Saturday, July 9, 2011

People always fight in relationships.

It's unavoidable.

It may seem like something that is obvious to all the relationship experts out there, but to me this is news. I guess I somehow thought that if you found the right person you would have arguments...very rarely. Oh, naive me.

Well, needless to say my girlfriend and I do fight sometimes. Usually not very heatedly, but it still hurts. And you know what? It just happens. To everyone. More and more I accidentally witness other couples fighting...I even see videos online about fights in relationships.

My girlfriend and I watched an animated video together about a true story of a man and woman fighting over things like taking off shoes and renting a video. Trivial things. It was a bit eye-opening - I could see my behaviors and her behaviors played out before my eyes...The back and forth "No, I'll give in, no I'll give in, well, I really don't care" or the "You just don't get it!" moments...and for once, I could sit back and see everything from the third-person perspective, and understand. It is really a communication thing. And in the end, the more you understand the miscommunication, the more you realize just how trivial some arguments are.

If you seek a relationship with someone, it doesn't really matter who it is. Eventually you're going to find something about them that just bothers you and makes you mad or frustrated.

However, the more fights I get into with my girlfriend, trivial or otherwise, the better I understand why they happen. So long as we talk about the argument later, it seems like each time it happens again, I learn something about how I can "clean up the mess," so to speak, or even better - avoid them altogether. See, after this much time with her I no longer see our arguments as a possible reason to break up. I see them as a reason why we're meant to be together.

I have learned patience from my girlfriend; I have learned that when she is quiet and stone-faced, she is upset, and is just trying to find the words for how she feels, and that I just have to wait for when she's ready to talk about it. I have learned humility from her; I have learned that I need to apologize and show I love her first, and then share why I never really meant to do wrong to her later. I have become better. That matters more in a relationship than any argument.

I think if we just kept arguing without ever understanding each other and learning something, even if we talked about it afterwards, that might be a red flag.

As it is though, I think things are alright. Even when we get in a fight everyday. Because really, I think it's about how you solve arguments together. Not how you have them.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to understand her.


  1. This is a really great way to look at things. Thank you :)