On insincerity.

People need to figure out what a lie is.

A lie is intentionally saying something false. A lie is making promises you can't - or won't - keep. A lie is saying something you don't mean.

I get a lot of lies from people who really mean well. But they're really not doing well at all. Consider someone who says something nice but doesn't mean it at all - where does that leave the person receiving that lie? It is only delaying the day when they finally say "Well, I guess that person never meant what they said at all." Which hurts more than just saying the harsh truth up front.

I can finally admit that I am not well-liked by the majority of people. That's it, that's the bare facts. I hardly care anymore. How do I know this? It comes in actions, not words. At the end of the day, people can say all kinds of nice things to me and having nothing to back it up. I like that they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me they find me absolutely boring and uninteresting, but if I'm boring and uninteresting, I really don't mind knowing, rather than having to figure it out for myself.

Really, the people who are reading this blog right now hardly need told any of this, and I anticipate that this little rant is going to cost me a sit-down with one of my few true friends. Thank you, but no! You should know I mean none of you. It is the others from whom I hear a lot of nicey-nice talk but demonstrate constantly their insincerity.

I'm a grown man now. I'm really not demonstrating that very well right now, writing a rant on the Internet like a teenager and all, but if people understood this is the only real platform I am allowed unlimited expression of my feelings where they can be "heard" maybe I can be allowed a little indulgence. Still, I am a grown man. I can handle someone telling me they'd rather not be my friend. That doesn't hurt me as much as it hurts to be led to believe I have many friends, when in reality I do not.

I want true friendships, virtuous friendships, sincere and involved friendships. I don't want to hear from people that I am something to them I am not. The reality of that grievous lie comes out the first time I see them again, when people are around and they can't even look me in the eye and say "hello." That doesn't sound like friendship at all to me. Oh no.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for sincerity.

Preoccupations and lies.

Again, many things have changed emotionally since my last post.

I'm fine now. In fact, I started to get a lot better only shortly after my last post. Why? Honestly, I think it was all the video games. Video games, for reasons I can't explain, seem to numb all my social senses, including loneliness. I should probably elaborate, but that's a subject for another post.

Lately I've noticed that my thoughts haven't been moving from one thing to another as I would like but recurring over the same thoughts over and over. It's become more of a preoccupation rather than a "thought stream" if you will. Mostly, I seem to be preoccupied with thoughts of my family, and a person.

A conversation with a friend today led me to understand that I do hide things from time to time. I typically characterize myself as someone who is very open and honest, but during conversation with this friend I realized that I was hiding something - for a good reason, and I was quick to explain why I had to not reveal something. Still, I couldn't help but notice that I almost didn't catch that was what I was doing...I was so sure that I was an open person that I didn't realize I actually don't share everything...just most things. Anything that is convenient for me to share, I do. And that is the vast majority of things I want to share...but I do have secrets. And I also have things that I shouldn't share, because they would damage myself or another person, or can't, because they are other people's secrets...but I digress.

This knowledge of my preoccupations coupled with my realization about my secrets led me to think about lying.  Lying, I believe, is less about making up a convincing story or creating something that isn't true but more about concealing what is true. When you lie your goal is not to create a fine tale but to do whatever possible to hide the truth. Should you tell a lie, you care less about what they believe so long as it's not the truth that you seek to hide. For instance, you don't care if your parents believe the dog knocked over the lamp or the tooth fairy, so long as they don't know it is you who actually broke the lamp.

Well, I sometimes forget about this, but I'm a really good liar. You kind of need to be a good liar to even hope to be a counselor...not because you lie to your patients (never, ever) but because sometimes you must conceal a truth that would be harmful for your client to hear (such as, you not liking them). I used to lie a lot, before following God a little more closely. At one time I was so good at it, I hid something very obvious for an entire summer without getting caught.

These days there is not much use for that skill, besides keeping a poker face from time to time and "picking my battles" when I would really like to say a truth that the world is not quite ready for.

Getting back to preoccupations, in a roundabout way (as you can see by the lengthy explanation above) I discovered that even though I can lie/conceal truth to other people I simply cannot do so to myself. My preoccupations reveal something to me I do not wish to believe. What that is...I am concealing for now. Sorry, but it's not really all that important to this blog post anyway. What I mean to say is, I have tried to lie even to myself, but failed...and I doubt it will ever be possible to lie to myself without regressing to a less self-aware state.

Anyone who reads these posts will notice I am a holistic person. My solitary boast: I have done a really good job of learning about myself and how my mind works. That said, such self-knowledge has made it impossible for me to not know something about myself of which I'd rather remain unaware. Like I said, I've been preoccupied with my family and with a person. At this point, my actions on these thoughts are all up to me, but I cannot avoid what these preoccupations reveal to me about my feelings...revelations that would be more helpful if they were hidden...at least, at this point, I believe they would. Maybe I would be more susceptible to doing something stupid if they were there and I was unaware of them.

Time will tell.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for truth of thought.

Something about people.

I really like people.

Really, I do. But I can't help feeling that much of the time people have let me down. What I mean is, as much as I reach out to people in friendship, and attempt to be someone reliable when things get rough, it is seldom that I get the same in return...and never for the reason I would hope for.

Living in a community of people who are both God-centered and compassionate, I can understand why people might feel like I am either lying, not paying attention, or am expecting too much. But it's a lot different than that.

There are four reasons why people care about another person:

1. They want something out of the other person.
2. They feel like they should.
3. It's their job.
4. They want to.

In my experience, a lot of what's going on is numbers two and three in the list. And while some help is better than none at all, I need someone who cares about me because they want to. Not because they feel morally obligated to or because that's just what they do as a missionary or minister.

Let me back up before I get too ahead of myself. I kinda got the short end of the stick when it comes to moral support. My Dad is about as sensitive as a rock and only ever calls to make sure I'm doing things right. My sister is too busy to care much about my life. My little brother despises me. My Mom is dead. My relatives live too far away. All of the "best friends" I had in high school seem to give not much of a shit about me anymore, since my attempts at keeping in touch and hanging out once in a while are met with what I can only describe as apathy.

Around here, if you know where I live, you would think things might be a little different. And it is, somewhat. There are plenty of people around here whom I could vent my frustrations to, and spend time with. But, you must understand, I realize this is only a temporary thing. These people are around here now, but will be gone from my life before long. When I seek them now, they answer, if they have time. But before long, they'll be gone, and because they help me not because of number four on the list above but because of number two or three, I know that our friendship will become little more than a "We'll keep in touch" sort of arrangement. No guarantees on that, even.

It seems when I am most happy in life, I have someone whom I strongly believe cares about me because they want to. Yet, time after time, I'm proven wrong. They forget about me. Or I find out they never really meant a lot of the nice things they said about me, or about our friendship. It's a disappointment I've come to count on.

And yet, I'm held to blame. I expect too much from people, they say. I should rely more on God, they say. Easier said than done. Is it wrong of me to expect at least one of the couple dozen people I invited to a lunch/dinner chat to invite me in return? Is it wrong of me to be upset when people forget about me? What about forgetting twice? If I was a ninja, I would expect to be forgotten, but this is ridiculous!

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that someday I would have someone who loved me as much as I loved them.