Saturday, June 8, 2013

On being foolish.

There's nothing like making the same mistake twice to humble you. And making the same mistake multiple times...

I am grateful this morning for the lack of nightmares. That much, at least, is different from the last time something very similar to this happened. I had nightmares for a long time. Since then, I have more or less made mistakes of a lesser extent, but similar manner, and now I have once again committed a huge blunder of the magnitude of...well, before I started writing this blog.

I have told myself in the past that I have learned a lot since I began this blog, but it seems I have not learned nearly as much as I supposed.

Like, for instance, that the more you tighten your grip on something hoped for the more quickly and easily it slips through your fingers. Like how to take people at their word rather than fantasizing about what they really mean. That last one is a surprise. That was something I was proud of knowing...or "knowing." It seems I don't really know it at all.

There is this much, at least: I know now that my problems really have been all my fault for a very long time. I hope I do not soon forget how foolish I have really been all this time. No, my ignorance is bared forth so powerfully today that I can no longer deny it. I am powerless against my own desire for love and affection, and it is destroying my ability to have it. No one wants to love a person who needs it. I do not speak here of the friendship love, or the love of affection, or the love of a Christian to his neighbor. I speak of the love of self-gift. It is precisely because someone does not need us, in this kind of love, that we wish to give ourselves completely to them.

The problem is I don't know what to do. I have done many different things now, and I have had a great share of hope in things to come, and now again while I was trying to rectify my mistakes I incidentally made them again.

My foolishness will not be coming to an end anytime soon. I can only stumble around in the dark, hoping that somehow I finally find the light switch and turn it on so I can finally get out.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for an end to my foolishness.

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