Turning the page.

Oddly enough, lately I've felt mostly at peace now with everything that's happened.

Resisting the downward spiral of relationships (both friendships and romantic-but-not-really) has proven futile, and even doing nothing about it all has proven to be a poor solution.

It's time to admit that the only way out is to leave.

In August, I will have been in this college town for six years. I will have two degrees and a lot of good memories and really bad ones, too. In August, I will be leaving.

I'll be leaving the same way I came in: only a few friends and lots of uncertainty, and little sanity.

Despite that, I think I've really become a stronger person. Although I am not in as good of a mental state as I used to be, I am much, much better at coping with things. The fact I am not now currently huddled in a corner crying and am instead feeling at peace with the world is a testament to this strength.

I don't want to divulge too much information lest I hurt someone's feelings, but recently I've been thinking that I've had a lot of people go in and out of my life repeatedly over the past year or so. To be honest, I'm not sure if I can or should keep putting up with that. I've mourned the loss of friendships only for them to come back, for me to get attached again, and for them to subsequently disappear and leave me alone. Every time it feels a lot worse. Should it not be time for me to say no? For me to turn the page of my story and move on?

I've been thinking that I ought to just let everything go and hold on to this peace I have until September. No trying to get friends back, no trying to make something work in my love life. I will move on and go somewhere where things might work better. This place was never the end all, be all. It was only a stepping stone...something I always knew but still denied. This place and these people were all just passing things.

Only a few more months, and then I'll be out of here.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to turn the page.

The war of the self.

Often I feel like there are two people inside of me.

One sees the world in a very calm, relaxed way. "Let it be what it is," he says. He takes things one step at a time and trusts to God's providence. He is the heart.

The other sees that sometimes loving is hard and rational decisions have to be made that might feel bad. He is the mind.

Then there's me...and I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile the two: the rational and the emotional.

Today I made a choice that I think is my first step in finally reconciling my mind and my heart. For the first time, I am not polarizing myself, using just my reasoning or using just my heart. I listened to my feelings and thought about what to do. And then I did it.

It was not easy, but it was right. I think I'm going to be OK.

Though the outcome of what's been happening the last few weeks was not what I wanted, I think I finally understand why I was led here. It's because after I learned how to use my heart without using my head, and then learned how to use my head without listening to my heart, God wanted me to learn how to use both. So he gave me this difficult situation and I responded to his will.

I'm going to look forward to the next lesson. I hope it's a happier one!

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for head and heart.

Male friendships versus female friendships.

I am not strictly speaking about how men and women conduct friendships differently in this post, nor am I going to say one is better than the other. This post is about how my own friendships with men and conversely with women are different.

I suppose I must say I have the rare pleasure of having an even amount of male and female friends. How this happened, I suppose I don't rightly know, but I really enjoy and appreciate it.

Having said this, I notice that the way I am friends with men versus with women is a lot different. The first thing that comes to mind is that I can be a lot more sentimental with my female friends. Women really appreciate the memories and the bonds of friendships much more than my male friends. For instance, when I smile and say "You're a really great friend, Jane," she is likely to think of fond memories of our friendship and, hopefully, agree that we have had a beautiful friendship. However, when I say "You're a really great friend, John," John is much more likely to think I'm being pretty obvious (assuming we are good friends) and just trying to be nice and complimentary.

My male friends are much better than my female friends at making a highly intellectual conversation. That is by no means to say my female friends are stupid! What I mean is that our conversations are much more intellectually appealing and centered on experiences we share and conclusions about such things, and our own thoughts and opinions.

My female friends can do much the same way with me, however, it is much more emotionally appealing. We might talk just as the men about experiences and conclusions, but the result is more about solutions and comfort in having experienced that. The sharing of the experience is almost an end in itself, instead of the formation of opinions as is more common with my fellow males.

I have someone that I can go to for just about anything. That is not to say my friends are only good for utility, but I want to express how fortunate I am.

Thank you friends!

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for the blessing of friends.