On shrinking ground.

"The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all."

Funny how my world has shrunk.

Not long ago, if I felt comfortable complaining about my life (I rarely do anymore), I would have probably whined about not having a girlfriend after all my effort at courtship, perhaps not having the friends I want or the family I want. Perhaps I might have said I wish I had more time to read or something of that nature.

Now, all I want is three meals a day, a little more sleep, and just one person to talk to every day.

At this point all I want to do is make it through grad school and move on to somewhere I can find a little peace. A few weeks ago I also would have told you school was the only thing in my life going pretty well - now I don't have that anymore. I got chewed up and spit out and now I'm questioning my ability to even be a counselor...not because of counseling but because of paperwork related to counseling. I'd say it was pathetic except that seems too shallow a term.

I have one thing, though, and that's the consolation that I've already done things I never thought I could do. In fact, I never thought I'd be capable of taking on as much work as I've done and still lived. Really. I was convinced I'd kill myself long before I got to this point, and here I am. Chugging along. Doing what I thought was impossible for someone like me.

Knowing what I'm capable of now, and knowing how I've consistently done what I thought I couldn't several times in the past few years, makes me feel pretty good. It's probably what I'm holding on to most at this point, as everything else has proved to be slippery ground.

Friend of mine happened to mention he felt my attitude to be "survival mode." As if it were a bad thing...Well, I suppose it would be better to really enjoy life. But that's not all what life is. Right now I am in "sink or swim" territory. Adapt or die. I will not easily get another chance at what I'm doing - perhaps not another chance at all. I need to work hard, get through this semester, graduate and get a job. That's it. What I'm doing now is what I must do. I can't let the opposite sex, friendships, family, or anything else like that get in the way. I just can't.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for higher ground.

A mysterious silence.

I've actually written two blog posts since my last one, but I've deleted both of them. They were just not material for sharing.

Since then my mind has quieted a bit. The anger and personal issues I'd expressed in those writings are now mysteriously quiet. Usually I'm very well in-touch with my feelings and have lots of opinions about them. Now, I mostly feel numb.

"Then darkness took me; and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wandered far on roads that I will not tell," says Gandalf of his apparent death at the hands of the Balrog. I suppose even the strongest of us have only so much they can take before everything sort of...resets. And that's what I feel has happened to me.

I seem to be accepting or at least resigned to my friendship/relationship difficulties. I seem to be not thinking about my issues with Counseling ethics. I move on...I just go. And that's not like me. I live life actively, meaning, I think about it and consider where I'm going. I don't just...endure like this.

But that's what I'm doing now. I'm just going on.

Life goes on as I see people I love slip through my hands, people feign my friendship and those who seek to understand me understand less and less of me.

I suppose the best thing I can do for myself now is reflect on what I don't understand. I suppose when you're not reflecting on what's going on, the only way to not be stagnant is to reflect on your reflections. These are mine:

Things I don't understand

1. How a good friend whom I love a lot can so easily avoid my honest attempts to reach out and help
2. How people I've known who are so good and pure could be corrupted so completely
3. How people can seek pleasure so adamantly without realizing this means they obviously haven't found it
4. How so many of my friendships could have looked to last forever when they really only lasted a short time
5. How so many people can ignore what I'm trying to say because they'd rather remain the same than face the truth
6. How tolerance can be taught to be a higher value than human dignity
7. How people can seek something so strongly and reject it when it shows itself
8. How manhood can go from something so wonderful as courage, dignity, honor, and integrity, to being an ideal based on physical characteristics and sexual promiscuity
9. How women can be so easily seduced by an ideal based on seeing themselves as only free if they love anyone but themselves
10. How fallacies and false ideals can become true when they become fashionable, and the truth can be equated with hatred as soon as it becomes unpopular

An image of courage and dignity

 There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to think and understand.