying to hide it.

So, where is this going, you might ask? I shall tell you. I think it has something to do with the fact that there are very few single men around here, that there are a LOT of single women, and with the fact that there have been a lot of romantic engagements. And the fact that most of my friends these days are girls (I didn't do that on purpose, it just kind of happened). It's just a proposition, I don't really know anything for sure, but from what I do know of how people have been acting, well...I really can't explain such odd behavior away, and this is how the puzzle pieces seem to fit...to me.

Don't worry, I shan't let it go to my head. After all, I really feel like there's only one girl I know who knows the real me, and she's basically next in line to get engaged. Fat chance there. So if I'm right, all it means is that there are a lot of girls who are infatuated with someone who technically doesn't exist (not me).

Like I've said before, I'm really fine where I am. Maybe I'll want to move on and date someday soon, but certainly not for a while. So what is someone like me to do? Hide. HIDE! Or not...after all, that would be acting on a guess. They're just riddles in the dark, and so perhaps I should simply continue acting like I don't know anything...because I really don't.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for truth in the light.

Addicted to Love.

I ought to go to sleep, but there's something that's bothering me.

In this community I live in, I feel that because of our communal formation in living the divine life there shouldn't be people around here who act in ways that they ought to know better. However, that is not so.

In the same way that all people hate to see others making their own past mistakes, I get frustrated in the presence of people whom I know are chasing the feelings of love. I see it much too often...people who don't really even know each other chasing one another around because of how the other makes them feel. I'd call it pathetic except I've no right.

It makes me want to do better in my own situation. I suppose the only people who read this are those really committed to knowing what's on my mind, so I'll not bother with vacant attempts to hide things and come right out and say I committed myself, following my breakup in mid-November, to being single for at least three months (longer is even better). That also means not pursuing anyone until after those three months, lest I start a relationship right afterwards (I feel like that's cheating). This is so that I can make certain that I'm purging my desire for the feelings of love and chasing something utterly beyond simply feelings, when I do find someone. It's also nice to grow in my friendships and my relationship with the Lord, to better prepare myself for when I do...look around.

However, (and I feel like I've posted about this too many times before) I've not simply ceased to be interested in women. As I said, seeing the poor fools (forgive me for speaking as I feel) who chase feelings and leech happiness gives me strength beyond just my own desire to maintain my integrity to keep on as I've planned. But sometimes...sometimes I am so tempted to tell someone my feelings it's unbearable. And sometimes I really can't keep someone out of my head. It's aggravating.

I can't ever remember something so inane as a crush being so difficult. I'd like to know if there's a way to forcefully banish a thought from one's head.

I'll try anything.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for contemplation of true love.

On crushes.

I told someone the other day that I don't like having secrets and I have very few of them, and these sorts of blog posts are further evidence.

It seems despite my reasonable and genuine desire to remain single for a while, I can't avoid having the singular nuisance of "getting crushes." Before you waste time reading this post to find out who, keep in mind that I wish to ignore these feelings, rather than give them credit. Disclosing who they are will get me no further towards that goal. (Also, if you try to guess who they are, you will most likely be wrong. My true emotions are a lot more discrete these days.)

I like to remind myself that there is actually a hormone released by the brain when you "get crushes" that leads you to feel like someone is more similar to you than they actually are. Fascinating, isn't it?

I also like to remind myself of the amazingly frequent deception caused by my feelings/emotions. Responding to those now would be like buying something from the same conman who's tricked you into buying junk for the hundredth time!

I'm not often good at following my own advice, and I know what I would tell myself at this point. Still, sometimes it's hard to judge the line between doing what I would normally do and responding to a feeling. To simply avoid all women would be a bit drastic as most of my friends, because of the demographics around here, are women. That would be pretty lonely.

Another obstacle here is the fact that I can't control other people having crushes on me. Not only that, but if they're not aggressive like some women *cough cough*, I can't really tell if they do. The obvious ones are easy because I can just avoid them, but the others just appear to me as if they really like me as a friend. I'm oblivious!!

I think it would be unwise for me to not develop friendships with women at all for the next two-three+ months that I won't be dating anyone, since after that I'm quite sure if I did pursue someone it would be someone I've already been good friends with for a long time, to avoid past mistakes.

Pray for me that I may pursue my vocation as a single man until I'm ready to date again.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for good judgement of the heart.

On Love and Kindness

Love never fails, but only if you choose the proper kind of love.

What bothers me most about this era of time is that no one knows what love really is. People think that love is kindness - I say it is most certainly NOT. Kindness is only one small part of love. Some love is unkind.

Allow me to demonstrate - suppose you have a child. This child is giving you quite a bit of trouble. He or she has tantrums, makes messes, swears, fights. Being the kind, forgiving person you are, you let them off each time, pardoning them the offense. The child grows up accustomed to being allowed any behavior they wished, and they end up quite friendless, jobless, and even in trouble with the police because of their inability to control themselves.

Consider another scenario. You have the same child...but you are not just kind to them, you love them. So you punish them. Punishments are not kind. But you have thought about their future...you have thought more about them than if you just insisted on being kind to them. In return, they grow up to be a responsible adult. Certainly better off if you had just been kind to them all the time.

Our society says we should accept everyone. What they say is great, but what they mean is not what they're saying. What they're saying is that we should allow anyone and everyone to make whatever mistake they're making for the rest of their life. And we should treat it as good. That is not acceptance. That is hate.

Throw away your so-called "acceptance." Live with integrity. If I am messing up, tell me for my own good! I don't care how I feel about it. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me to change!

...To change for the better. It's the true kindness. It's the real love.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for true kindness and love.

On the silence of religion.

I wholeheartedly believe that the silencing of religion, sometimes self-inflicted, is a major cause of atheism.

I had a brief discussion with someone recently who was kind enough to give me a ride (I had bruised my knee). When I heard what was on her radio (Christian music), I discovered that she was a Christian. I had no idea up to that point, and this was a person I spent some time with every week. I broached the subject a little bit but had to go...the ride was over.

We had time enough to talk about how the kind girl "had the sense" that a lot of people who work on this student newspaper were Christian. Obviously if she has the sense that this is true, they must be living Christian lives at least a little, but not talking about it? What for?

I thought about what might be the reason for this. I feel like people don't want to talk about their faiths. Maybe they are afraid that they might offend the other person for "evangelizing." Perhaps they believe it makes people uncomfortable...or maybe it makes them uncomfortable. Or maybe they are just not that strong in their faith to actually want to talk about it.

I think if you love Jesus, truly love Jesus, your love will be loud. You will talk about Him and everything related often. You won't be able to help yourself. And if you live a Christian life, and know the joy of a Christian life, you will want to share it, because you love other people enough to want them to have it too.

Whatever the reason, I think many atheists don't believe at least partly (whether or not they will admit to it) because religion is dead as a subject. I'm sure if some people were exposed to more public religious conversation (notice I said conversation, not debate) they would more carefully consider it. But people who really know and love the Lord remain silent in public because that is what is politically correct. Or perhaps they don't want to be the "Jesus freak." It's easier to say "I'm an atheist" than "I'm a Christian." So the crowd will follow...

Whatever the case, there needs to be more God talk...outside of Church. Outside of bible study. Live your love authentically, or people will think it doesn't exist...just like I didn't think it existed in that nice girl who gave me a ride.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for a love that is LOUD.

A hard Lent.

The season of Lent is over, and I feel it necessary to tell something of my experience.

I have had a very special trial this Lent, either by God's choice, diabolical influence, or the twists and turns of my own life. I don't think I have done as good as I could have.

I am reminded this Lent of how far I've really not come after all. How really weak I am. It's a sobering realization.

I don't wish to embark on a tale of woe and false humility and what a depraved human being I am. Any good Christian knows how much we need God and I think it would be a useless gesture to get on the pulpit about it now. I only wish to tell a story.

I've realized that I still have addictions. Addictions to the Internet I thought I left behind. I like watching Internet videos, so I gave them up for Lent. Turns out I've probably cheated on that a dozen times.

I'm not sure why but all of Lent I was also more tempted than I'd been in a long time to sexual impurity of all sorts, even new things I hadn't been tempted to before. I don't mind admitting it, after all, who is not tempted in some form? But for whatever reason the temptation to do something, anything, was heavy on my mind. I didn't do anything, though. Thank God for that.

I find I welcome temptations much more often than I should. Details would take forever to impart but suffice it to say I stink at avoiding near occasions of sin. I walk the line and never cross it, but I should be staying away, far away. It sends the message to me that I don't take it seriously enough. I love my faith and I love fighting for heaven, but actions speak louder than words. If I really cared as much as I say I do, I would never even come close to doing something...stupid.

I'm also still very crabby sometimes. I am very impatient with people. I expect something and if I get something very far from that it's hard for me to be civil. When people talk to me while I'm eating and reading a book and just want to be left alone, I don't try to make conversation. Whenever I've been really upset and just don't want to talk to people, I'm very cold. When someone stole my pot and then took down the signs I put up politely asking for it back, I just ignored everyone. When people wake me up and don't seem to care, when they accuse me of things that they are responsible for, when no one seems to care that I'm having a problem they're causing, I just don't do what the saints do. I don't act out of perfect love. I act out of half-assed love.

I am left this Lent feeling pretty inadequate. I feel like an inadequate boyfriend because of my lack of new ideas for us and my general bouts of bad moods. I feel like an inadequate friend because I can't meet up with everyone I want to and I haven't been such a nice guy. I feel like an inadequate Catholic because I don't have genuine prayer, I have little faith, and I don't know if I'm growing in virtue. I feel inadequate in preparing for my future for the lack of responsibility and progress I've made in building my future.

I am inadequate. God help me.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream far beyond my trial this Lent.

Sermon of myself.

"Then a great beauty was revealed in him, so that all who after came there looked on him in wonder; for they saw that the grace of his youth, and the valour of his manhood, and the wisdom and majesty of his age were blended together. And long there he lay, an image of the Kings of Men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world."

I think that may be the most fantastic image of a dead man there ever was: Tolkien's description of the deceased Aragorn, one of the main heroes in the Lord of the Rings.

When I was younger I had many grandiose images of my future self. My imagination would get the best of me, and I would have impossible dreams of a fantastic mix of all my favorite heroes, a sort of Super Jedi who wielded an ancient sword and had magical powers. The sort of man who was powerful, yet noble; just, yet merciful; stoic, yet charming. A man who could only ever be fictional.

I've become a different kind of magical superhero. The kind who lives a pretty humble life, unnoticed by most of the world. I never would have thought that a walking rosary would be something I would want to do with friends...two nights in a row. I'm pretty OK with who I am.

My friendships have never been better. Just when I thought I couldn't feel more loved, I was surprised with two more cakes and a surprise birthday party after my last post. I got the nicest birthday card ever, filled with a message from the heart that made my eyes mist a little bit.

I feel like the shell that contained my former self who wanted to be a hero but was in reality no one was scraped out by strong hands and filled with something better, something that wasn't me but was what I really was striving for all along. A better kind of hero, a lover of God.

The good things that people like about me aren't from inside me, they are from God. The only thing I did that's worth any praise is that I slowed down and started listening to God and putting my faith in Him. The rest is Him.

These are all things I've touched on before, but I feel like it takes on a more profound meaning when cast in the light of feelings I've had lately. A great friend of mine sang a song that spoke of a father who misses his daughter, recognizing that his memories of her in the wake of her death are only a small image of the happiness of heaven, a place far beyond his wildest dreams where he will see her again. The part of the song that makes me cry hardest is when he begins to talk about his finite view of heaven:

"But in my mind’s eye
I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there’s no more goodbye
And no more “not enough”
And there’s no more enemy...no more..."

As happy as I am I never really feel like I belong here anymore. The song touches me because it speaks to my experience on earth. I'm tired of feeling far from God. I'm tired of family dying of cancer. I'm tired of people being heartbroken. I don't want to keep saying goodbye to friends only to never see them again, especially one dear friend who will be gone from my life forever in less than two months. It's killing me to think about it.

There is consolation in the knowledge that no two lovers of God see each other for the last time. My friend and I love God, I know, and we will continue to grow apart even in our separate lives. But heaven feels so far away.

I think because of this understanding I feel I know the reason I'm so attracted to people. Not in a sexual way, but in a way that I feel like I want all of my friends to be a large part of my life for the rest of my life. Why I feel sad if I can't see someone, or I'm not growing in friendship with someone. There are few people I don't like. It's all because I want to achieve heaven, the final frontier, where I will be one with all of them, if they love God. I don't want to say goodbye anymore.

That said, this seems to be who I am. I have a friend who is gifted with a great deal of wisdom. I ended up talking to him for almost three hours one cold night, walking all around campus. It was an honor when he said, after I told him that I learn a lot from him, that he learns things from me, too. I really don't know what they are, but he thinks I'm special. That really feels good coming from him.

If someone like him can say that to me, then perhaps I am closer to being the person that inspired my imagination, so long ago...

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was to see you again as I am in heaven.