On shrinking ground.

"The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all."

Funny how my world has shrunk.

Not long ago, if I felt comfortable complaining about my life (I rarely do anymore), I would have probably whined about not having a girlfriend after all my effort at courtship, perhaps not having the friends I want or the family I want. Perhaps I might have said I wish I had more time to read or something of that nature.

Now, all I want is three meals a day, a little more sleep, and just one person to talk to every day.

At this point all I want to do is make it through grad school and move on to somewhere I can find a little peace. A few weeks ago I also would have told you school was the only thing in my life going pretty well - now I don't have that anymore. I got chewed up and spit out and now I'm questioning my ability to even be a counselor...not because of counseling but because of paperwork related to counseling. I'd say it was pathetic except that seems too shallow a term.

I have one thing, though, and that's the consolation that I've already done things I never thought I could do. In fact, I never thought I'd be capable of taking on as much work as I've done and still lived. Really. I was convinced I'd kill myself long before I got to this point, and here I am. Chugging along. Doing what I thought was impossible for someone like me.

Knowing what I'm capable of now, and knowing how I've consistently done what I thought I couldn't several times in the past few years, makes me feel pretty good. It's probably what I'm holding on to most at this point, as everything else has proved to be slippery ground.

Friend of mine happened to mention he felt my attitude to be "survival mode." As if it were a bad thing...Well, I suppose it would be better to really enjoy life. But that's not all what life is. Right now I am in "sink or swim" territory. Adapt or die. I will not easily get another chance at what I'm doing - perhaps not another chance at all. I need to work hard, get through this semester, graduate and get a job. That's it. What I'm doing now is what I must do. I can't let the opposite sex, friendships, family, or anything else like that get in the way. I just can't.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for higher ground.

Iron will.

I'm better now.

Sometimes the only reason I want to continue with something is because I can't stand to give up. I admire perseverance too much.

I like the hero of a story the most when he has his face in the mud but refuses to die.

For instance, one of my favorite moments in Dragon Ball Z is when Goku is being held under the water by Frieza, too hurt to fight back, slowly drowning...then he thinks about his family and finds the strength to beat his way to the surface.

I love the moment in the Lord of the Rings where Aragorn is quite sure that Frodo is dead and the Ring is in the hands of the enemy. Certain doom for them all. Yet, he clings on to hope and charges into battle against hundreds of thousands of orcs. Ready to fight, always.

For that matter, I love the part where Merry and Pippin are surrounded by Uruk-Hai, and Boromir rushes in to save them, literally taking them all on and winning...for a while, at least. He never gave up on redeeming himself...some of his last words being how sorry he was that he assaulted Frodo.

And what about Roland Deschain, last gunslinger of the line of Eld? Virtually all of his friends and family dead, murdered in the eternal war against darkness, the entire fabric of reality collapsing around him...the only one who can reach the Dark Tower and reverse the damage caused by the Crimson King and save all existence...yet he plods on. The most recognizable quote from the Dark Tower is "The man in black fled across the desert...and the gunslinger follows." His progress, like his will...inexorable.

In Star Wars, the moment where Luke is about to be executed via the long, slow digestion of the Sarlacc, lightsaber nowhere in sight, surrounded by Jabba's henchmen. When all hope was lost, he was prepared all along to fight for the freedom of his friends. Later, he shows that he never gave up on his father Darth Vader, whom was thought to be lost to evil even by the optimistic Obi-Wan, Vader's former mentor. Luke's love saved Darth Vader.

There are so many other examples that I love...William Wallace, the Elric brothers, Leonidas, Westley, Maximus...How can I give up when all of the fictional characters I admire never did? People who aren't even real. The characters I spent so long watching, reading about, wishing I was them...well, this is the way I will be like them. I won't give up, even on myself, on my own doubtful mind.

The example I know I should hold above all though, is the One who said, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" He never gave up, either.

He never gave up on me.

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was for a fight to the end.