Monday, January 14, 2013

On shrinking ground.

"The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all."

Funny how my world has shrunk.

Not long ago, if I felt comfortable complaining about my life (I rarely do anymore), I would have probably whined about not having a girlfriend after all my effort at courtship, perhaps not having the friends I want or the family I want. Perhaps I might have said I wish I had more time to read or something of that nature.

Now, all I want is three meals a day, a little more sleep, and just one person to talk to every day.

At this point all I want to do is make it through grad school and move on to somewhere I can find a little peace. A few weeks ago I also would have told you school was the only thing in my life going pretty well - now I don't have that anymore. I got chewed up and spit out and now I'm questioning my ability to even be a counselor...not because of counseling but because of paperwork related to counseling. I'd say it was pathetic except that seems too shallow a term.

I have one thing, though, and that's the consolation that I've already done things I never thought I could do. In fact, I never thought I'd be capable of taking on as much work as I've done and still lived. Really. I was convinced I'd kill myself long before I got to this point, and here I am. Chugging along. Doing what I thought was impossible for someone like me.

Knowing what I'm capable of now, and knowing how I've consistently done what I thought I couldn't several times in the past few years, makes me feel pretty good. It's probably what I'm holding on to most at this point, as everything else has proved to be slippery ground.

Friend of mine happened to mention he felt my attitude to be "survival mode." As if it were a bad thing...Well, I suppose it would be better to really enjoy life. But that's not all what life is. Right now I am in "sink or swim" territory. Adapt or die. I will not easily get another chance at what I'm doing - perhaps not another chance at all. I need to work hard, get through this semester, graduate and get a job. That's it. What I'm doing now is what I must do. I can't let the opposite sex, friendships, family, or anything else like that get in the way. I just can't.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for higher ground.


  1. Jay, you're a fantastic writer. You're going to write something that the whole world will see one day. You've been an inspiration to me for years, and I'm just letting you know that you'll always be a positive influence to everyone that you meet. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

    ~An old Runescape friend

    1. Thank you "Old RuneScape friend." Whoever you are, I really appreciate what you have to say. I really needed to hear it.