Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A fairy tale life.

I think there are some things you can regret for the rest of your life.

One of those things I think I narrowly avoided recently: the loss of a friend who changed my life forever. In talks with my girlfriend I realized that I was really sorry that I let a few petty misunderstandings get in the way of a good friendship. Sometimes I feel that I have a lot of regrets in life and sometimes none at all, but without a doubt I know what happened between this person and I was regrettable. After all this time this person ended up being right about a lot of things. Not everything, but the biggest things, and she never failed to tell me.

My girlfriend and I talk a lot about the skeletons in our closets, our "past lives" so to speak, and how much we've both changed over the years. I've told her many things that I regret, and a lot of things that happened that were bad but I don't necessarily regret. I realized during one of these conversations that I still missed my friend. I thought that when I made sure she was no longer in my life anymore that eventually I would get over it and have no regrets because we were both better off. But I thought about how I would feel years from now, when I don't even see her I would wonder how she ended up, and if she still thought about me. I realized that if she and I were not friends again, I would regret it forever, because whether or not she realized it or intended it, she changed my life. The small kindnesses she showed me a year ago are part of the reason why my girlfriend and I are together now. I know I want my friend to be happy and successful, and to do what I can as a friend to help her there.

I said to myself a long time ago, when I was starting to figure myself out, that I wanted a life that I could look back upon and have no doubt that I made it the best life I possibly could. It is a testament to this promise that I look to the future like I have in trying to repair this friendship.

I recently read something I wrote a few months back. It said that all of our lives are fairy tales, and we all deserve a fairy tale ending. Even with the ecstasy of heaven in store, is it still wrong for me to desire a happy ending to the (hopefully) long tale of my life?  In the end, I want to be able to smile knowing that everything really did turn out for the best, and not one loose thread remained for me to tie off.

If there's anything I can ever do to achieve this goal, I know I am sure to do it. I will never give up.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for a fairy tale ending.

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