Tuesday, November 2, 2010

On determination, and November.

Boy, when I actually feel good, I feel it.

Through a complicated series of events, I've been launched into this strange state I find myself in from time to time where I have neither solved, nor forgotten my problems and anxieties, but found the strength to overlook them temporarily.

I'd rather not bog down my writing with the details, but suffice it to say it's the stuff that usually makes me feel good: spending time talking and laughing with fun and loving people, sharing things, and feeling truly welcome. Granted, most of it was due to circumstances that were forced upon us all, but I'm trying to ignore that minor detail.

So, whenever I feel good like I do now, I am always filled with a sense of determination that it should continue that way, and that I have the chance to make my life better. Things don't seem so hopeless: I feel fun and attractive to women, rather than a "bottom of the barrel" sort of guy I usually feel like...Rather than feeling like people have lost touch with me because they don't care about me anymore, I feel like "it's their loss." My sense of humor improves, my self-control improves, my work ethic improves, and my mood improves most of all. It's an all-around welcome change.

However, I'm worried that this might wear off again soon. It usually does, sometimes very quickly. And it always makes those disappointments seem so much worse. After all, when you expect disappointment and failure it hurts a lot less than when you are so sure things are taking a turn for the better and you turn out completely wrong.

Now that it is November, I feel especially susceptible to this sort of thing. Most of the biggest hurts in my life have happened to me in November. I'm not entirely sure why, and I don't mean to be superstitious, but I see a clear pattern. I hate being so cynical, but really...now that I am feeling alright, if I'm not careful I'll start asking myself "So, I feel good, which usually means something awful is about to happen. It's also November, the month where the worst things always happen. What's it going to be this time?"

But this determination...I don't even know what to do with it. It makes me want to go run outside and save the world. But the things that bother me in life are all the things out of my control. Determination has little to do with it all. I'll just have to enjoy the feeling while it's here.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that determination would always bring results.

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