Saturday, March 26, 2011

People like me...

...Aren't meant for this kind of life.

I hate being busy with...everything.

Granted, it's not all about me, but as I told a friend the other day...people like me are meant to be frolicking in flowers and looking at stars. I feel like I'm a child that's been forced to work in a factory, when really I should be playing with finger paints.

In the hectic struggle to plan and realize the rest of my life, I'm left feeling pretty squashed. Suppressed. Caged bird. I feel like I could be more like myself if only I didn't have anything to worry about.

I expect in response to this I'll be looked down upon as simple-minded. "Everyone wants those things, Jay." Well, that may be true, but you're not me and you don't feel it in the same way.

The stress of trying to make these important choices under a tight deadline hurts, but it's so much worse because none of the choices seem perfect. I suppose that's just another cross to bear.

I've discovered that I don't know what it's like to have close friends anymore. The other day, a great person told me they'd like to become better friends. That was exciting until I realized I no longer knew what I needed to do. I don't know how to grow in friendship with him any further.

In my efforts to become best friends with everyone, I've actually just made everyone a friendly acquaintance, with a few exceptions (my girlfriend being a large one). I've spread myself thin. Now, I have many people I can talk to about things, but I can't point to anyone anymore and say that they are one of my best friends...not really. I don't hang out with anyone more than anyone else, besides my girlfriend. And now I don't know how to. I don't have time, and I don't know how to let go or who to let go of.

I'm anticipating some objections. First of all, yes, of course there are people I like better than others, some of whom are probably reading this post. Second of all, yes, there are people I've known longer and am a bit closer to than others. But really, who can say that they, without a doubt, spend more time with me than anyone else? One person, whom I do not need to repeat. Is that the way my friendships are supposed to be? I'm close to some people but spend the same amount of time with everyone? Friendships are a life-sharing thing. There are people who know more about me than anyone else, and I've experienced amazing things with, but right now...can I truly say they are a large part of my life anymore, when we talk only in passing and spend an hour together once in a long while?

A friend from high school called me recently to tell me how he much he valued my friendship and would do anything for me. It was such a nice thing to hear, but the reason he called was because he felt like we were fading apart. I told him we weren't - I just didn't have time to go back home to spend time with him. But really...what kind of friend am I if I don't spend time with him? Am I really his friend? Do I really have to let all these friendships go? There is more to friendships than longevity, but something seems awful about not having any friendship carry for most of your doesn't seem right.

A compliment I am often given is that I am friendly and welcoming to everyone. But maybe I could still be friendly but devote my energy to a few people, instead of always trying to make new friends and get to know everyone. By trying to get to know everyone I've ended up knowing a little about many.

I just feel like it would be better to have a small group of close friends, rather than my large group of friends, orbiting around my busy life...

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was to know you now as I will in heaven, friend.

No comments:

Post a Comment