"You go on."

"Death, but not for you, gunslinger. Never for you. You darkle. You tinct. May I be brutally frank? You go on."

The frank, bitter, but thankfully (and finally) truthful comments of a friend(?) have led me to question my writing of this blog. What real purpose does it serve? I am quite sure I don't know, and don't really want to know. Yes, I do write of my feelings and share them on the Internet, of all places. The real question is, is it the right thing to do to write these posts? I am not positive I have any way of knowing that right now, and quite frankly I suspect it doesn't really matter whether I do or do not. The content matters.

So the content of this post is about going on. Really, I have settled into a sort of complacency with my place in life right now. Ultimately, it is a healthy, spiritual complacency. Deep down, though, I feel I miss some of the romanticism I used to espouse, however unhealthily I managed it. Life was more exciting when I let myself have expectations. Now that I have none, it seems that I just go on.

I'm not saying this is such a bad thing, considering that how things turned out when I let myself get excited about things that were ultimately not guaranteed and even improbable. There's nothing wrong with getting a little romantic about the future, so long as it doesn't get in the way of you doing the right thing in the present moment. I think that was my problem, all along. I've solved the problem by destroying the romanticism, not by just centering myself on the present.

As I write this, I suspect maybe I'm going too far. I feel as though I do have a reasonable amount of hope for happy endings in my future, but it's not quite the same flavor as the experiences I used to have in less sane times of my life. For now though, I'll leave my musing at that.

What is really pressing on my mind at the moment is friendship. I have spent so great a deal of time on this topic in the past four years or so that I am not sure what else I can say about it, but this: that I am now quite sure that friendships are not chosen, but born. They live and die, they can become sick or strong. I really wish I had come to this conclusion in another way, but recent experiences prove this fact to me, and I suppose I should be grateful.

Some friendships...well, they just go on too. So many of my own are going on in a way that makes me wonder whether I really have any at all. Why would I say such a thing, you might ask. Well, I feel as though there is really only one person in this world who knows who I really am. And I recently found out someone I trusted has secretly harbored an animosity of sorts to knowing who I really am. A repulsion, perhaps, is a more accurate term. No matter how I describe it, of course, this person would deny it. But I hear through double-speak, and it doesn't fool me.

I must say I know he was right on one account: I was a hypocrite...on one occasion. I complained that it sometimes bothers me that no one seems to really want to ask me about myself, and most of the time now when I spend time with people they dominate the conversation. I clarified that most of the time I don't mind - because I truly want to know people better. Well, I screwed up by doing that exact thing to him. However, that doesn't erase the fact I really would have liked to gotten to know him better...and really, that one time...that one time...I really needed someone to listen to me.

I don't want my friendships to stagnate. Now I have made both mistakes - I have been all the way the dominant person, and now I have been the submissive listener too. I want friendships where both people get to know each other better...not a friendship that stagnates. I want friendships that are honest - not like the friend mentioned who would have made me guess to the uttermost end that all along he was unhappy with me, instead of telling me.

I am certainly more grateful now for the friendships I have that I have clearly not chosen...because those are becoming my best friendships...to those friends reading, you know who you are.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for full, exciting friendships.

The forgotten age of Christendom.

Oh, to live in a non-secular age...

I am increasingly frustrated at the attitude of our world. People have forgotten that for centuries, Christianity (and Catholic Christianity, for that matter, as it was the only Christianity for some time) was the dominant culture of the entire world. Not to say it was dominant in the east, but for the most part, worldwide Christianity was the most powerful driving force in every day life.

However, apparently the past 50 years has undone all of this. People no longer remember an age of Christendom. People act as though Christianity has always been little more than an opinion, a cute emblem of a primitive past. Christianity was once the foundation and saving power of society, intellect, spirituality, and freedom. Those days are, sadly, only a memory. People born in my age have either inherited a crumbling Church that they want so desperately to lift up and bring people into, or have come from families who rejected it long ago...or who are doing so now.

It makes a passionate, fiery young spirit like myself wish that I were a crusader going off to fight a holy battle...NO...NOT LIKE YOUR PROFESSOR TELLS YOU THEY "ACTUALLY WERE..." The Crusades were a rescue mission from Muslim aggression, and only devolved because of the actions of a few without papal permission. Read this article if you're having trouble understanding/believing what I'm saying.

Anyway, I often wish that I could fight a physical battle. It's very hard sometimes being a male and watching what I care about crumble around me. I wish to fight a battle with sweat and blood, not words and prayers.

Yeah, kind of like that! Thanks Aragorn!

I can only imagine the sorts of comments I might get now..."Prayer is a spiritual battle!" "We don't want to hurt people with violence! Jesus said those who live by the sword..." Yada yada. I know this people.

The only way that I can explain this is to simply say that I am the kind of person whom, every once in a while, just wishes to do things concretely and to have excitement and some risk. I am fond of thinking that I would gladly die knowing I actually did some real fighting in an effort to make a difference, than sat idly by while reading story after story of failures of the Church at large to defend society against secularism. If you find yourself thinking any variation of the thoughts in the previous paragraph, just suffice it to say that you just don't understand what I'm talking about.

A nice little way to end this rant, I suppose, is that I know in the end that we will win. The last few verses of the bible quite explicitly say so. I can only hope that somehow I can take part...or something.

Yeah, yeah! I like how you illustrate everything I'm feeling, Aragorn!

Well, reader, I feel I've gotten off track a bit. Please pray for an end to secularism and fight in your everyday words, actions, and expressions of joy in your life in Christ to bring back a Christian culture. Only then can our crumbling world put an end to the increase in suicide, divorce, depression, and of course...sin.

Amen.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to fight for Christendom.

Saving the Princess.

For a long time, it always seemed like my princess was in another castle.

Let me take you back to a long time ago. I'm not exactly sure when it began but I was always very fascinated with heroes as a child. I would try to find books where a heroic protagonist could take me far, far away to a magical place where I could watch him save the world...or the universe. Courage, power, wisdom, and tenacity were the only qualities I really valued back then.

It wasn't until my gaming phase came into full swing that I could really lose myself in a hero. I could actually become the hero. It's amazing how wonderful it is sometimes when you are a young boy with low self-esteem to lose grip on reality for a little while and fight monsters, save the princess and the world. I don't really regret all the time I spent...sometimes. I think that all that immersion in other worlds and fantastic heroes really rubbed off on me in a good way.

I think even though until this past year I was always hurt when attempting to court ladies, I think it was better that I had a chivalrous, noble attitude towards it than a chauvinistic, womanizing one. Even without a good relationship with the Lord I still had a strong ideal of what a good, heroic man was and strove for it.

Still, I spent a long time as a loner and as such could be very alone with my thoughts. Because of all the stories I read and the heroes I became in video games I had a very unrealistic hope for my future. This has been somewhat tempered by the past six years of real life slapping me around a bit.

Despite that, what I still really want sometimes is to be a true hero. Not in the simple sense of a role model, or even someone who saves a kid from a burning building...something more like Link.

Link is the main character of a series of video games I've only recently been able to find time to enjoy. Link is a green-clad swordsman who travels across the land of Hyrule fighting incredibly powerful foes and exploring dungeons in search for missing pieces of the puzzle to saving his world. He is often allying with or saving the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda, and must always defeat the evil Ganondorf, a powerful warlock.

The more games in the series you play, the more you come to realize that there are actually many different Links with many different adventures throughout time, as well as many Zeldas and many Ganondorfs. See, in Link's world, there is something called the Triforce, and as the Triforce has been separated, the three parts have cleaved themselves to the hands of those who best embodied the three parts. Zelda has the Triforce of Wisdom on her hand, Ganondorf the Triforce of Power, and Link, the Triforce of Courage. Thus, Link is the living embodiment of Courage. Somehow, whenever Hyrule is in trouble, some incarnation (or reincarnation) of Link is ready to save the day. Link is exactly the sort of hero I like.

Life can become so disappointing when you get a taste of what it would feel like to live as a hero. I have a gift for suspension of disbelief - a suspension that allows me to really feel like I am the one who is really having these incredible adventures...for a little while. I guess it's not always a good thing.

I just wish that I had some kind of outlet for this intense desire to have a grand adventure. In this world there are no quests, only work and play. Sometimes only work.

I am at this point going to anticipate some instruction from my well-intentioned friends/readers. I know that only God can fulfill all of my desires and that heaven is the greatest quest on earth. Thank you (without any sarcasm). However, if you are telling me this in relation to my post, you have entirely missed the essence of what I'm trying to relate.

I'm going to at this point bring this back down to earth a little bit. I suppose the main point of this rather incoherent narrative is that I don't know how to reconcile my lofty aspirations with my easily-earned place in life. I have a great relationship and a good future. I just don't know how to appreciate it...and that makes me feel selfish.

I just wish I could make my own life more exciting somehow.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for adventure.