A Life for the Other.

The happiest times of my life have always been the times I was living for others.

I don’t mean that others were the only things I was living for…there have always been reasons to live even if there wasn’t any real love of life to speak of. What I mean is that I have been happiest when I was wanted and “needed” by others. The times when I knew that certain people would notice if I weren’t there – that they would miss me while I was gone.

I know that people say they miss me. But few show it. I never feel missed unless someone shows it. It is not enough for me – or maybe not for anyone – to say “I miss you.” If you miss someone, do you reach out for them? Invite them back into your life? No? Then you do not really miss them.

Right now I feel as though I am really only living for myself. I am not necessary. When I get money, I spend it on myself. I have no one else to spend it on. When I have time, I spend it for myself. I have no one else to spend time on. Even when I’m with other people, I am not necessary for the party. It would go on if I were not there. I once thought it would be enough to simply be invited out by a friend once in a while. Now I know that is not true – it only hurt to be left out. What is really desired by me is to know that I am wanted by a person for who I am.

I know that I am at least liked by others (if not wanted), but I do not think they know who I am. I know they think they know, but what they know of me is really a shadow of my real self – or a caricature. They fill in for what they do not know. To really know me, someone has to ask about the things that I think and feel and attempt to understand. And who does that? Whether because of habit or the intimidating task of the act, no one I know right now really does.

Does this mean I want romance? I do not know. This one thing is what makes me doubt my intentional avoidance of any relationships. For on the one hand, I know that I feel some acute stress every time I think about dating, and feel disgusted every time I imagine myself dating anyone anymore, but on the other, I know I want to be loved just like anyone else. I don’t want to lie in wait for love to fall on me, as if love is crammed behind a closet door, waiting for someone to open it so it can tumble all over. That’s not the way it works. But I can’t bring myself to care enough to change anything.

What I do know is what I always know – how I feel. And right now I can handle this feeling just fine. It’s unpleasant, like a dull ache that an aspirin can’t cure, but tolerable. But whether by choice, or chance, or the long decay of time I know that will change. And I know that I am stubborn enough to hold to suffering rather than let go of bitterness.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream of loving loneliness.

Continuity of life.

I've been contemplating something lately.

I've been very happy here in my new home. There are easily multiple reasons for this: financial security, routine, the dignity of work, new friends, the excitement of relearning how to live and have fun. And I do have lots of fun.

But I think there has been a hidden reason, one that came to me after conversations with two friends. Both of them are old friends, both of them I enjoy talking to, but the difference between them is that after talking to one, I feel happy, and after the other, I feel sad. I think neither of them read this blog, which is why I feel safe saying this. But I talk to a lot of people...maybe they'll not know for sure who I mean.

Regardless, because of my history with one of them I always reminisce about what passed between us...and with the other, I reminisce because that is our relationship and what we talk about. The combination made me think about how life had gotten where it is now. I realized not only that I was not yet over what happened between my friend and I, but that I had forgotten about it for a time while I've been here. In fact, I've started to think of my life here as a new life, and not a continuation of the old. I broke the continuity in my mind, and so the painful, hurtful past felt like it never happened.

But I can't forget the mistakes and the silly things I've chosen to do in pursuing what I saw as my future. The future was never mine to choose even with all my effort - God had already picked one out for me that I clearly love. So be it. How do I keep this future bright?

I had already chosen to fast from dating for a time, likely several months, before I moved here. Recently I've added the decision that my new attitude towards dating is that I would avoid it altogether even after the fast is over. Since this future I'm living happened to me through God forcing it on me, and all of my failures were due to my efforts to prevent a future God planned for me, why not apply this to dating, and avoid women altogether? Whomever I am meant to be with will be thrust upon me whether I like it or not, and I can save myself the pain I put myself through over and over again.

Still, it's not a comfortable way to do things. I wonder if I've gone too far. I wonder a great many things. And this wonder has reduced me to silence the past few days. Thinking about this, thinking about my old life and my new life, and how it is really one life and I'm the same fool I've always been. I made my new friends uncomfortable a few days by saying almost nothing. It's eye-opening to discover by their discomfort how much I actually talk in a group of people when I am struck silent by my thoughts.

I wonder if I'll ever really figure out the grand scheme of this life, and how to get where I'm going.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to contemplate the stream of this life.

Things that are OK.

I am OK.

Just OK, though. Not especially good. But not especially bad, either.

I went to a job interview today. I was worried about it, but it wound up being pretty easy. Too easy. In fact, that was the only good thing about today. I did OK at an interview.

Everything else was pretty bad. I ended up not visiting anyone I wanted to visit in Cincinnati. I'm pretty sure the place I interviewed at is a terrible job where they treat you like cattle and work you to death until you quit or get fired. Is that what I worked all this time for? To get in a job like that?

My little brother has a girlfriend now. She's nice, I like her. They are both great together. They seem happy. I hope they are together for a long time. I thought I would be jealous of his happiness but I'm not. I'm just OK. I'm OK with the fact that nothing seems to really work out for me and that I've given up on dating relationships for...I don't know. As long as it takes for it to be OK to date again...or try to.

Why am I OK with these things? I don't know that I am. I just feel OK. I can think about all the people I can't call but I wish would call me and then just...not think about it for a while. I'm not numb. I'm just acclimated to this stuff.

Before long I'll have to decide where to go from here. What do I do with my life? I suck air and eat food and drink water and go on. I do the best I can do with what I have. I feel nihilistic but I try to think Catholic. I hold on to hope. Sometimes.

What else can I do?

There was a dream that I dreamed, an OK dream.

Shadow and Flame.

"You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum. Shadow and flame."

I have entitled this post "Shadow and Flame" because it is about as close to an overall theme as I think I can get. Sometimes when I start these posts I'm not really certain at all what they're going to be about. Hence, the shadow. But there are some strong feelings circling around (most of them now my own) so I shall call that the flame.

First, the shadow. I'll be brief since I've discussed this in detail before...I suppose the best summary of my feelings about where my personal life is going is "I have no idea." It seems as though the more I try to make my world revolve around God, the more strongly the current pushes me to abandon that and revolve around what I will simply and succinctly dub "female drama" (no questions please) OR meaningless and unfounded anxieties. That latter bit is perfectly summarized in last week's post. One long anxiety attack over a conversation with a friend. Things have, as I really knew all along, turned out fine.

Now we are getting to the flame. I suppose I should start by saying that my personality is "shifting" for the fifth time in four years. It seems like every time this happens I go a little insane. Case in point: freaking out because I was worried I wasn't able to stop counseling people and would lose all my friends by either offending them with directive counseling techniques or by making them into clients.

Yes, this happened.

The flame: my dating fast ends this Sunday. What will I do? Whatever. I'm actually pretty serious about that. I will do whatever I will do, and let God be my guide. I'm not worried - not because I earnestly believe I have nothing to worry about, but because I don't want to worry and rationally speaking there is no real use or purpose for worrying. Whatever comes, comes. Whatever goes, goes. That is my earnest conclusion from all the mistakes I've ever made concerning relationships.

Everything is fine, because on the inside I have the joy no one can take from me. Peace.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for light and warmth.

On crushes.

I told someone the other day that I don't like having secrets and I have very few of them, and these sorts of blog posts are further evidence.

It seems despite my reasonable and genuine desire to remain single for a while, I can't avoid having the singular nuisance of "getting crushes." Before you waste time reading this post to find out who, keep in mind that I wish to ignore these feelings, rather than give them credit. Disclosing who they are will get me no further towards that goal. (Also, if you try to guess who they are, you will most likely be wrong. My true emotions are a lot more discrete these days.)

I like to remind myself that there is actually a hormone released by the brain when you "get crushes" that leads you to feel like someone is more similar to you than they actually are. Fascinating, isn't it?

I also like to remind myself of the amazingly frequent deception caused by my feelings/emotions. Responding to those now would be like buying something from the same conman who's tricked you into buying junk for the hundredth time!

I'm not often good at following my own advice, and I know what I would tell myself at this point. Still, sometimes it's hard to judge the line between doing what I would normally do and responding to a feeling. To simply avoid all women would be a bit drastic as most of my friends, because of the demographics around here, are women. That would be pretty lonely.

Another obstacle here is the fact that I can't control other people having crushes on me. Not only that, but if they're not aggressive like some women *cough cough*, I can't really tell if they do. The obvious ones are easy because I can just avoid them, but the others just appear to me as if they really like me as a friend. I'm oblivious!!

I think it would be unwise for me to not develop friendships with women at all for the next two-three+ months that I won't be dating anyone, since after that I'm quite sure if I did pursue someone it would be someone I've already been good friends with for a long time, to avoid past mistakes.

Pray for me that I may pursue my vocation as a single man until I'm ready to date again.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for good judgement of the heart.

Real love.

I am so in love.

You would think that by now, after 8 months of dating, I would think this is obvious, but it's not. Really not.

My girlfriend is a very special creature. She is intelligent, creative, generous, kind and beautiful. She is really wonderful to me. And I can't believe how long it took me to really understand that.

See, when I thought a relationship would be good, I thought it would be easy at least most of the time. What I found out lately is that good relationships, truly good ones, are the HARDEST. It's been a really difficult 8 months.

I think I discovered that what kept me bonded to her is the realization that she really, truly, is good for me and loves me in a way that no one else can. I can't discern her by asking "what if?" but I can by asking "why not?" I am a selfish person and have selfish desires for my girlfriend. I want her to talk to me in certain ways and accept all the imperfections I have. But what I really need is to learn to let simple things go and really know that I am loved for who I am AND for who I could be if I could just simply let go of my own desires and appreciate what I have in my girlfriend.

It's a conversion, you see. I wanted to hang on to who I was. But She has given me the realization that I could be someone else who was greater...and she was the key. And not only that, I realized it was actually pretty fun. It was only wearisome because I wished to refuse her. But now I understand her qualities are not only good but endearing her to me. They are what I really want. A sinner loves his vices and hates virtue, while a saint hates his vices and loves virtue. A selfish lover only loves those who please him and hates those who call him to more, while a true lover loves everyone but especially those who call them to become better lovers.

My girlfriend is a true lover, and she's converting me.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for true love.

People always fight in relationships.

It's unavoidable.

It may seem like something that is obvious to all the relationship experts out there, but to me this is news. I guess I somehow thought that if you found the right person you would have arguments...very rarely. Oh, naive me.

Well, needless to say my girlfriend and I do fight sometimes. Usually not very heatedly, but it still hurts. And you know what? It just happens. To everyone. More and more I accidentally witness other couples fighting...I even see videos online about fights in relationships.

My girlfriend and I watched an animated video together about a true story of a man and woman fighting over things like taking off shoes and renting a video. Trivial things. It was a bit eye-opening - I could see my behaviors and her behaviors played out before my eyes...The back and forth "No, I'll give in, no I'll give in, well, I really don't care" or the "You just don't get it!" moments...and for once, I could sit back and see everything from the third-person perspective, and understand. It is really a communication thing. And in the end, the more you understand the miscommunication, the more you realize just how trivial some arguments are.

If you seek a relationship with someone, it doesn't really matter who it is. Eventually you're going to find something about them that just bothers you and makes you mad or frustrated.

However, the more fights I get into with my girlfriend, trivial or otherwise, the better I understand why they happen. So long as we talk about the argument later, it seems like each time it happens again, I learn something about how I can "clean up the mess," so to speak, or even better - avoid them altogether. See, after this much time with her I no longer see our arguments as a possible reason to break up. I see them as a reason why we're meant to be together.

I have learned patience from my girlfriend; I have learned that when she is quiet and stone-faced, she is upset, and is just trying to find the words for how she feels, and that I just have to wait for when she's ready to talk about it. I have learned humility from her; I have learned that I need to apologize and show I love her first, and then share why I never really meant to do wrong to her later. I have become better. That matters more in a relationship than any argument.

I think if we just kept arguing without ever understanding each other and learning something, even if we talked about it afterwards, that might be a red flag.

As it is though, I think things are alright. Even when we get in a fight everyday. Because really, I think it's about how you solve arguments together. Not how you have them.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to understand her.

You are meant to be a frog.

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives." It's a good quote because it's true, and none the worse for having been quoted many times before.

I can't hold off posting any longer. I've been too busy to post but it seems if I try to go without posting any longer my head won't be able to contain all my thoughts anymore before I start forgetting.

My girlfriend and I were talking to a friend last night and the topic was almost entirely centered around God no longer being the center of people's lives. It's not something people feel comfortable talking about anymore. The public at-large either has no thoughts about God or puts God in a little box and sets it aside as another part of their life that has little to do with the rest of it. It's sad that when you're in the company of people you know, God is often the least likely thing we can talk about...because it's the thing we have least in common.

I lead a small group of men in discussion about faith every week. The program is called Awakening Faith and it's designed to get Catholics who are at different places in their faith life to grow more and really think about it. Our culture is a busy culture, full of distractions and short attention spans. I take my group of about five guys and go into a room set aside at the parish for such activities and just talk for usually about 90 minutes about REAL stuff. No sports, no weather, no "I did this and that" talk. Real talk.

So far it's been great. I feel like everyone is participating and really thinking about where God is in their life, whether or not He is important or even real. I pulled out an analogy the other day that I often use to help people who, like myself, did not understand the big picture of the faith. It's not just a set of rules and a religion. It's the whole meaning of life.

We are all like tadpoles in a pond. We have our tadpole stuff, our tadpole cell-phone, our tadpole computer, our tadpole friends and family...we like being tadpoles and don't want to stop being tadpoles. We don't think about anything but our tadpole life. However, eventually we grow arms and legs...we become frogs and we have to leave. And we consider this a scary prospect. "It's so morbid to think about becoming a frog," we say. "Just stay focused on your tadpole life and have a lot of tadpole fun. The pond we live in is a beautiful place and it's all that matters."

But that's not true. It's a lie. We are meant to be frogs. It's the purpose of our tadpole existence to grow into big, beautiful frogs, moving out into the vastness of the world beyond the pond.

We are put on this earth to become perfected. We are imperfect beings loved by a perfect being who wants to marry us. But this being, God, is not a rapist. He is a true lover...he won't take us home with Him if we don't want to. He left things in the world like mountains and meadows, flowers, earthly marriage, cookies, etc. to give us a small taste of life with Him. They're like little gifts he is giving to his girlfriend, the Church (us). If we get to know God and move forward in love with Him, we'll be truly happy, because He is our true love.

But if we fall in love with the things of this world instead, well...like a true lover, though He knows that we're meant to be with Him, and that we'll be truly happy with Him, He will respect that and break up with us. God doesn't send us to Hell, we send ourselves there. Hell is simply eternal separation from God...and that's what the pain of Hell is. And the pleasure of Heaven is his eternal presence. Earth is just somewhere in the middle...a dating ground for God.

That's why it's so important to have your faith to be not just a part of your life but all of your life. It's the purpose of your existence to grow into relationship with God where you will be truly happy...not just chasing after the pleasures of this world that are just a shadow of what God is like.

"I came that you might have life, and live it to the fullest," says Jesus. What? You mean the Church isn't down on fun? Yes, that's right. The Church teaches that God wants you to be happy. And true happiness, not temporary false happiness caused by chasing after temporary worldly joys, is found in growing to be perfect - to be a saint! Of course, we'll never be perfect...but it is in the journey to perfection, not the destination, that we find redemption. The job is finished after we die...so long as our striving was genuine.

My girlfriend and I agree that we must strive to have real conversation...about God and faith. It must be the center of our lives and our thoughts, because if it's not, we'll simply be floating along like so many others, focused on the world. The reason she and I are dating is not because she is a good person, a gentlelady, is nice to me, gets along with me, etc. Those things are nice and pretty important for us to get along, of course. However, the most important thing, the most vital part of our relationship in which all other things about us are nothing, is that I believe she is the best person to help me reach heaven. We are dating to find out if this is true...praying and asking God if it's true. If we get married, that will be our acknowledgment that it is. If not, it will be upsetting but no great loss compared to the risk of each other bringing us away from God. Because if we did not share the same faith, I strongly believe that is what would happen. She can't bring me forward if she's behind me. I can't bring her forward if I'm behind her. Only if we are hand-in-hand in faith can our relationship be one founded in Christ.

The one thing, the ONLY thing, we absolutely have to do on this earth, spoke a very wise man in my Awakening Faith group, is die. It's the only thing we have no choice about. Everyone dies. But not everyone finds true happiness, their purpose in life.

God is that purpose.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for unity in the purpose of Heaven.

Full sail ahead.

I'm not in a relationship, I'm in a relation ship.

Dating is like a sailboat. Your ultimate destination is marriage, and if you decide you're not meant to be together, you simply jump ship. Otherwise, you sail ahead - sometimes your sails are full of wind, and sometimes you have little, or you're stuck in the doldrums. Sometimes you hit rough waters, or even stormy weather. Sometimes your ship gets sunk...and when (if?) you finally reach the harbors of marriage, there are still more adventures, happy times, and hardships beyond.

I'd like to say right now my relationship has full sails ahead. We're in what some people call a "honeymoon phase"...for whatever reason I dislike the term but can't think of a better. We get along so well, and we're happy together. But I refuse to be naive - there will be hard times. But that's good. If we can get through them together, then we'll have a deeper relationship afterward, a deeper bond, and a deeper understanding of one another.

I'm beginning to get used to not being single. For a while, this kind of sharing of life with my girlfriend was such a new adventure, something foreign. Now I feel like I'm getting settled. And I like it! I feel comfortable...like I am settling into my well-worn captain's chair. In my last relationship, which was my first "real" relationship, I suppose, the idea of running my life in line with someone else's was scary to me. I think there were two reasons for this: One, I was not ready for a relationship. Two, I was in a relationship with someone I was just simply not meant to be with. I had good intentions and I thought I discerned well, but I was wrong. God was not calling me to that...but He brought good out of it, in the form of some valuable lessons.

But this is different.

My girlfriend and I can talk forever. I can name a couple times where we lost track of time and were talking for hours and hours into the early morning. The only other person I can do this with is my best friend...but HE has known me since I was six. How remarkable.

The way I feel around my girlfriend, I feel like I can always be myself. It seems like I automatically show certain sides of myself around certain people, which I believe is natural for anyone to do, but with her I only feel like me. I am just me, without shame. She loves who I am.

I love her too.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for safe passage for all our ships.

Pure as Snow.

I keep wondering when I'm going to wake up from this wonderful dream, but it keeps going on...

Excuse me for not posting in a while. I do have MUCH to say but I've been without a computer for a while.

So, last Tuesday I was a wreck. I thought I had somehow blown my chances with a very interesting young lady, and I was also very mad at a former friend. I pretty much blew my head off at them and in the most wrathful way possible told them what problems I had with them. It was bad.

Wednesday things were better. I was still nervous and I couldn't get to confession that day. But suddenly, on Thursday, things changed. I prayed to God, asking what I should do. He told me that I should stop being afraid. "Raise me as your shield, and I will give you a life without fear" came to mind. I swear I've never heard that before, so I post it here as word from God Himself! And I took His advice...I had confession, and that night, even though I was still afraid of rejection, I asked a girl friend of mine if she would like to "friendship date" for a while and pray about a relationship. She said yes! Things are going so well, and we're closer than ever.

Snow has begun to fall where I live. It's beautiful to watch...I don't think there is anything physically more pure than falling snow. Icy cold, pure water, fluttering in the wind, untouched. It is water that is purified by evaporation, and once more has the chance to not be mixed with dirt or be drank...

...I was given a confession of sorts recently. It was something I needed to know, but this person was so nervous about what I thought. It makes me think of the snow. It has a chance again to be crystal clear water. Who you are now matters much more than who you once were. I like your past, but I don't want to live there. Run away, my friend. Take my hand, and along with me, be pure as snow...

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that we would all become pure as snow...