"Oh they say you could see your future,
Inside a glass of water
With riddles and the rhymes
Will I see heaven in mine?
Oh Oh Oh..."
I could sure use a glass of water like that.
So, I worry about the future quite a bit. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? What is God calling me to? What are my options? Sometimes I don't like to think about it.
I must admit that sometimes I have a fantasy future. This future is full of fun things like children, a home in the country, adventures in the hills, laying out under the stars with my future wife. I even wrote a story as my future self months ago which I read to my girlfriend sometimes. It would be pretty embarrassing to relate in more explicit details, but it's good writing, at the very least.
But how am I going to bring this future about? Sometimes I read it just to remind myself what I want in life. Besides the most grand adventure of reaching heaven, I have grand adventures planned in this world as well, God willing.
What will I see in my glass of water? Is it half full or empty? Am I just waiting around to fail once again, or will the stars in heaven align to give me the chance I need again to make my life what I want it - need it - to be?
"STARS IN HEAVEN ALIGN! OOH OH OH AH!"
I can't bear the thought of ending up as nobody again. When I woke up and realized I was wasting my life a year ago, I said I had failed for the last time. But if I can't get a decent job and fulfill my dreams I will have done just that. It frustrates me that I don't even know where to start. Often when I pray nowadays I pray that God will show me the way, but then I start thinking about it more and more and I can't even pray right. I'm getting attacked spiritually, that's for sure, but I just don't know what to do about it. I can't pray.
It helps to pump myself up with music. My roommate and I laugh at a video of Piccolo, a character from Dragon Ball Z, yelling after being infused with power. "I can do it! I can win! I FEEL INCREDIBLE!" It's funny, but I find myself having to do the same thing sometimes. I have a lot of help around, and my girlfriend is of course a wonderful boost to my spirits, but sometimes I just need to blare motivational music as loud as I can and get excited to do what I need to do to succeed.
I have a big problem with laziness. I hate to admit it, I really do, but I hope maybe this confession will somehow help. I hate admitting it mostly because I talk so much about dreams and hopes. It makes me feel like a hypocrite...and maybe I am.
C.S. Lewis writes that some of the most delicious souls to the devils are those of hypocrites. If I am unable to overcome this vice of sloth someday I might make a tasty meal.
There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that we would never cease to look to heaven for hope and motivation.