Blindness.

"People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence."

As perceptive as I liken myself to be, I am amazed by my own nearsightedness and blindness. Always it seems I am late to discover something about my life, which then becomes a major source of regret. Like - who is really important. Who is not. Who someone really is. I feel like an idiot when I miss out on something important.

I have developed a defense against this, though. I never hold anything back. Today, I gave someone a present I worked on for months. I don't know this person very well, but I knew that what I did would make them smile because they once told me how much it would mean to them if someone gave them the kind of present I gave. She loved it. Let me repeat - we are definitely friends and think well of one another, but we are not "good friends." I did it for no other reason than I knew it was a good idea. I knew that if I held back, I might end up regretting it. I know very well that I can't prevent every regret that might come my way, but I'll be damned if I am not going to do anything I know I can do to stop it. I will hold nothing back.

What good can come of the things we do and say to one another? How can you know if you don't do it? So long as the action is intrinsically good, good can come of it. Don't hold any of it back. That was the principle of the gift I gave today.

Today, I had to call two people. For different reasons. To the first, I said some things that I shouldn't have said. I meant what I said, but I knew saying it would send the wrong message. So I apologized and we understood one another again. However, I am glad I made that mistake. I held nothing back. Nothing at all - I said whatever I wanted to say in just the slightest hope that something significant would be learned from it. And I did learn. I learned I need to keep my mouth shut when I'm too tired to think straight.

The other person I called because I knew I had something I needed to say. I could have held it back - let the fact that I would miss them terribly next year an unsaid given. But I knew I had made a mistake. I have taken this person for granted for almost the entire time I've known them. I have been under a paradigm, a rigid stubborn view of them that never allowed me to see them as they are. I passed up opportunities to get to know this person in new ways, beautiful ways, and now I see that my time with them is running much shorter, much quicker than I would have ever imagined. I blew it. I had to tell them. Had to say sorry - even if I knew they wouldn't take an apology, or even understand why I was sorry. I found out too late in my blindness what I had missed all along. But at least...at least I had the benefit of finally telling the truth. The truth I'd discovered now that the scales dropped from my eyes.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for true sight.

My essence.

The ultimate pride is committed in making yourself a god. I will try to stay as far away from this as I possibly can, esteemed reader, while talking about myself in this post.

In a retreat back in high school, I gave a talk called "Know Yourself" in which I shared much of my life and myself, my problems, my triumphs, in an effort to help my classmates figure themselves out. Ironically I did not really have myself figured out then, but it was a good start.

An (older) adult friend once told me that I know myself better than most people her age. I think it was one of the nicest compliments she could have given me, although she probably didn't know that. I think knowing yourself is one of the lesser great triumphs there are to have in this life. That being said, knowing yourself is always an ongoing process, since I find that even then I did not know myself as well as I know myself now.  

Knowing who you are and why you are the way you are makes changing the things preventing you from becoming who you were born to be much easier.
 

I've always been fascinated with destiny. An emotional moment in the film version of Return of the King for me is always when Elrond presents the sword Andùril to Aragorn.

"Andùril! Flame of the West! Forged from the shards of Narsìl! Let go the Ranger! BECOME WHO YOU WERE BORN TO BE!"

And of course, he does. He realizes he is no ranger, but a WARRIOR KING! Peace and triumph follow. This is what can happen in our own spiritual battles when we know ourselves well enough to discover who we were born to be.

When you know yourself, you know your weaknesses. I find that some fundamental things about people never change. I call this your essence. Someone who is in their essence competitive at their worst can be arrogant and obnoxiously obsessed with winning and being the best. However, at their best they can spin this into being strong-willed and full of determination and confidence. Someone who is in their essence laid back at their worst can be lazy and sloppy. At their best, they can be insightful and peacemakers.

At our best, we become who we are born to be.

The essence of a person, though, is only how they are different from everyone else. I could say that in my essence I want people to like me, but the truth is that everyone wants to be liked by someone because they want to be loved. This is because everyone was created to be loved. The same could be said about everyone wanting to do the right thing (no matter how skewed their view of right or wrong is) and people desiring purpose and meaning to what they do (no matter what reasoning they may give to the contrary).

In keeping with the topic of knowing myself, I will try to relate to you, my reader, what I believe my essence is. I acknowledge the possibility that the rest of this post may seem prideful, but true humility is actually about being completely honest in the fewest details possible about our strengths and weaknesses when we are prompted or when it is completely necessary. That being said, in keeping with the theme of this blog it is always prompted and necessary to share as much about myself as is prudent to share with the internet at-large who may or may not know who I am.

I believe that part of my essence is that I am playful. I have lots of energy and like to run, jump, joke around and make people laugh.

I am also very focused on "the big picture." I love looking at stars and seeing the vastness of space and theorizing why it was all created. I like talking about the meaning of life and...why we are the way we are, incidentally. I like trying to find the deeper meaning behind everything we see on the surface.
 

I am nostalgic. I am romantic. I am pensive. I am affectionate. I am sensitive.

What this means is that at my worst I am lazy and distracted. I am insensitive to how people respond to me, and even annoying. I am despairing, judgmental, stubborn, prideful, and imprudent.

At my best, in becoming who I am destined to be, I can be joyful and spread that joy to others. I can be a relief in times of anxiety or sorrow. I can help people think more deeply about their place in the cosmos as immortal souls. I can be a great lover and be creative in expressing my own feelings, and serve as an inspiration to others.

That is my essence, such as it is, and as much as I know, I know there must be more I will learn along the path of life. And so will you.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for all to know their essence.