"Like out of the Far East..."

I am…so very arrogant.

What I mean to say is that I am sorry, both to myself and to others that have spoken to me that I claimed I had done everything there is to do about my situation. There is still hope, and I wish I had the courage to acknowledge it to those who spoke to me – even those who spoke anonymously to me over this blog. In my hurt, I gave myself permission to pridefully proclaim that all other opinions about the situation were null and void, and that my despair was gospel.

Today, I spoke to someone in my profession who is much more experienced than I, and has been very credible to me since the moment I met him…often in a way I couldn't deny, even if I wanted to. This man, a 'mentor' if there ever was one, just speaks to me, and I believe what he says. Today I told him all about what has happened to me over the past several years, and he spoke to me about a philosophy toward my problems so bold and tenacious that I would never have thought of it myself. I can be bold and tenacious if the situation calls for it, but at heart I am cautious, and think first of the cautious approach to situations.

I did not agree to all that he said – not yet, at least – but I did acknowledge that his idea was attractive to me. I told him that his idea was a philosophy "like out of the Far East," a foreign idea coming to those Westerners who thought they knew it all. I did think I knew it all – but clearly I did not.

I have often spoke of characters from stories in this blog. I have readily admitted in one particular blog post that I admire most the characters who never give up, who are bold and tenacious. Like Han Solo, Magus, Vegeta, or William Wallace. I like them because we are so unalike, but they have qualities I wish I had. I told this to my mentor, and he told me that all men wish for such qualities. He is probably right. I am not special in this – but I am special in that I’m willing to try.

I've come too far to do anything else.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream full of boldness and tenacity.

On regrouping.

"Reform the line! Reform the line..."

On the battlefield, after a charge or just after a certain amount of time, things tend to get messy. Soldiers tend to go astray in their pursuit of the enemy. If they are allowed to stay like this, it is easy for the enemy to overtake many of these stray soldiers and kill them.

However, a wise leader will call for his soldiers to regroup. Soldiers are stronger in groups and far less likely to die.

Reader, I have been a warring nation. For the past seven years, I have never gone beyond perhaps a month without declaring war; I have always known what I wanted and been willing to try and take it. But I've only ever won a single war. For ten and a half months, I held my ground until I decided that my army wasn't compatible with the land and I abdicated it.

Since that time, things had gone very badly. I doubled my efforts. Tripled them. And still, somehow my charges would be broken, or the enemy would overcome me, or all would be lost in some confusing melee. And when all seemed darkest, I finally declared peace. For nearly 6 months now, I had fought no wars. I have often wrote of this in my blog. Sometimes when I wrote of it, I was happy. Sometimes, I was ambivalent. But at no point did I declare it a bad idea.

Recently, I fought again. Out of nowhere, it seemed, which made it all the more compelling to me. It just seemed right. I had lost a lot of confidence in myself, but I didn't want fear to hold me back. There were some confusing things going on, but even those I set aside, all for the sake doing what seemed natural. I had doubts about victory, and was at times certain that this, too, would end badly, but there were other things that encouraged me and made me certain that I would win this one. "If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight," says the Art of War.

But, as suddenly as it started, the war was over. I lost. And now my soldiers are scattered everywhere, dazed. It's up to me now. I must regroup. I must hold the line. Other people are counting on me to hold everything together, so that bandits don't burn my crops, or kill my people, or pillage my goods.

But it's hard. I wasn't sure that I could handle another defeat. I was sure that another defeat would destroy me for good. But here I am. As I've written before, I'm like the Gunslinger from the Dark Tower. "You darkle, you tinct. May I be frank? You go on." I will go on. Like before.

But to what purpose? Is this what my entire life is going to be? Here the allegory ends, and I will be frank. My job is to help people through their problems and for them to feel better. And among my friends, that is what I do, too. But at the end of every day, I am alone. I have no one. Everyone I ever had has left me behind for greater purposes, and I must accept it. But it just feels like no one really cares about me. For a little while, at least, that seemed about to change. But they're gone too. They have to go. And if they're reading this and not taking a break like I would, I want them to know I'm sorry, too. Maybe someday things will be different. But I don't know when that will be, and I don't care.

I just need to regroup for a while.

There was a dream that I dream, a dream of sure victory.

This side.

"It's foreign on this side,

And I'll not leave my home again.

There's no place to hide

And I'm nothing but scared."

So, I'm all unpacked and settled in my new home. It's a nice neighborhood and I have a decent job that I'm starting tomorrow.

But I don't feel good.

Last week I left what I considered my home behind, something I always knew was going to happen. You can't just go to school forever - the point is to learn how to become a productive member of society with a job...and that's what I am now.

The hour when I need to be courageous and put behind my college days for good has finally come, and I'm scared. I feel so alone in this new role and I don't want to screw anything up. I wish I had a friend - any friend here to live with me and comfort me. But what choice do I ever have except to pull myself together and do what needs to be done? It's the only choice I've had for a long time now and I don't see a day coming soon where it will be any different.

I don't understand these feelings and I'm ashamed of them. But at least the path ahead is clear, even if it's dark.

I'll get used to this side.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for this side to become home again.

The lost virtues.

"Might have to go where they don't know my name...Float all over the world...just to see her again! And I won't show or fear any pain, even though all my armor might rust in the rain! A simple plot...but I know one day...good things are coming our way."
-Coldplay, "Up With the Birds"

I have been wanting to write about something for a long time.

I have a friend I've known since high school. Often when I think of this friend I regress emotionally to the level of a little girl. It's embarrassing to admit but I say this for a reason.

I've spent my entire life doing a lot of things. I think the most profound of these is my own quest for power - Power over myself.

I have lived a life lacking integrity. I've lived in fear and despair.  I was brought up to hate myself and to fear those I lived with. I never thought anything would get better.

My mother was the only person in my family I could really talk to. I lost her at 16. I really didn't appreciate her as I should...she really let me take a lot out on her. The guilt of it stayed with me for a long time. I'm still getting over it.

My friend in high school...well, she has had some kind of strange affect on me. I haven't seen her in years, but I've never been able to forget about her. I still worry about her, and I don't know why.

A long time ago, she shared a lot about her life with me. She has had a very hard life. She had a lot of trust issues with males, but for whatever reason she gave me hers. I blew it. I was impatient with her and said some stupid things I really wish I could take back. We're still friends, technically. But it's been so hard to stay in touch with her. There have been periods many months long where I lost all contact.

She's not the only friend I've betrayed either. With my year and a half long hermitage lasting over my sophomore and junior year of college, I really lost a lot of friendships that I've never really been able to get back.

Trouble is, I never really wanted to do any of these things. I knew what I was doing was stupid and I did it anyway. I lacked integrity.

What's more is, I lacked courage to do what was right. There are so many people in my life who could have benefited from me having the courage to say something they really needed to hear...or, I could have benefited from saying or doing something to make a change in my life.

And over all, my lack of hope for change made me unable to develop any of these virtues.

I have so much regret. I could have made it clear to my mother how much I loved her. I could have made a difference in my friend's life. I could have matched my thoughts to my actions and been responsible with my time...and not been a bad friend.

On a cold November night in 2009, I got a phone call that made me snap. I totally lost it. It took me three months to really get over what I heard on that phone. What I was told made me realize all at once how lost I really was. I'm not really even sure if it was all due to that phone call, but I have to place the start of my change somewhere, and I guess that's it. Maybe I'll never know how or when, but somehow, it happened. My lost virtues...just sort of came.

I know a lot of people probably feel the same way, but the band Coldplay seems to write songs about me. The songs...just get it. How I feel.

How I "Might have to go where they don't know my name...

How I would love to just "Float all over the world...just to see her again!"

How I'm determined not to "show or fear any pain, even though all my armor might rust in the rain!"

It's "A simple plot...but I know one day...good things are coming our way."

I only hope that maybe someday, I can look back on my life and really believe that I made up for what I failed to do because of who I was. That I can say I lived a life of integrity, courage, and hope.

I hope.

Seagulls, my favorite animal, in a picture particularly applicable to this post

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for hope, courage, and integrity to be renewed.

Saving the Princess.

For a long time, it always seemed like my princess was in another castle.

Let me take you back to a long time ago. I'm not exactly sure when it began but I was always very fascinated with heroes as a child. I would try to find books where a heroic protagonist could take me far, far away to a magical place where I could watch him save the world...or the universe. Courage, power, wisdom, and tenacity were the only qualities I really valued back then.

It wasn't until my gaming phase came into full swing that I could really lose myself in a hero. I could actually become the hero. It's amazing how wonderful it is sometimes when you are a young boy with low self-esteem to lose grip on reality for a little while and fight monsters, save the princess and the world. I don't really regret all the time I spent...sometimes. I think that all that immersion in other worlds and fantastic heroes really rubbed off on me in a good way.

I think even though until this past year I was always hurt when attempting to court ladies, I think it was better that I had a chivalrous, noble attitude towards it than a chauvinistic, womanizing one. Even without a good relationship with the Lord I still had a strong ideal of what a good, heroic man was and strove for it.

Still, I spent a long time as a loner and as such could be very alone with my thoughts. Because of all the stories I read and the heroes I became in video games I had a very unrealistic hope for my future. This has been somewhat tempered by the past six years of real life slapping me around a bit.

Despite that, what I still really want sometimes is to be a true hero. Not in the simple sense of a role model, or even someone who saves a kid from a burning building...something more like Link.

Link is the main character of a series of video games I've only recently been able to find time to enjoy. Link is a green-clad swordsman who travels across the land of Hyrule fighting incredibly powerful foes and exploring dungeons in search for missing pieces of the puzzle to saving his world. He is often allying with or saving the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda, and must always defeat the evil Ganondorf, a powerful warlock.

The more games in the series you play, the more you come to realize that there are actually many different Links with many different adventures throughout time, as well as many Zeldas and many Ganondorfs. See, in Link's world, there is something called the Triforce, and as the Triforce has been separated, the three parts have cleaved themselves to the hands of those who best embodied the three parts. Zelda has the Triforce of Wisdom on her hand, Ganondorf the Triforce of Power, and Link, the Triforce of Courage. Thus, Link is the living embodiment of Courage. Somehow, whenever Hyrule is in trouble, some incarnation (or reincarnation) of Link is ready to save the day. Link is exactly the sort of hero I like.

Life can become so disappointing when you get a taste of what it would feel like to live as a hero. I have a gift for suspension of disbelief - a suspension that allows me to really feel like I am the one who is really having these incredible adventures...for a little while. I guess it's not always a good thing.

I just wish that I had some kind of outlet for this intense desire to have a grand adventure. In this world there are no quests, only work and play. Sometimes only work.

I am at this point going to anticipate some instruction from my well-intentioned friends/readers. I know that only God can fulfill all of my desires and that heaven is the greatest quest on earth. Thank you (without any sarcasm). However, if you are telling me this in relation to my post, you have entirely missed the essence of what I'm trying to relate.

I'm going to at this point bring this back down to earth a little bit. I suppose the main point of this rather incoherent narrative is that I don't know how to reconcile my lofty aspirations with my easily-earned place in life. I have a great relationship and a good future. I just don't know how to appreciate it...and that makes me feel selfish.

I just wish I could make my own life more exciting somehow.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for adventure.

"Nobody said it was easy..."

"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you are..."

I think God made all people equally beautiful, but some people he made it more easy to see...There is nothing that makes me want to love myself more than when I see someone else needs my love, especially when I know how beautiful and special that person is.

Last weekend it was easy to love myself because I was loving a friend of mine. I've only met this person twice now, but we've kept up a nice phone/internet/mail correspondence for a long time now. My friend is a beautiful and amazing person, and I'm so lucky to know her, but sometimes she doesn't see what I see. Hope seems hard for her to hold onto because of how others have treated her. Between having fun doing things like shopping (cool shopping, like books and petting dogs and cats at Petsmart, not lame shopping like going to try on clothes) and watching movies, I told her how I saw her and her place in the world. It made me cry at one point because I don't think she believed me when I told her how she was destined for happiness.

During my drive back home today, I was touched by the song "The Scientist" by Coldplay. It put into words a lot of the feelings I was re-experiencing because of last weekend. I find so many people, especially women, who don't seem to understand how beautiful they are. Their beauty isn't a physical thing, it shines out from the inside, from their goodness, what makes them unique in the tapestry of life. But it's usually not prudent for me to share my feelings with the women I know. They would take it as a come on...so I'm forced to just paste the song here and hope they find it:

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start...

 There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that you knew how lovely you are.