I've noticed there are two types of people: those who see a happy picture from long ago and feel happy, and those who see a happy picture from long ago and feel sad.
I am one of the latter. The difference between myself and those who see old pictures with happiness is that the happy ones are the ones who know that those times will come again. Me, I don't. The future terrifies me.
Why? Because I know something other people don't. I have discovered that when people have a good group of friends, they don't look for more friends. They don't care about friends that have gone before them - at least, not in any real conscious, present way, just in the abstract "I hope wherever they are and whatever they're doing, they are happy." As long as my friends have plenty of other friends, I am disposable. The only way it is ever different is if I do something to make them feel guilty - or their other friends leave them. And neither of those are solutions that interest me. This is the truth.
My time is over. It has been long over, in fact. My senior year of college was two years ago, and now I am all washed up, even if am still a student - a graduate student, but a student nonetheless. I look around me and see happy people who were first brought into this community by my class - some of them by me personally. It has never really seemed to matter. So long as they are happy, they could care less how lonely I am. They can certainly pretend to care - they have to in order to feel OK about themselves - but in the end, if I never reached out and asked people to spend time with me, I would probably talk to people a couple times a year. There are a few out there who are legitimately busy - I understand that very well, indeed I do - but there are others who have their band, their group, their "one from many" of which I can never hope to take part. I'm too old - even when I do somehow spend time with people here, I feel like an outsider. I belong to a group of people who have already left me behind.
The times I've been happiest in life is when I really felt a part of something greater than myself. The times when I wasn't just a friend, but part of a group of friends. Those were the best. And now, I am on the verge of leaving behind every good thing I've had on earth. All that I ever really had was here, at school. If I couldn't make friendships that last here, what hope do I have out there, where it is so much harder?
There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream of constant memory.
Hey, I just found your blog and I really feel for you. I've seen you on campus and at church, you really are a good guy. I know times may get rough, especially with being a grad student, but it will get much better. Friends will come and go but that happens to everyone. Your true friends will be by your side even no matter what happens. You have to remember that this is your life. You can make it what ever you want it to be, believe what ever you want, and most importantly you can make it better. I too struggled with these similar thoughts and although I may fall back into these sad thoughts from time to time, I realize they are lies I keep telling myself. If I can make it this far with my many, many, MANY imperfections, I'm sure you can too. You really are a good guy and I hope you see that. Don't give up on the dream, don't say goodbye, and keep holding on.
ReplyDeleteThank you, whoever you are. I'm really touched you would take the time to share some wisdom with me, it's really needed. Please feel free to approach me some time. I promise I won't make you feel awkward. :)
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