What is owed.

Nobody really owes me anything.

These days I am a very angry person. The anger is my own fault. It comes from my sense of entitlement - people ought to treat me this way. People ought to give me this or that consideration. People ought to do this or that. But I find myself inevitably and totally disappointed.

I know that I complain a lot. If you disagree, fine. I complain a lot in my head, then. My head is a mess of accusations. How dare she! How dare he! How dare they! They know better! Well, that is my standard. I can't control anyone but myself.

It is so difficult for people to put themselves in other people's shoes. This is the root of many interpersonal problems. People just don't get what it's like. At the same time as I do something I feel justified, someone does the same thing to me, and I feel it categorically unjust. But yet, if I am honest, I know they must have some justification known only to themselves.

I take today as an example. Rejection is something I find difficult to justify in almost any situation - utter rejection, without consideration. It angers me. In movies I will cheer on the most rejected character of the story. I can't help but love them and want to see them do well. That is my empathy.

So, today, I was rejected. That is the only detail necessary in telling this story for the purposes of my moral. I was rejected in the same way that I know I will someday soon reject someone else. I know that I have my justifications for it, and feel them good enough. But, were I to explain it to the rejectee they would likely consider it a very weak excuse. So the same in reverse. Today, I was rejected, and the reasoning I heard was utter tripe, in my personal opinion. Bah, I thought. Utter bull. Their excuse is not at all consideration as they say. But I must put this on myself. I know. Hypocrite.

I am not owed consideration. I am not owed consideration from the person who I spoke to today. I am not owed consideration by my friends. I am not owed anything. No one ought to do anything for me or with me. That is not the same as should, in the moral sense. Of course I have been maltreated, just as I have maltreated others.

Everything I have given as a friend has been a gift, not an obligation. I have given time, tears, and energy. I do not believe I have been given the same. That makes me somewhat angry - but what makes me even angrier is knowing that I am not really owed what I am demanding, and that the person I should really be angry at is myself, for demanding it.

Damn it!

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for release from obligation.

The perfect fusion.

"Kakarrot. How do you know this fusion will be enough to stop him?"
"I don't know for sure...BUT IT'S THE BEST CHANCE WE'VE GOT OF SAVING THE EARTH!"

I recently finished Dragon Ball Z, both in its manga and anime form (comic book and cartoon, respectively). I think my favorite part is definitely where the long-standing rivals (spoiler alerts galore from here on out) Vegeta and Goku finally set aside their differences to permanently fuse and stop the maniacal villain Majin Buu.

"Those two have the power...Two of the greatest masters in the worlds of the living and the dead. And it doesn't hurt that they live to outdo each other..." Epic.

At this point Majin Buu has quite literally killed or absorbed every living thing on earth except three lucky people and a dog. Those who were absorbed have the horrible fate of living forever inside Majin Buu's body, giving him unimaginable power. They are not truly alive but cannot die! However, through a series of fortunate events, Goku is restored to life and sent back to earth, and his greatest rival/enemy Vegeta is given his body back and returned to earth on the condition that he fight Buu again, after which he would be allowed to go to heaven instead of sent back to hell. Goku, after witnessing his son get absorbed by Majin Buu, finds Vegeta and begs him to put on a pair of magical earrings that will make them become one person. It was previously explained to Goku by the character Old Kai that a fusion through the earrings would make the resulting person many times stronger than the sum of their strength. After Goku explains that everyone Vegeta knows is gone, Vegeta begrudgingly agrees to fuse with him, becoming the ultimate warrior, Vegito.

To make the decision to sacrifice your very identity and become one with the one person you hate the most to avenge the ones you love...How heroic! How admirable! *sigh*

Of course, I do have a theological point behind telling you all this. As Christians we undergo a sort of fusion ourselves when we accept Christ into our hearts. Alone we are weak but in Christ we undergo an incredible transformation, gaining strength from heaven to overcome our faults and become perfect in Him, in essence, becoming a new person. Sound familiar? Those united with Christ's church do this in an even more complete way when we receive the Eucharist, undergoing a more visible transformation by literally accepting Christ's body inside of our own and becoming one with Him. Sound even MORE familiar? :)

Even more telling is the very nature of God Himself. God is infinitely just and infinitely merciful. Though seemingly opposites (like Goku and Vegeta) the two come together to form God's perfect love through the redemption of Christ's sacrifice. God's mercy works to forgive us because Christ paid the just penalty for our sins. It's a perfect fusion!

The way we deal with people needs to be a fusion as well. We need to love sinners and hate their sins. Goku and Vegeta work together in a similar way. Goku is a combat genius, while Vegeta is a brilliant tactician. Goku knows how to fight battles but Vegeta is better at planning ahead to win them. Together, it's an unstoppable combination.

This is what happens when you read a blog by a Catholic nerd.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for perfect fusion with the Lord.

Why, God...WHY??

Why are you so good to me? :)

To think that only a few weeks ago I was practically wishing for death, and now everything is turning around. And I really don't deserve much. In fact, if you, the reader, knew everything about me, you might say that God has very good reasons to punish me.

But that's not the way God works. Consistently throughout my life, He has worked to bring me back towards Him. He has, time and time again, turned my blunders into blessings. I'm completely in awe at how everything has worked out.

I guess that's really all I have to say today. :)

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that all could see the wonderful mercy and love of God.