Just the facts.

School has begun, and it's been much as I expected.

I really don't have a lot of time anymore, and pretty much as soon as I have homework and work starts, I will have no time at all. For much of anything. It's only a matter of time before people will wonder where I have gone - some out of genuine concern, most out of detached curiosity. Mostly I will wonder why no one saw this coming when I made it practically my mission in life to be with these people as much as possible while I still could...before I left.

I don't know if people consider the life-span of their relationships much when they decide how they will conduct them, but I know in my case no one has...yet. I'll be gone in less than a year, and already I might as well be gone now because I no longer have time for what I would consider a meaningful relationship. I still entertain the idea of entering a romantic relationship as well, but I heavily doubt my own capability in making a proper decision regarding women since every other time I've made one it's ended in a disaster much further beyond what would be considered the normal or usual pains of entering/attempting a relationship. This is kind of new to me - usually when faced with even the possibility of romance I am excited - and apparently too excited to actually make a good discernment decision. Now, however, I feel merely apprehensive and doubtful, and I think I have good reason to do so. It's difficult enough to explain in person, so I won't even try to elaborate here.

It's no longer up for debate whether or not I am happy - I have definitely not been happy for quite a long time and have no one to blame for it, really. It's hard to complain when you know that the problem lies either with you or no one at all. I am generally incompetent in at least one component of anything I try to accomplish, whether it be the paperwork part of counseling, the motivation aspect of earning a living, or the discernment part of a relationship, and whenever I am reminded of that, I usually end up not wanting to do anything except what I have to do.

I know no one ever really seems to believe a word I say regarding my feelings, self-concept, general state in life, etc. but at least when I write things out here on the Internet, I can get a sense that I have explained myself as best as I can. I don't really hope for much besides a chance to explain myself, and I better get used to it, too, because that will likely be the last thing I do before entering heaven (or hell): explaining myself. I suppose if I can get that right nothing else will really have mattered.

That's it, just the facts. Thanks for reading, whoever you may be.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream that's a fact.

What Lies Below.

Dreams are the mind's way of taking a nice, refreshing poop.

Last night I had a dream that bothered me a little. In the dream, someone I don't like very much trapped me in a warehouse. I played nice and asked her to let me out, while she continued to threaten me with making everyone believe I was a bad person and other things that she would never actually say but my mind knows I find horrific. Well, when she came back in to taunt me to my face, I let her know she made a mistake by promptly grappling with her. For a moment I was afraid I had messed with the wrong opponent, since I was surprised at how her size contributed to her strength, but in the end I was still able to lift her and throw her down onto the ground. This did nothing to stop her, though, and it wasn't until I brutally bent her so that one side of her face was pressed into the ground and the other into her stomach that I had truly won.

"You will let me out. You will never speak to me again." I said to her, as her face turned bright, cherry red and the pain showed very clearly on her face. I felt a pang of guilt at seeing how hurt she was, but I reminded myself of her attempt to trap and defame me before letting her off the ground. She quickly went to fulfill my demands, letting me out and sobbing as people began to ask her what was wrong...while I slinked off elsewhere to think about the lack of foresight that could get me an assault charge and whether her entrapment was good enough for a self-defense defense. Then I woke up, relieved.

What does this mean? Well, besides the obvious fact that I still have a lot of messed up dreams, it means to me that I have a lot of anger to take out. Mostly when I'm impatient, frustrated, or angry, I let out a little steam by slipping out a few curse words or having an angry expression, but apparently this isn't enough. I'm very angry about certain things that keep happening to me, which I need not repeat lest my readership that may already be annoyed at all my emo posts (sorry! It's really my one guilty internet emo thing) consider this one the final straw.

Problem is, what do I do about it, anyway? I can't exactly actually go punching people, now. I used to like to throw a softball in the air and hit it as far as I could, and run after it...Over and over until I was too tired to be angry. Now that seems...silly. And probably won't keep working.

If you have any ideas...let me know.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for peaceful dreams.