The circles of this world.

"Let us not be overthrown at the final test, who of old renounced the Shadow and the Ring. In sorrow we must go, but not in despair. Behold! We are not bound forever in the circles of the world, and beyond them is more than memory." - Aragorn, the Lord of the Rings

The final test. I have often attributed that phrase to anything I have to do that is very difficult. It is such wishful thinking. That one final act can, if I succeed, lead to happiness. I never truly expected eternal happiness. Not in this life. Just wishful thinking is all it is.

I notice that consistently the things that I love most about my life are taken away from me. Every time I think I've gotten something I might not have to give up, I must give it up, for some greater good. Or for what seems to be no reason at all.

I have had such good friends...such good and wonderful friends...and it seems as though none of those friendships will ever remain what I want them to be. Perhaps it's selfish of me, but I know how I feel. Hopefully someday I will look back and realize how silly I was, and how much happier I am having much fewer and much shallower friendships (as seems to be the direction all this is headed), but that is not how I see the world now. I was starting to get used to this idea. I was starting to accept that my friendships may not ever be what I want them to be, and that I could just love people however I was able.

And now, I don't even have that anymore.

My love, it seems, has been imperfect. Not just "normal human sinfulness imperfect" but imperfect in how open I have been emotionally, especially with women. It is something I have suspected but ignored for a long time, and finally, I asked the truth. I asked for the truth where I knew I could get it - from two different people - and I received it. The worst part of giving up something you value so much is knowing that you have to - that you are not mistaken.

Yet another treasure I am giving up for the Lord, and I only barely understand why. I only know that I am loving certain people so much more by holding myself back than by doing what I would like to do. I only wish I had some other way to get my feelings out. I wish I didn't have to keep doing this sort of thing. It just never ends.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to move beyond the circles of this world.

My life in two words.

A miracle.

How can two people so right for one another find each other in the midst of millions? Not only that, but how many times along the way was I looking for something or someone else, never knowing that another hand was in the mix, turning my "missed opportunities" into "steps in the right direction"?

My girlfriend (yes, girlfriend now!) and I were watching the Notebook tonight. It is of course a great romance flick, but the whole thing isn't great - just parts of it make the movie. There is one part near the end that struck me...Allie as an old woman asks Noah "Do you think our love can create miracles?" The thing with this movie is that it always comes so close to getting true love right, and even makes it sometimes, but fails in areas like chastity or just doesn't go deep enough. So I said aloud, "I would take it one step further and say love is the source of ALL miracles." And it's true. I can't name all of the times in my life where I've asked God for something that would have caused me to miss out on what I have now.

The God who loves me knew what he was doing all along...

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that we could all recognize the miracle of our lives.

"My sister, my bride..."

True love not only wants to sacrifice, but enjoys it.

So, I have a couple of adopted sisters who live down the road. I love these girls so much and I've only known them for a month. Fun fact: I rarely enjoy cooking...but for whatever reason, I felt really excited to make something for these girls, since they were hungry at 10 PM...what a bunch of weirdos. Well, I was hungry too, so perhaps I shouldn't talk.

Anyways, it took a while for me to figure out why I enjoyed it so much. I mean, I hate cooking for myself unless I haven't done it in a while, in which case it's only a moderately fun activity. I thought of a story a friend told me...when he was younger, his mother basically spent every waking moment of her day serving her family. My friend couldn't figure out how she could stand it...she never did anything for herself. When he got older, he realized that his mother actually ENJOYED it. She loved her family so much that all the busy work she did for them was her joy in life. How wonderful a thing to happen to me! For me to love my sisters so much that I'd enjoy doing something I hate just because I could help them in a small way!

Anyone not versed in the Song of Songs from the Bible may not recognize the title quote. It's part of a statement made by the bridegroom in this...book of erotic love poetry...in the middle of the Bible...yes I'm serious. Anyway, he says something about how beautiful his bride is and then calls her his sister...And if you don't think too deeply into it, you're likely to say something to the effect of..."WHAT?" Don't worry, she's not ACTUALLY his sister.

But think about it. If a man truly loves a woman chastely, he treats her like a sister FIRST. A brother is fiercely protective of his sister...he would do almost anything for her, and he certainly doesn't think of taking advantage of her womanhood. If only we men were all like the bridegroom! Thinking of potential lovers as sisters first, and only later as brides! Well...obviously tonight I have in some way shown my love as a brother...what a beautiful start! ;-)

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that the human family would all be united in true love.