The Technicolor Canvas.

You were a child

Crawling on your knees toward him

Making momma so proud

But your voice is too loud

We like to watch you laughing

Picking insects off of plants

No time to think of consequences

I'm amazed at how people fill in for what they don't know.

Instead of asking questions, most people assume a truth they can deal with. In a lot of cases, the assumption is false or incomplete. For instance, once I stopped talking for a long period of time in a group of people. Instead of asking why I was so quiet, they simple told me I was quiet ("Yup," I said) and exclaimed that I must be tired and continued with their conversation. It blew me away. Although they clearly wanted to know what was "wrong" they didn't do the simple solution of asking (it wasn't a big deal, I actually wasn't talking because the conversation was boring).

It is the same way with getting to know people.

Most people have a way of liking people who don't talk very much, or talk about themselves very much. I am like this. Not because I wouldn't gladly tell someone about myself, but because no one asks. Which has interesting consequences.

There is a lady at work who thinks I'm just like her son. I'm probably nothing like her son, I'm just the same age, and she wants to believe I'm like her son. To her it's true...and she can now mother me like she wants. She adores me, but has no idea who I am. She's never asked.

So it seems to be in a lot of cases. People like me for whoever they want to believe I am. I am all things to all people because I make myself a blank canvas. I can be anyone I wish, because no one in this city knows the truth.

Though, I wish people would ask about me. What I think about the world, what I've found joy in and pain in. Who I really am. But I'm not going to do it without being asked. I don't like when other people spoil conversation by sharing unsolicited, or just talking about themselves incessantly (and thus forcing others to do the same or change the subject). So I'm not about to start, even to fulfill a need. I have to know that other people want to know.

I think I'm an interesting person, just as I think other people are interesting. I like the song Life in Technicolor ii by Coldplay because I think it really captures how I feel about myself. I'm not a blank canvas for other people to fill in, I'm a technicolor canvas. I hope someone out there discovers that someday.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for people to see the true canvas.

Just the facts.

School has begun, and it's been much as I expected.

I really don't have a lot of time anymore, and pretty much as soon as I have homework and work starts, I will have no time at all. For much of anything. It's only a matter of time before people will wonder where I have gone - some out of genuine concern, most out of detached curiosity. Mostly I will wonder why no one saw this coming when I made it practically my mission in life to be with these people as much as possible while I still could...before I left.

I don't know if people consider the life-span of their relationships much when they decide how they will conduct them, but I know in my case no one has...yet. I'll be gone in less than a year, and already I might as well be gone now because I no longer have time for what I would consider a meaningful relationship. I still entertain the idea of entering a romantic relationship as well, but I heavily doubt my own capability in making a proper decision regarding women since every other time I've made one it's ended in a disaster much further beyond what would be considered the normal or usual pains of entering/attempting a relationship. This is kind of new to me - usually when faced with even the possibility of romance I am excited - and apparently too excited to actually make a good discernment decision. Now, however, I feel merely apprehensive and doubtful, and I think I have good reason to do so. It's difficult enough to explain in person, so I won't even try to elaborate here.

It's no longer up for debate whether or not I am happy - I have definitely not been happy for quite a long time and have no one to blame for it, really. It's hard to complain when you know that the problem lies either with you or no one at all. I am generally incompetent in at least one component of anything I try to accomplish, whether it be the paperwork part of counseling, the motivation aspect of earning a living, or the discernment part of a relationship, and whenever I am reminded of that, I usually end up not wanting to do anything except what I have to do.

I know no one ever really seems to believe a word I say regarding my feelings, self-concept, general state in life, etc. but at least when I write things out here on the Internet, I can get a sense that I have explained myself as best as I can. I don't really hope for much besides a chance to explain myself, and I better get used to it, too, because that will likely be the last thing I do before entering heaven (or hell): explaining myself. I suppose if I can get that right nothing else will really have mattered.

That's it, just the facts. Thanks for reading, whoever you may be.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream that's a fact.

Full sail ahead.

I'm not in a relationship, I'm in a relation ship.

Dating is like a sailboat. Your ultimate destination is marriage, and if you decide you're not meant to be together, you simply jump ship. Otherwise, you sail ahead - sometimes your sails are full of wind, and sometimes you have little, or you're stuck in the doldrums. Sometimes you hit rough waters, or even stormy weather. Sometimes your ship gets sunk...and when (if?) you finally reach the harbors of marriage, there are still more adventures, happy times, and hardships beyond.

I'd like to say right now my relationship has full sails ahead. We're in what some people call a "honeymoon phase"...for whatever reason I dislike the term but can't think of a better. We get along so well, and we're happy together. But I refuse to be naive - there will be hard times. But that's good. If we can get through them together, then we'll have a deeper relationship afterward, a deeper bond, and a deeper understanding of one another.

I'm beginning to get used to not being single. For a while, this kind of sharing of life with my girlfriend was such a new adventure, something foreign. Now I feel like I'm getting settled. And I like it! I feel comfortable...like I am settling into my well-worn captain's chair. In my last relationship, which was my first "real" relationship, I suppose, the idea of running my life in line with someone else's was scary to me. I think there were two reasons for this: One, I was not ready for a relationship. Two, I was in a relationship with someone I was just simply not meant to be with. I had good intentions and I thought I discerned well, but I was wrong. God was not calling me to that...but He brought good out of it, in the form of some valuable lessons.

But this is different.

My girlfriend and I can talk forever. I can name a couple times where we lost track of time and were talking for hours and hours into the early morning. The only other person I can do this with is my best friend...but HE has known me since I was six. How remarkable.

The way I feel around my girlfriend, I feel like I can always be myself. It seems like I automatically show certain sides of myself around certain people, which I believe is natural for anyone to do, but with her I only feel like me. I am just me, without shame. She loves who I am.

I love her too.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for safe passage for all our ships.