The Count.

"My kingdom is bounded only by the world, for I am neither an Italian, nor a Frenchman, nor a Hindu, nor an American, nor a Spaniard - I am a cosmopolite. No country can say it saw my birth. God alone knows what country will see me die. I adopt all customs, speak all languages. You believe me to be a Frenchman, for I speak French with the same facility and purity as yourself. Well, Ali, my Nubian, believes me to be an Arab; Bertuccio, my steward, takes me for a Roman; Haydée, my slave, thinks me a Greek."

I am re-reading the Count of Monte Cristo. Beautiful book, well written. One thing really stuck out to me - the game that the characters play in the story is really remarkable. It seems to me like high society back in the 19th century and earlier did nothing but try to flatter and attract one another, trying to usurp from one another a higher "position" in the social hierarchy, through negotiating intermarriages between powerful families, and acquiring wealth, and friendships. Fascinating!

As a person who generally likes everyone, I, too, play this game. But I don't do it to gain anything or to achieve some selfish purpose. I just want to get to know lots and lots of people, and make lots and lots of friends.

Like the quote at the beginning, said by the Count of Monte Cristo, I try to fit into whatever group I find myself. Perhaps I flatter myself, but I think I'm quite good at it. I do not lie or put on a mask, but I present a side of me that I think least likely to annoy or repel people I want to know. Well...at least until I get too excited. Then that's anyone's guess.

It is interesting trying to become a part of a new group and acquire as many friends as I possibly can. I love getting to know people. When I meet someone, I want to know everything about them. Well...maybe not everyone I meet, but most!

My only concern is that my curiosity will get me into trouble. I admit that in the past it's gotten me closer to people, most of them of the opposite sex, than I intended. The "get to know you" game is seen as played between potential lovers, not potential friends. I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past.

It can be seen in my present group of friends that there is a much more reserved nature to them than I am accustomed to. What I have considered innocent acts have nearly sent the wrong message to people.

Fortunately, I am much more cautious than I once was. Being new here, I don't yet have much of a reputation, and I want it to be a good one. I don't need to cause a lot of heartache and rock the boat again. I am having fun, and I'm getting to know new people all the time. I kinda just want to continue on and take whatever comes my way - no planning, no flirting, no destiny. Just life.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to fit into this life.

The new journey.

I find my lack of faith disturbing.

Of course, I always knew I would find I was wrong about the whole transition away from college but I never really felt it in my heart. All I knew was that I was moving away from everyone and everything I ever loved and that I was broken over it.

However, I think I'm finally sane again.

I think being in my beloved college home made me crazy in some ways. I really do. To no wonder! Think of all I put up with during college: saying goodbye to dear, dear friends every year; watching people fall in love, get engaged, get married, move on; trying and failing to gain that for myself; watching friends come and go out of my life constantly. Of course I went insane!

These days, I have already made significant strides in becoming a capable adult. Only occasionally now do I feel an overwhelming urge to call someone on the phone crying, whereas while I was up north it was daily, even if I rarely followed through. I am not nearly as lazy as I used to be, and I feel like I think clearly and with much more confidence. Overwhelming confidence! Not the norm for me.

The best part is I am much less interested in dating than I used to be. Not a day went by that I didn't think about how nice it would be to share my life with someone. Nowadays, I still have that a lot, but I also think about how good and right it is to be single right now. It just makes sense and feels like a good fit. Being single for most of college was hard! I had to watch so many lovely relationships blossom while I spent my nights alone. That was a bitter pill to swallow, especially when it was someone who I wanted for myself!

God's plan pulled through and makes sense, as it always does. I am with good people now - the people I work with, I mean. It's a good fit, plain and simple. They are my kind of people. I also have new opportunities to make lasting friendships, even though it is a much slower process...yuck! I'm building a future full of financial security, much more than I could have hoped for. If I ever have a family, that's going to be a necessity, and why not start now? My whole "I'll live in a box if it means I don't have to leave all my friends" idea...maybe wasn't so smart.

Speaking of friends, the church group seems like a dream come true. It has the seriousness and solemnity I grew to love at the beginning of college, and all the unity of purpose and emphasis on social events that I found later on. I can finally grow in my faith again, something I've felt has been lacking during the past couple years.

This is a good new journey.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to have faith in something new.