Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I never asked to be born, but while I'm here I'll do my best. Just so you know, I never said I knew what I was doing.

And I don't.

The past few weeks have been fun, confusing, and all-around tiring and demotivating. I'm really sick of the ups and downs and of trying to fix things that I'm not sure are broken. I just really don't know what I'm doing.

Sometimes I just really wish I had some certainty in my life instead of just wandering around trying to bump into something that I know I can really lean on. I know some people at this point would bother me about the obvious answer...just let it rest, OK? God never said we would always be happy.

I'm glad for good friends. Good friends with good advice. Sometimes I already know what they're going to say before they say it. I know the answers but sometimes I just need to hear them from someone else. It's just better that way because then I can know that someone else agrees with me. Often I always think if something is going wrong, it's my fault. I have a tendency to just...get things wrong. And sometimes...sometimes I just don't even know what I think. I need to talk to someone. It makes things clearer to me.

I don't like feelings. Not because I don't like having them but because I can't trust them. They ruin my judgement. They ruin everything.

I want to be more like my hero, Aragorn. Brave, noble, just. But I just wonder if it would be more heroic to just be patient or to go beyond my fears and do something rash.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was to wander no more.

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