"May all our voices...whisper to you, from the ageless stone."
So says the spartan warrior Dilios in the movie 300. I'm always pleasantly surprised when a movie like 300, full of sex and violence, can still move me with a bit of pretty writing.
Dilios' words always come to mind when I think about my past. It always seems to surprise people when I say (not always in these words) that I consider most of my life a failure. It is only recently that I've become who I am now, and most of the people I see from day to day now never knew who I was. Sometimes if I let it, my past haunts me, not loudly, but in whispers from long ago. I hope that you, the reader, can understand that I am not trying to be dramatic, but I am trying to describe what I think in the best way that I know how.
One of the only good things about dwelling on the past is that it makes me more determined than ever to never waste my life again. I don't think that I was ever a wholly rotten person, it is only that I constantly wasted my time to the point that I may as well have been, because I wasn't becoming an especially good or accomplished person. Now, I'd much rather die before I failed at being a good Catholic, a good student, a good boyfriend.
When I said in one of my other blog posts that I did not have any regrets, maybe I spoke too soon. Sometimes I think about people that I really, truly cared for, who I no longer speak to for various reasons. I wonder how their lives are, if they're still interested in mine, if we could still be friends. I'm not sure why, but often I truly believe that I no longer care, and prove myself wrong when I think about contacting them again. But what is there to say? The truth? "I miss you"? That if we are not friends again, I will regret it forever?
Or maybe, they will become a shadow of a memory once more.
There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for a quiet past.