A Life for the Other.

The happiest times of my life have always been the times I was living for others.

I don’t mean that others were the only things I was living for…there have always been reasons to live even if there wasn’t any real love of life to speak of. What I mean is that I have been happiest when I was wanted and “needed” by others. The times when I knew that certain people would notice if I weren’t there – that they would miss me while I was gone.

I know that people say they miss me. But few show it. I never feel missed unless someone shows it. It is not enough for me – or maybe not for anyone – to say “I miss you.” If you miss someone, do you reach out for them? Invite them back into your life? No? Then you do not really miss them.

Right now I feel as though I am really only living for myself. I am not necessary. When I get money, I spend it on myself. I have no one else to spend it on. When I have time, I spend it for myself. I have no one else to spend time on. Even when I’m with other people, I am not necessary for the party. It would go on if I were not there. I once thought it would be enough to simply be invited out by a friend once in a while. Now I know that is not true – it only hurt to be left out. What is really desired by me is to know that I am wanted by a person for who I am.

I know that I am at least liked by others (if not wanted), but I do not think they know who I am. I know they think they know, but what they know of me is really a shadow of my real self – or a caricature. They fill in for what they do not know. To really know me, someone has to ask about the things that I think and feel and attempt to understand. And who does that? Whether because of habit or the intimidating task of the act, no one I know right now really does.

Does this mean I want romance? I do not know. This one thing is what makes me doubt my intentional avoidance of any relationships. For on the one hand, I know that I feel some acute stress every time I think about dating, and feel disgusted every time I imagine myself dating anyone anymore, but on the other, I know I want to be loved just like anyone else. I don’t want to lie in wait for love to fall on me, as if love is crammed behind a closet door, waiting for someone to open it so it can tumble all over. That’s not the way it works. But I can’t bring myself to care enough to change anything.

What I do know is what I always know – how I feel. And right now I can handle this feeling just fine. It’s unpleasant, like a dull ache that an aspirin can’t cure, but tolerable. But whether by choice, or chance, or the long decay of time I know that will change. And I know that I am stubborn enough to hold to suffering rather than let go of bitterness.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream of loving loneliness.

Let it be what it is.

Just recently I went on a nearly-week-long trip to Kentucky for the fourth and last time. I think this trip has been one of the best things to happen to me in a while.

It's like a fresh hypo of grace has been injected into my life. My head is clear for the first time in perhaps a year, and now I can look at my life with new eyes.

I think my most recent life lesson is that relationships need to be what they are. What I mean by this is that I have been so afraid of not having relationships or having poor ones...or simply not having the kind of relationship I want with a particular person has caused me to attempt to control them by means of a desperate system of mass invitations to be a part of my life that left me often exhausted and/or disappointed at the results.

With a little time I think I've realized that perhaps my last post was tipped to the opposite end of the scale. I've needed to find my balance, and I think I know what it is now. This week, there were only four other guys in a group of 24 (?) who went to Kentucky. I was literally forced to break my vow of only investing in male friendships. I did rather aggressively bond with my fellow men, but there were also several women that God figuratively dropped in on me that I was meant to be with. God needed me to fill a role, so I did. As always, God has the better idea. So I let those friendships be what they are.

I still have no plans in the near future to engage in any sort of romantic relationship, but I think I want to be more open to God intervening anyway. Which is really no different than what I said in my last post - only God himself will stop me.

Now, though, I am going to strike a balance and let my relationships be what they are. So much stress is taken on by myself and others who attempt to make relationships something when it doesn't matter (and never has mattered) what we have done. Relationships will always be what they are meant to be. Always. It is only up to us to let them be what they are. Is this a friendship? Then be a friend. That's it. No further questions nor actions necessary.

Thank you to everyone who helped me really cut loose and clear my mind. It's been great. I love you all.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream that was what it was.

Shadow and Flame.

"You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum. Shadow and flame."

I have entitled this post "Shadow and Flame" because it is about as close to an overall theme as I think I can get. Sometimes when I start these posts I'm not really certain at all what they're going to be about. Hence, the shadow. But there are some strong feelings circling around (most of them now my own) so I shall call that the flame.

First, the shadow. I'll be brief since I've discussed this in detail before...I suppose the best summary of my feelings about where my personal life is going is "I have no idea." It seems as though the more I try to make my world revolve around God, the more strongly the current pushes me to abandon that and revolve around what I will simply and succinctly dub "female drama" (no questions please) OR meaningless and unfounded anxieties. That latter bit is perfectly summarized in last week's post. One long anxiety attack over a conversation with a friend. Things have, as I really knew all along, turned out fine.

Now we are getting to the flame. I suppose I should start by saying that my personality is "shifting" for the fifth time in four years. It seems like every time this happens I go a little insane. Case in point: freaking out because I was worried I wasn't able to stop counseling people and would lose all my friends by either offending them with directive counseling techniques or by making them into clients.

Yes, this happened.

The flame: my dating fast ends this Sunday. What will I do? Whatever. I'm actually pretty serious about that. I will do whatever I will do, and let God be my guide. I'm not worried - not because I earnestly believe I have nothing to worry about, but because I don't want to worry and rationally speaking there is no real use or purpose for worrying. Whatever comes, comes. Whatever goes, goes. That is my earnest conclusion from all the mistakes I've ever made concerning relationships.

Everything is fine, because on the inside I have the joy no one can take from me. Peace.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for light and warmth.

A Christmas romance.

I have always thought Christmas was the most romantic season. Even when I was a kid and didn't know what that meant.

Long long ago, I would spend hours just watching the Christmas tree glow. We had lights that you could change the settings on, so they would do different things...one was just a soft fade-in, fade-out glowing effect. It was wonderful to watch on the Christmas tree. It struck some kind of special feeling in my child heart that I could not recognize then. It was what I now call the feeling of romance.

Looking out into the night sky, watching a sunset, seeing the snow fall. It's that kind of thing that makes you feel something special is happening...a sense of awe and splendor. I think these moments come especially easy at Christmas time. You have all of those things and more...there's just something about Christmas-time that's romantic. I can't even write about it properly, and I know I don't fully comprehend something when I can't write about it.

So I won't try, and I'll get to my point. When I got older and understood my feelings about Christmas better, I knew I would always want a Christmas romance. Meet a girl at the turn of the season, fall in love walking through the snow, kiss under the soft glow of a Christmas tree. By the grace of God I've been given this. The past few weeks have been full of the best days of my life, and it just keeps getting better. I've found someone who makes me a better and happier person just by being with me and talking with me...and every day I don't think I can possibly love them more, and every day I'm proven wrong.

I wonder if I'm sharing too much...but this is all so good that I don't want to keep it to myself. Thus it is with all good things and a generous heart, I suppose?

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that Christmas never lost its romantic touch.