The new journey.

I find my lack of faith disturbing.

Of course, I always knew I would find I was wrong about the whole transition away from college but I never really felt it in my heart. All I knew was that I was moving away from everyone and everything I ever loved and that I was broken over it.

However, I think I'm finally sane again.

I think being in my beloved college home made me crazy in some ways. I really do. To no wonder! Think of all I put up with during college: saying goodbye to dear, dear friends every year; watching people fall in love, get engaged, get married, move on; trying and failing to gain that for myself; watching friends come and go out of my life constantly. Of course I went insane!

These days, I have already made significant strides in becoming a capable adult. Only occasionally now do I feel an overwhelming urge to call someone on the phone crying, whereas while I was up north it was daily, even if I rarely followed through. I am not nearly as lazy as I used to be, and I feel like I think clearly and with much more confidence. Overwhelming confidence! Not the norm for me.

The best part is I am much less interested in dating than I used to be. Not a day went by that I didn't think about how nice it would be to share my life with someone. Nowadays, I still have that a lot, but I also think about how good and right it is to be single right now. It just makes sense and feels like a good fit. Being single for most of college was hard! I had to watch so many lovely relationships blossom while I spent my nights alone. That was a bitter pill to swallow, especially when it was someone who I wanted for myself!

God's plan pulled through and makes sense, as it always does. I am with good people now - the people I work with, I mean. It's a good fit, plain and simple. They are my kind of people. I also have new opportunities to make lasting friendships, even though it is a much slower process...yuck! I'm building a future full of financial security, much more than I could have hoped for. If I ever have a family, that's going to be a necessity, and why not start now? My whole "I'll live in a box if it means I don't have to leave all my friends" idea...maybe wasn't so smart.

Speaking of friends, the church group seems like a dream come true. It has the seriousness and solemnity I grew to love at the beginning of college, and all the unity of purpose and emphasis on social events that I found later on. I can finally grow in my faith again, something I've felt has been lacking during the past couple years.

This is a good new journey.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to have faith in something new.

Turning the page.

Oddly enough, lately I've felt mostly at peace now with everything that's happened.

Resisting the downward spiral of relationships (both friendships and romantic-but-not-really) has proven futile, and even doing nothing about it all has proven to be a poor solution.

It's time to admit that the only way out is to leave.

In August, I will have been in this college town for six years. I will have two degrees and a lot of good memories and really bad ones, too. In August, I will be leaving.

I'll be leaving the same way I came in: only a few friends and lots of uncertainty, and little sanity.

Despite that, I think I've really become a stronger person. Although I am not in as good of a mental state as I used to be, I am much, much better at coping with things. The fact I am not now currently huddled in a corner crying and am instead feeling at peace with the world is a testament to this strength.

I don't want to divulge too much information lest I hurt someone's feelings, but recently I've been thinking that I've had a lot of people go in and out of my life repeatedly over the past year or so. To be honest, I'm not sure if I can or should keep putting up with that. I've mourned the loss of friendships only for them to come back, for me to get attached again, and for them to subsequently disappear and leave me alone. Every time it feels a lot worse. Should it not be time for me to say no? For me to turn the page of my story and move on?

I've been thinking that I ought to just let everything go and hold on to this peace I have until September. No trying to get friends back, no trying to make something work in my love life. I will move on and go somewhere where things might work better. This place was never the end all, be all. It was only a stepping stone...something I always knew but still denied. This place and these people were all just passing things.

Only a few more months, and then I'll be out of here.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to turn the page.