The world has moved on.

"The world has moved on. Bad times are on horseback."

I am re-reading the Dark Tower, Stephen King's magnum opus of an adventure about Roland Deschain, gunslinger, last of his kind in a world that is dying, and about his last ditch attempt to save it and all of existence itself from eternal darkness.

Epic.

There is a saying that reappears in every book (there are seven) and multiple times in every book. It's "The world has moved on." The first time I read the book, years ago, I never really understood the phrase. I thought I did...I took it to mean "times have changed." But that's not it at all. I get it now. I get it now because I'm a little older and I've lived it.

"We say the world has moved on; maybe we really mean that it has begun to dry up."

When I think back to the time when college was new, and I had all the time in the world?

The world has moved on, gunslinger.

When I think about the times I always had someone else to consider if things didn't work out?

The world has moved on, gunslinger.

When I think back to when I didn't need to worry about whether I was doing things right?

The world has moved on, gunslinger.

When I think back to the times I could choose among almost any club, school, community, etc. activity as a place to have fun and meet new people?

The world has moved on since then.

I get it. What an interesting phrase - it doesn't mean a change in time, because time is really only a figment of our imagination...it means an entire change in the world. My world has utterly changed, and I'm still adjusting. I keep wanting things to be how they once were, but everything around me reminds me it's different now.

In the interest of not sounding so depressed to the point of self-absorption, I know I have other things to look forward to. But true to my fashion, I'm not as interested in them as I am to the things that I've "passed by." I need not repeat them. After all, I understand as well as anyone else reading this blog how I must sound. Still, allow me this guilty pleasure.

I guess I am just frustrated that at my sixth year of leaving home, other than a degree under my belt and another on the way, and a little maturity, I'm really no better off than I was before. I think at one point I actually thought I would be married by now. What a riot that is to think. The world has moved on.

Something positive (because I really am trying, I promise): I think I would be very happy, even if I was moving on from this community alone, if I got a job where I intern at. And moved to this nice little town with a Catholic church the size of a cathedral. I'd cry...that would be lovely. We'll see...we'll see exactly how much the world has moved on.

There was a dream that I dream, a dream for a world that has not yet moved on.

My essence.

The ultimate pride is committed in making yourself a god. I will try to stay as far away from this as I possibly can, esteemed reader, while talking about myself in this post.

In a retreat back in high school, I gave a talk called "Know Yourself" in which I shared much of my life and myself, my problems, my triumphs, in an effort to help my classmates figure themselves out. Ironically I did not really have myself figured out then, but it was a good start.

An (older) adult friend once told me that I know myself better than most people her age. I think it was one of the nicest compliments she could have given me, although she probably didn't know that. I think knowing yourself is one of the lesser great triumphs there are to have in this life. That being said, knowing yourself is always an ongoing process, since I find that even then I did not know myself as well as I know myself now.  

Knowing who you are and why you are the way you are makes changing the things preventing you from becoming who you were born to be much easier.
 

I've always been fascinated with destiny. An emotional moment in the film version of Return of the King for me is always when Elrond presents the sword Andùril to Aragorn.

"Andùril! Flame of the West! Forged from the shards of Narsìl! Let go the Ranger! BECOME WHO YOU WERE BORN TO BE!"

And of course, he does. He realizes he is no ranger, but a WARRIOR KING! Peace and triumph follow. This is what can happen in our own spiritual battles when we know ourselves well enough to discover who we were born to be.

When you know yourself, you know your weaknesses. I find that some fundamental things about people never change. I call this your essence. Someone who is in their essence competitive at their worst can be arrogant and obnoxiously obsessed with winning and being the best. However, at their best they can spin this into being strong-willed and full of determination and confidence. Someone who is in their essence laid back at their worst can be lazy and sloppy. At their best, they can be insightful and peacemakers.

At our best, we become who we are born to be.

The essence of a person, though, is only how they are different from everyone else. I could say that in my essence I want people to like me, but the truth is that everyone wants to be liked by someone because they want to be loved. This is because everyone was created to be loved. The same could be said about everyone wanting to do the right thing (no matter how skewed their view of right or wrong is) and people desiring purpose and meaning to what they do (no matter what reasoning they may give to the contrary).

In keeping with the topic of knowing myself, I will try to relate to you, my reader, what I believe my essence is. I acknowledge the possibility that the rest of this post may seem prideful, but true humility is actually about being completely honest in the fewest details possible about our strengths and weaknesses when we are prompted or when it is completely necessary. That being said, in keeping with the theme of this blog it is always prompted and necessary to share as much about myself as is prudent to share with the internet at-large who may or may not know who I am.

I believe that part of my essence is that I am playful. I have lots of energy and like to run, jump, joke around and make people laugh.

I am also very focused on "the big picture." I love looking at stars and seeing the vastness of space and theorizing why it was all created. I like talking about the meaning of life and...why we are the way we are, incidentally. I like trying to find the deeper meaning behind everything we see on the surface.
 

I am nostalgic. I am romantic. I am pensive. I am affectionate. I am sensitive.

What this means is that at my worst I am lazy and distracted. I am insensitive to how people respond to me, and even annoying. I am despairing, judgmental, stubborn, prideful, and imprudent.

At my best, in becoming who I am destined to be, I can be joyful and spread that joy to others. I can be a relief in times of anxiety or sorrow. I can help people think more deeply about their place in the cosmos as immortal souls. I can be a great lover and be creative in expressing my own feelings, and serve as an inspiration to others.

That is my essence, such as it is, and as much as I know, I know there must be more I will learn along the path of life. And so will you.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for all to know their essence.