People always fight in relationships.

It's unavoidable.

It may seem like something that is obvious to all the relationship experts out there, but to me this is news. I guess I somehow thought that if you found the right person you would have arguments...very rarely. Oh, naive me.

Well, needless to say my girlfriend and I do fight sometimes. Usually not very heatedly, but it still hurts. And you know what? It just happens. To everyone. More and more I accidentally witness other couples fighting...I even see videos online about fights in relationships.

My girlfriend and I watched an animated video together about a true story of a man and woman fighting over things like taking off shoes and renting a video. Trivial things. It was a bit eye-opening - I could see my behaviors and her behaviors played out before my eyes...The back and forth "No, I'll give in, no I'll give in, well, I really don't care" or the "You just don't get it!" moments...and for once, I could sit back and see everything from the third-person perspective, and understand. It is really a communication thing. And in the end, the more you understand the miscommunication, the more you realize just how trivial some arguments are.

If you seek a relationship with someone, it doesn't really matter who it is. Eventually you're going to find something about them that just bothers you and makes you mad or frustrated.

However, the more fights I get into with my girlfriend, trivial or otherwise, the better I understand why they happen. So long as we talk about the argument later, it seems like each time it happens again, I learn something about how I can "clean up the mess," so to speak, or even better - avoid them altogether. See, after this much time with her I no longer see our arguments as a possible reason to break up. I see them as a reason why we're meant to be together.

I have learned patience from my girlfriend; I have learned that when she is quiet and stone-faced, she is upset, and is just trying to find the words for how she feels, and that I just have to wait for when she's ready to talk about it. I have learned humility from her; I have learned that I need to apologize and show I love her first, and then share why I never really meant to do wrong to her later. I have become better. That matters more in a relationship than any argument.

I think if we just kept arguing without ever understanding each other and learning something, even if we talked about it afterwards, that might be a red flag.

As it is though, I think things are alright. Even when we get in a fight everyday. Because really, I think it's about how you solve arguments together. Not how you have them.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to understand her.

A hard Lent.

The season of Lent is over, and I feel it necessary to tell something of my experience.

I have had a very special trial this Lent, either by God's choice, diabolical influence, or the twists and turns of my own life. I don't think I have done as good as I could have.

I am reminded this Lent of how far I've really not come after all. How really weak I am. It's a sobering realization.

I don't wish to embark on a tale of woe and false humility and what a depraved human being I am. Any good Christian knows how much we need God and I think it would be a useless gesture to get on the pulpit about it now. I only wish to tell a story.

I've realized that I still have addictions. Addictions to the Internet I thought I left behind. I like watching Internet videos, so I gave them up for Lent. Turns out I've probably cheated on that a dozen times.

I'm not sure why but all of Lent I was also more tempted than I'd been in a long time to sexual impurity of all sorts, even new things I hadn't been tempted to before. I don't mind admitting it, after all, who is not tempted in some form? But for whatever reason the temptation to do something, anything, was heavy on my mind. I didn't do anything, though. Thank God for that.

I find I welcome temptations much more often than I should. Details would take forever to impart but suffice it to say I stink at avoiding near occasions of sin. I walk the line and never cross it, but I should be staying away, far away. It sends the message to me that I don't take it seriously enough. I love my faith and I love fighting for heaven, but actions speak louder than words. If I really cared as much as I say I do, I would never even come close to doing something...stupid.

I'm also still very crabby sometimes. I am very impatient with people. I expect something and if I get something very far from that it's hard for me to be civil. When people talk to me while I'm eating and reading a book and just want to be left alone, I don't try to make conversation. Whenever I've been really upset and just don't want to talk to people, I'm very cold. When someone stole my pot and then took down the signs I put up politely asking for it back, I just ignored everyone. When people wake me up and don't seem to care, when they accuse me of things that they are responsible for, when no one seems to care that I'm having a problem they're causing, I just don't do what the saints do. I don't act out of perfect love. I act out of half-assed love.

I am left this Lent feeling pretty inadequate. I feel like an inadequate boyfriend because of my lack of new ideas for us and my general bouts of bad moods. I feel like an inadequate friend because I can't meet up with everyone I want to and I haven't been such a nice guy. I feel like an inadequate Catholic because I don't have genuine prayer, I have little faith, and I don't know if I'm growing in virtue. I feel inadequate in preparing for my future for the lack of responsibility and progress I've made in building my future.

I am inadequate. God help me.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream far beyond my trial this Lent.

The torture of humility...

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, hear me.

That's the first line of the Litany of Humility, which I've begun to pray daily. It's basically a list of desires and fears that you pray Jesus takes from you to help you be humble. It's torture. Every time I pray it I realize how much I want and fear all of those things, especially these three:

1. "From the desire of being loved, deliver me Jesus.
2. "From the fear of being forgotten, deliver me Jesus.
3. "That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

The reason I've begun to pray this prayer is because my pride has gotten to the point where it hurts me emotionally, constantly. It hurts a lot to always wish people loved me, or loved me as much as they say they do. It hurts to be left out and forgotten. It hurts that others are loved more than I am. If I was just humble, I would almost always be happy. I'm sure of it.


Every time I get on Facebook I see exactly what I fear the most every time. Because of my feelings of isolation, I am addicted to feeling the connection I get over Facebook, but at the same time Facebook feeds my isolation by forcing me to see pictures of friends hanging out together without me, and sending messages to each other about how much they miss each other and want to hang out, while I'm simply forgotten.

If I were only humble, none of this would bother me. So even though it hurts, I HAVE to try. I've never felt the need for God's help so strongly.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that I would never be bothered by pride.