Riddles in the dark.

It's been a long and dangerous road these past few weeks.

Finding my own balance in the midst of the tricky social situation around me has been a challenge - one that I feel I've met well (I feel good). What do I mean? Well, I could certainly be wrong, but I feel as though there are quite a few strong emotions one way or another that people are desperately keeping to themselves.

I could be deceiving myself, but I think I have a certain people sense that helps me pick up on less obvious clues that other people miss. And, well...it seems every day I get the feeling that someone has made a slight change in behavior. Sometimes it's something that I'm certain has no significance other than an "off day"...other times, people are just acting plain ODD.

The surest sign that "something is up" with someone is to simply look for a change in behavior that can't be explained away and is persistent. This sort of combination of inductive and deductive reasoning from observing my friends has served me well...just the other day a friend told me I have a habit of being able to tell how he feels even if he's trying to hide it.

So, where is this going, you might ask? I shall tell you. I think it has something to do with the fact that there are very few single men around here, that there are a LOT of single women, and with the fact that there have been a lot of romantic engagements. And the fact that most of my friends these days are girls (I didn't do that on purpose, it just kind of happened). It's just a proposition, I don't really know anything for sure, but from what I do know of how people have been acting, well...I really can't explain such odd behavior away, and this is how the puzzle pieces seem to fit...to me.

Don't worry, I shan't let it go to my head. After all, I really feel like there's only one girl I know who knows the real me, and she's basically next in line to get engaged. Fat chance there. So if I'm right, all it means is that there are a lot of girls who are infatuated with someone who technically doesn't exist (not me).

Like I've said before, I'm really fine where I am. Maybe I'll want to move on and date someday soon, but certainly not for a while. So what is someone like me to do? Hide. HIDE! Or not...after all, that would be acting on a guess. They're just riddles in the dark, and so perhaps I should simply continue acting like I don't know anything...because I really don't.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for truth in the light.

Addicted to Love.

I ought to go to sleep, but there's something that's bothering me.

In this community I live in, I feel that because of our communal formation in living the divine life there shouldn't be people around here who act in ways that they ought to know better. However, that is not so.

In the same way that all people hate to see others making their own past mistakes, I get frustrated in the presence of people whom I know are chasing the feelings of love. I see it much too often...people who don't really even know each other chasing one another around because of how the other makes them feel. I'd call it pathetic except I've no right.

It makes me want to do better in my own situation. I suppose the only people who read this are those really committed to knowing what's on my mind, so I'll not bother with vacant attempts to hide things and come right out and say I committed myself, following my breakup in mid-November, to being single for at least three months (longer is even better). That also means not pursuing anyone until after those three months, lest I start a relationship right afterwards (I feel like that's cheating). This is so that I can make certain that I'm purging my desire for the feelings of love and chasing something utterly beyond simply feelings, when I do find someone. It's also nice to grow in my friendships and my relationship with the Lord, to better prepare myself for when I do...look around.

However, (and I feel like I've posted about this too many times before) I've not simply ceased to be interested in women. As I said, seeing the poor fools (forgive me for speaking as I feel) who chase feelings and leech happiness gives me strength beyond just my own desire to maintain my integrity to keep on as I've planned. But sometimes...sometimes I am so tempted to tell someone my feelings it's unbearable. And sometimes I really can't keep someone out of my head. It's aggravating.

I can't ever remember something so inane as a crush being so difficult. I'd like to know if there's a way to forcefully banish a thought from one's head.

I'll try anything.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for contemplation of true love.