The war of the self.

Often I feel like there are two people inside of me.

One sees the world in a very calm, relaxed way. "Let it be what it is," he says. He takes things one step at a time and trusts to God's providence. He is the heart.

The other sees that sometimes loving is hard and rational decisions have to be made that might feel bad. He is the mind.

Then there's me...and I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile the two: the rational and the emotional.

Today I made a choice that I think is my first step in finally reconciling my mind and my heart. For the first time, I am not polarizing myself, using just my reasoning or using just my heart. I listened to my feelings and thought about what to do. And then I did it.

It was not easy, but it was right. I think I'm going to be OK.

Though the outcome of what's been happening the last few weeks was not what I wanted, I think I finally understand why I was led here. It's because after I learned how to use my heart without using my head, and then learned how to use my head without listening to my heart, God wanted me to learn how to use both. So he gave me this difficult situation and I responded to his will.

I'm going to look forward to the next lesson. I hope it's a happier one!

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for head and heart.

The Aftermath.

Much has changed emotionally since my last post.

The pleasantness of slowness and my patience in general has dwindled. I'm not sure what happened, but loneliness, it seems, has finallyeasily caught up to me. I'm disappointed in myself, to be sure, as I thought that I had finally escaped many of my old tendencies. I thought I'd finally gotten emotional independence.

In one respect, at least, I am better in that I still have avoided indulging my old desires to draw attention to myself for the sake of simply feeling better. I know better now.

Still, it seems like writing this blog is really the only outlet for attention-seeking I allow anymore. That's what it must be, isn't it? I don't see any other reason to write it other than to put my thoughts were others can see it, otherwise, I would just write it in a journal and show no one. I'm not often sure who reads these blog posts, only the ones who reveal themselves, I suppose...but sometimes I post knowing I wish certain people would read it. That worries me. You see, I don't wish to allow any credence to desires that lead to me acting out again.

I've been looking over Facebook's timeline feature. It's nice in many ways, but that's not the reason I'm talking about it now. I had to go through my timeline and remember all of the times I was most lonely and depressed...and start hiding the worst of my old statuses before people could read them! It's embarrassing how obviously desperate for someone's - anyone's - attention I was...how I would target specific people sometimes...how I would "hint" at things related to love, loss...anger. Nothing I want to relive. But I did.

It's funny how you can get a sort of "link" to your past self in ways. Sometimes you can look at a certain photo and remember how you felt and what you were thinking when it was taken...or read an old journal entry, or something. That was what happened to me looking over these old writings of mine...so sad, so pathetic. I kinda lost grip on myself while I was reading/hiding those old statuses. It was too easy to remember and over-empathize. I had been wondering what it felt like to be my old 2009 self or something...well, suddenly my 2009 self possessed me for a short time! Ahhhh!

Well, once I snapped back to reality, it was so much easier to realize how imperative it is that I avoid using others to relieve my negative emotions. Especially women. It's easier when I'm tempted to, oh, text somebody something to try and initiate emotional contact to just look inside and shout "FOOL!" That's my only lifeline at this point.

Another thing I noticed about my old self is that a lot of the things I've noticed about the young folks (freshman) around here also applied to myself. I think I would totally become friends with my 2007 self - if the Facebook posts help me get an idea of what I was like, I'm pretty sure my old self was just in his own little world all of the time. I was so innocent and possessed by the geeky side of myself that I'm sure I would really enjoy meeting that person that was me - because he was so untouched by the world it's amusing. That's why I became so immature only two years later - once that mask was torn off, I looked around at my real world - and realized who I really was - and hated it. The momentary glimpses that I hid from in 2007 became ever present in 2009/2010, so since I couldn't hide from it anymore, I tried to rebuild myself...which manifested itself much of the time in depressing Facebook posts. Yikes.

Lest I say too much in this post and start getting tempted to disclose too much about what or who is on my mind, I will just say that I hope people will pray that I build more patience. Someone told me the other day that wisdom and patience go hand in hand - and I believe them! I wish to build up my relationship with God and ignore the rest of me that is demanding human companionship...it's a lot harder than I thought, even though rationally I have provided myself with many excellent reasons why I should be wholly desiring the single life for the moment.  For some reason the conflict doesn't want to go away that easily.

That's all for now.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for emotional peace.

My essence.

The ultimate pride is committed in making yourself a god. I will try to stay as far away from this as I possibly can, esteemed reader, while talking about myself in this post.

In a retreat back in high school, I gave a talk called "Know Yourself" in which I shared much of my life and myself, my problems, my triumphs, in an effort to help my classmates figure themselves out. Ironically I did not really have myself figured out then, but it was a good start.

An (older) adult friend once told me that I know myself better than most people her age. I think it was one of the nicest compliments she could have given me, although she probably didn't know that. I think knowing yourself is one of the lesser great triumphs there are to have in this life. That being said, knowing yourself is always an ongoing process, since I find that even then I did not know myself as well as I know myself now.  

Knowing who you are and why you are the way you are makes changing the things preventing you from becoming who you were born to be much easier.
 

I've always been fascinated with destiny. An emotional moment in the film version of Return of the King for me is always when Elrond presents the sword Andùril to Aragorn.

"Andùril! Flame of the West! Forged from the shards of Narsìl! Let go the Ranger! BECOME WHO YOU WERE BORN TO BE!"

And of course, he does. He realizes he is no ranger, but a WARRIOR KING! Peace and triumph follow. This is what can happen in our own spiritual battles when we know ourselves well enough to discover who we were born to be.

When you know yourself, you know your weaknesses. I find that some fundamental things about people never change. I call this your essence. Someone who is in their essence competitive at their worst can be arrogant and obnoxiously obsessed with winning and being the best. However, at their best they can spin this into being strong-willed and full of determination and confidence. Someone who is in their essence laid back at their worst can be lazy and sloppy. At their best, they can be insightful and peacemakers.

At our best, we become who we are born to be.

The essence of a person, though, is only how they are different from everyone else. I could say that in my essence I want people to like me, but the truth is that everyone wants to be liked by someone because they want to be loved. This is because everyone was created to be loved. The same could be said about everyone wanting to do the right thing (no matter how skewed their view of right or wrong is) and people desiring purpose and meaning to what they do (no matter what reasoning they may give to the contrary).

In keeping with the topic of knowing myself, I will try to relate to you, my reader, what I believe my essence is. I acknowledge the possibility that the rest of this post may seem prideful, but true humility is actually about being completely honest in the fewest details possible about our strengths and weaknesses when we are prompted or when it is completely necessary. That being said, in keeping with the theme of this blog it is always prompted and necessary to share as much about myself as is prudent to share with the internet at-large who may or may not know who I am.

I believe that part of my essence is that I am playful. I have lots of energy and like to run, jump, joke around and make people laugh.

I am also very focused on "the big picture." I love looking at stars and seeing the vastness of space and theorizing why it was all created. I like talking about the meaning of life and...why we are the way we are, incidentally. I like trying to find the deeper meaning behind everything we see on the surface.
 

I am nostalgic. I am romantic. I am pensive. I am affectionate. I am sensitive.

What this means is that at my worst I am lazy and distracted. I am insensitive to how people respond to me, and even annoying. I am despairing, judgmental, stubborn, prideful, and imprudent.

At my best, in becoming who I am destined to be, I can be joyful and spread that joy to others. I can be a relief in times of anxiety or sorrow. I can help people think more deeply about their place in the cosmos as immortal souls. I can be a great lover and be creative in expressing my own feelings, and serve as an inspiration to others.

That is my essence, such as it is, and as much as I know, I know there must be more I will learn along the path of life. And so will you.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for all to know their essence.