Since then my mind has quieted a bit. The anger and personal issues I'd expressed in those writings are now mysteriously quiet. Usually I'm very well in-touch with my feelings and have lots of opinions about them. Now, I mostly feel numb.
"Then darkness took me; and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wandered far on roads that I will not tell," says Gandalf of his apparent death at the hands of the Balrog. I suppose even the strongest of us have only so much they can take before everything sort of...resets. And that's what I feel has happened to me.
I seem to be accepting or at least resigned to my friendship/relationship difficulties. I seem to be not thinking about my issues with Counseling ethics. I move on...I just go. And that's not like me. I live life actively, meaning, I think about it and consider where I'm going. I don't just...endure like this.
But that's what I'm doing now. I'm just going on.
Life goes on as I see people I love slip through my hands, people feign my friendship and those who seek to understand me understand less and less of me.
I suppose the best thing I can do for myself now is reflect on what I don't understand. I suppose when you're not reflecting on what's going on, the only way to not be stagnant is to reflect on your reflections. These are mine:
Things I don't understand
- How a good friend whom I love a lot can so easily avoid my honest attempts to reach out and help
- How people I've known who are so good and pure could be corrupted so completely
- How people can seek pleasure so adamantly without realizing this means they obviously haven't found it
- How so many of my friendships could have looked to last forever when they really only lasted a short time
- How so many people can ignore what I'm trying to say because they'd rather remain the same than face the truth
- How tolerance can be taught to be a higher value than human dignity
- How people can seek something so strongly and reject it when it shows itself
- How manhood can go from something so wonderful as courage, dignity, honor, and integrity, to being an ideal based on physical characteristics and sexual promiscuity
- How women can be so easily seduced by an ideal based on seeing themselves as only free if they love anyone but themselves
- How fallacies and false ideals can become true when they become fashionable, and the truth can be equated with hatred as soon as it becomes unpopular
|An image of courage and dignity|
There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to think and understand.