Railroaded.

"Maybe it's time to change...And leave it all behind! I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try. So why does it feel so wrong, to reach for something more...to wanna live a better life? What am I waiting for? 'Cause nothing stays the same. Maybe it's time to change."

I feel like many of the changes and choices I've made in the past year and a half were not my own. My career has never been my primary concern in life (perhaps a fault) but yet, in the past year and a half I've completely changed my career path, and made it a reality...almost effortlessly. I applied to a competitive program late and got in...two years later, I'm going to graduate. I passed both my major exams to become a counselor, with barely any effort. I've been getting congratulated on passing them, but honestly...I barely studied. How did I succeed?

Yet, the things I've put the most effort into the last six years have been mostly unsuccessful. The things I chose for myself, the things I wanted most were always out of reach. My career was always something off in the corner...a necessary burden. But yet, I've succeeded in that effortlessly.

It feels like a path has been chosen for me. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am. It seems like just yesterday, I planned to ask my girlfriend to marry me within months, find a job in English, and keep in touch with all my friends...two and a half years later, I don't have any plans at all, but it looks like somehow I'm going to go off alone to a distant city to be a counselor with no plans to date anyone ever again. I could have never planned this. In fact, I didn't. This wasn't the plan at all, and I have done barely anything at all to push it this way. Quite the opposite. I've fought it every step of the way, laying down my own plans...good plans. I was very methodical, very intentional in everything I did. Yet here I am.

I accept this, now. I don't like it, but I accept it. My good friends tell me I should like it. I agree, I wish I could. I wish I could want what God apparently wants to give to me. But I don't. I don't yet understand or know how to want something that I don't really want. I'm just not there.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to unrail.

All that I am.

The only way to be great, is to be a part of something great.

The real tragedy of selfishness, I think, is not that it results in too much goodness for the self but too little. In the grand scheme of things, one person's effort is very little. I have learned through trial and error that everything I do for myself always comes up short. That's why after my last post, I actually changed my mind. Being a part of something greater is worth more than the sum of all of the personal reasons I had.

When I put forth effort to make myself great, all I ever really do is just attempt to feed a desire that can't be fed by myself. It is only when what meager gifts I have to offer are given in love to others that I am actually able to spread myself out into something greater. While I alone am small, together, many people are something great. And by being a part of that, I am great, too.

That is what makes life so grand. That is why God demands so much of us. In the end, the love we give is the love we receive. When I make someone else smile in whatever way I can, I also feel loved. Even when I am very upset and feel like life has been really unfair to me, if I can still make myself small and put others forth, all of that is erased. I diminish, and so do my worries. Others joys can become mine.

This is my only true pleasure in life, which is why I am dedicating it to the pursuit of healing and happiness in other people (my career). I only regret that it really took me so long to realize that the problem was not that others weren't doing enough for me, but I wasn't doing enough for others. In fact, it could never be enough.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to give over myself.

You are meant to be a frog.

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives." It's a good quote because it's true, and none the worse for having been quoted many times before.

I can't hold off posting any longer. I've been too busy to post but it seems if I try to go without posting any longer my head won't be able to contain all my thoughts anymore before I start forgetting.

My girlfriend and I were talking to a friend last night and the topic was almost entirely centered around God no longer being the center of people's lives. It's not something people feel comfortable talking about anymore. The public at-large either has no thoughts about God or puts God in a little box and sets it aside as another part of their life that has little to do with the rest of it. It's sad that when you're in the company of people you know, God is often the least likely thing we can talk about...because it's the thing we have least in common.

I lead a small group of men in discussion about faith every week. The program is called Awakening Faith and it's designed to get Catholics who are at different places in their faith life to grow more and really think about it. Our culture is a busy culture, full of distractions and short attention spans. I take my group of about five guys and go into a room set aside at the parish for such activities and just talk for usually about 90 minutes about REAL stuff. No sports, no weather, no "I did this and that" talk. Real talk.

So far it's been great. I feel like everyone is participating and really thinking about where God is in their life, whether or not He is important or even real. I pulled out an analogy the other day that I often use to help people who, like myself, did not understand the big picture of the faith. It's not just a set of rules and a religion. It's the whole meaning of life.

We are all like tadpoles in a pond. We have our tadpole stuff, our tadpole cell-phone, our tadpole computer, our tadpole friends and family...we like being tadpoles and don't want to stop being tadpoles. We don't think about anything but our tadpole life. However, eventually we grow arms and legs...we become frogs and we have to leave. And we consider this a scary prospect. "It's so morbid to think about becoming a frog," we say. "Just stay focused on your tadpole life and have a lot of tadpole fun. The pond we live in is a beautiful place and it's all that matters."

But that's not true. It's a lie. We are meant to be frogs. It's the purpose of our tadpole existence to grow into big, beautiful frogs, moving out into the vastness of the world beyond the pond.

We are put on this earth to become perfected. We are imperfect beings loved by a perfect being who wants to marry us. But this being, God, is not a rapist. He is a true lover...he won't take us home with Him if we don't want to. He left things in the world like mountains and meadows, flowers, earthly marriage, cookies, etc. to give us a small taste of life with Him. They're like little gifts he is giving to his girlfriend, the Church (us). If we get to know God and move forward in love with Him, we'll be truly happy, because He is our true love.

But if we fall in love with the things of this world instead, well...like a true lover, though He knows that we're meant to be with Him, and that we'll be truly happy with Him, He will respect that and break up with us. God doesn't send us to Hell, we send ourselves there. Hell is simply eternal separation from God...and that's what the pain of Hell is. And the pleasure of Heaven is his eternal presence. Earth is just somewhere in the middle...a dating ground for God.

That's why it's so important to have your faith to be not just a part of your life but all of your life. It's the purpose of your existence to grow into relationship with God where you will be truly happy...not just chasing after the pleasures of this world that are just a shadow of what God is like.

"I came that you might have life, and live it to the fullest," says Jesus. What? You mean the Church isn't down on fun? Yes, that's right. The Church teaches that God wants you to be happy. And true happiness, not temporary false happiness caused by chasing after temporary worldly joys, is found in growing to be perfect - to be a saint! Of course, we'll never be perfect...but it is in the journey to perfection, not the destination, that we find redemption. The job is finished after we die...so long as our striving was genuine.

My girlfriend and I agree that we must strive to have real conversation...about God and faith. It must be the center of our lives and our thoughts, because if it's not, we'll simply be floating along like so many others, focused on the world. The reason she and I are dating is not because she is a good person, a gentlelady, is nice to me, gets along with me, etc. Those things are nice and pretty important for us to get along, of course. However, the most important thing, the most vital part of our relationship in which all other things about us are nothing, is that I believe she is the best person to help me reach heaven. We are dating to find out if this is true...praying and asking God if it's true. If we get married, that will be our acknowledgment that it is. If not, it will be upsetting but no great loss compared to the risk of each other bringing us away from God. Because if we did not share the same faith, I strongly believe that is what would happen. She can't bring me forward if she's behind me. I can't bring her forward if I'm behind her. Only if we are hand-in-hand in faith can our relationship be one founded in Christ.

The one thing, the ONLY thing, we absolutely have to do on this earth, spoke a very wise man in my Awakening Faith group, is die. It's the only thing we have no choice about. Everyone dies. But not everyone finds true happiness, their purpose in life.

God is that purpose.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for unity in the purpose of Heaven.

I see me through you.

I don't often say nice things about myself.

I had an unusually cheerful day yesterday. I saw a friend in the morning who really put me in good spirits. I've had a lot of problems with this friend in the past, which is a true tragedy because of how alike we are and what we've both done on behalf of the other out of friendship love. But in our conversation I think we reached many moments of catharsis which made sense out of many of the hurts and misunderstandings of the past year. It made my whole day bright.

A highlight of the afternoon was giving blood. I felt so good; I went in with a big smile on my face. The nurse who examined me was complimenting the quality of my health/blood and it made me giggle. The whole time I was there, talking to people, I felt like I spread happiness like a contagion. I had too much - it overflowed. The nurses were even compelled to take a picture of me: because I was giving double red (which makes you very cold) I put my gloves and hat on, and a coat and blanket to stay warm. Apparently that's not common. One of the nurses commented on my smile when she took the picture. It was the best experience I ever had giving blood.

Later that day my girlfriend took me out to dinner. No real special occasion, other than being another day with her. She gave me a present and a card, and made me open the present first. It was a book I let her borrow - I found that hilarious! The card was very sweet. It made me tear up a little bit. All in all, she was very good to me. She always is.

It's hard now to imagine a time in my life where people did not think well of me, and I tended to agree that I wasn't worth much. I read a blog by a friend where she describes being bullied when she was younger. It reminded me of long ago when I was in much the same situation. I was not well-liked when I was younger. I only ever had one or two friends and my family and I were never really close. My friend writes about how she dealt with these problems, and I find that we dealt with it all in much the same way - by taking our minds somewhere far away. It's a really good thing we're friends. I don't have a lot of people who know what being bullied is like.

I don't need to repeat how I've made bad decisions in life. It's written all over elsewhere in my blog. But because of those things I find it easy to see myself not as I am but as a person who is just a rehabilitated version of the old self. I believe something changed when I finally surpassed my limitations caused by my emotional dependencies and my spiritual ineptitude. It took a while but I think I am beginning to see the good that others see in me. That's what happened yesterday. I saw my own smile through other's eyes. I listened to myself speak with other's ears. I enjoyed being who I really was, the joyful and friendly person that I am. It's hard to even type this paragraph. It feels arrogant and forced. But it's true and it would only be false humility if I were to hide it.

I will try to see myself through your eyes, Lord. My friends help.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for the eyes of love for all to see.

"My sister, my bride..."

True love not only wants to sacrifice, but enjoys it.

So, I have a couple of adopted sisters who live down the road. I love these girls so much and I've only known them for a month. Fun fact: I rarely enjoy cooking...but for whatever reason, I felt really excited to make something for these girls, since they were hungry at 10 PM...what a bunch of weirdos. Well, I was hungry too, so perhaps I shouldn't talk.

Anyways, it took a while for me to figure out why I enjoyed it so much. I mean, I hate cooking for myself unless I haven't done it in a while, in which case it's only a moderately fun activity. I thought of a story a friend told me...when he was younger, his mother basically spent every waking moment of her day serving her family. My friend couldn't figure out how she could stand it...she never did anything for herself. When he got older, he realized that his mother actually ENJOYED it. She loved her family so much that all the busy work she did for them was her joy in life. How wonderful a thing to happen to me! For me to love my sisters so much that I'd enjoy doing something I hate just because I could help them in a small way!

Anyone not versed in the Song of Songs from the Bible may not recognize the title quote. It's part of a statement made by the bridegroom in this...book of erotic love poetry...in the middle of the Bible...yes I'm serious. Anyway, he says something about how beautiful his bride is and then calls her his sister...And if you don't think too deeply into it, you're likely to say something to the effect of..."WHAT?" Don't worry, she's not ACTUALLY his sister.

But think about it. If a man truly loves a woman chastely, he treats her like a sister FIRST. A brother is fiercely protective of his sister...he would do almost anything for her, and he certainly doesn't think of taking advantage of her womanhood. If only we men were all like the bridegroom! Thinking of potential lovers as sisters first, and only later as brides! Well...obviously tonight I have in some way shown my love as a brother...what a beautiful start! ;-)

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that the human family would all be united in true love.

Dreams have come to life.

"...Sam lay back, and stared with open mouth, and for a moment, between bewilderment and great joy, he could not answer. At last he gasped: 'Gandalf! I thought you were dead! But then I thought I was dead myself. Is everything sad going to come untrue? What's happened to the world?'"

This, my friends, is how I feel, and I'm posting late at night so I can put it down before I forget exactly what I wanted to say.

Life nowadays is like a waking dream. I keep wondering when I'm going to wake up and the dream just keeps going on. It's as if I decided what I'd like my life to be like and it just came true. Why did God choose to bless me this way? I may never know. What I do know is that all the pain I've experienced in life has led me to this point...I've never appreciated pain so much in my life. It has brought me here to this land of dreams.

I've never been called perfect before in my life, nor has anyone ever said they were excited to do something as simple as getting coffee with me, but I've now heard both, and more yet, in one night. It was so cold out, but walking with the wonderful woman who said that to me...I felt warm. I think I'd still be out there walking with her now if it weren't for the fact that if I weren't going to bed soon, I probably wouldn't wake up for morning prayer.

I find it funny in a wonderful sort of way that she and I were thinking the same things about each other these past few weeks: Why would someone so wonderful like me? They probably don't...All without knowing the other thought the same thing. How close we were to missing something beautiful.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream is becoming real.

Why, God...WHY??

Why are you so good to me? :)

To think that only a few weeks ago I was practically wishing for death, and now everything is turning around. And I really don't deserve much. In fact, if you, the reader, knew everything about me, you might say that God has very good reasons to punish me.

But that's not the way God works. Consistently throughout my life, He has worked to bring me back towards Him. He has, time and time again, turned my blunders into blessings. I'm completely in awe at how everything has worked out.

I guess that's really all I have to say today. :)

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that all could see the wonderful mercy and love of God.