I find that much of the time I feel very happy to just be mellow.
Today was a slow day. I can't be happier that it was. I must be getting old, or something, because my personality has utterly changed in this regard - I no longer crave adventure and excitement in the same way as I once did.
Once upon a time, I would be very disappointed if a day passed where I did not experience some sort of excitement, or at least, some kind of tug at my emotions. Now I find that people often tell me I look tired or upset - the reality is, I often feel very content. Peaceful, even. And this is without any excitement necessary.
I take pleasure in finding that things are moving along at a leisurely pace. I find comfort in slowing down. Well, certain things anyway, I'm still impatient sometimes...but other things, like conversations, relationships, reading books, my thoughts...I like it slow now.
That's the new adventure and excitement. Watching the world move by slowly, rather than quickly. Wondering what will happen next passively rather than actively. No longer finding it necessary to anticipate the future. I'm not worried, I'm here, and I can only do what I can in the moment: the NOW.
I think perhaps part of this is that I have gained some measure of emotional independence. I more or less choose how I wish to feel, now. I don't need to confide in anyone, although I still enjoy doing so. Any outstanding emotions on my horizon I acknowledge, feel, but let them pass through me. It's really nice. I don't miss the frantic excitement and/or anxiety of always wondering and waiting - because now I can enjoy the moment more.
This is wonderful, you see. There are so many other people out there who always need someone. Now, I certainly don't. And this will set me free to love people more - and better.
I haven't made reference to God in this blog in a while, but I suppose this is a prime opportunity. I really don't know as I write this if I've grown in virtue or not, but I do know that my prayer has been much more productive than usual. Maybe this peace is from God, and maybe it is the change in my personality.
Either way, this is the most interesting development of my personality in over a year, and I must say it's a welcome change.
There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for blissful serenity.