An apathetic friend.

The further away I get from college life, the less I care about it.

It used to be that I was really broken up about the end of my life as a college student, and how much I missed the lifestyle and the friendships, but these days I am finding that more and more I do not miss it and do not care if my old friends have anything to say to me. That does not trouble me because I wish it were different, it troubles me because it is so opposed to everything I thought about myself.

It used to be that I firmly believed that all friendships could and should last forever, and that only a faithless friend says goodbye after life changes. But now, I am finding that the longer ago it is since I called someone, the more I think about just never calling them again. Friends whom I shared life with and thought warmly of, friends that I felt so much love for, and now...I just don't care.

Have I become a selfish person? Have I just become comfortable with my daily routine, apathetic toward the lives of others? Does this have something to do with becoming a counselor? I do not know.

Maybe I have just become like everyone else...perhaps this is how most people feel about friendships, and all along it was I who was missing out, not understanding why other people don't care about me - perhaps they did care, but were apathetic about showing it. I wish I knew.

It's been over a year since I left college, and it's been a good half a year since I made regular efforts to reach out to friends from my old life. More and more, I find that now that in my new life, I also don't care as much about being friends with people. They can reach out to me or leave me alone...I am apathetic. This troubles me.

I am afraid that my personality is changing, and I'm not sure if it's for the best.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to care forever.

Something about people.

I really like people.

Really, I do. But I can't help feeling that much of the time people have let me down. What I mean is, as much as I reach out to people in friendship, and attempt to be someone reliable when things get rough, it is seldom that I get the same in return...and never for the reason I would hope for.

Living in a community of people who are both God-centered and compassionate, I can understand why people might feel like I am either lying, not paying attention, or am expecting too much. But it's a lot different than that.

There are four reasons why people care about another person:

1. They want something out of the other person.
2. They feel like they should.
3. It's their job.
4. They want to.

In my experience, a lot of what's going on is numbers two and three in the list. And while some help is better than none at all, I need someone who cares about me because they want to. Not because they feel morally obligated to or because that's just what they do as a missionary or minister.

Let me back up before I get too ahead of myself. I kinda got the short end of the stick when it comes to moral support. My Dad is about as sensitive as a rock and only ever calls to make sure I'm doing things right. My sister is too busy to care much about my life. My little brother despises me. My Mom is dead. My relatives live too far away. All of the "best friends" I had in high school seem to give not much of a shit about me anymore, since my attempts at keeping in touch and hanging out once in a while are met with what I can only describe as apathy.

Around here, if you know where I live, you would think things might be a little different. And it is, somewhat. There are plenty of people around here whom I could vent my frustrations to, and spend time with. But, you must understand, I realize this is only a temporary thing. These people are around here now, but will be gone from my life before long. When I seek them now, they answer, if they have time. But before long, they'll be gone, and because they help me not because of number four on the list above but because of number two or three, I know that our friendship will become little more than a "We'll keep in touch" sort of arrangement. No guarantees on that, even.

It seems when I am most happy in life, I have someone whom I strongly believe cares about me because they want to. Yet, time after time, I'm proven wrong. They forget about me. Or I find out they never really meant a lot of the nice things they said about me, or about our friendship. It's a disappointment I've come to count on.

And yet, I'm held to blame. I expect too much from people, they say. I should rely more on God, they say. Easier said than done. Is it wrong of me to expect at least one of the couple dozen people I invited to a lunch/dinner chat to invite me in return? Is it wrong of me to be upset when people forget about me? What about forgetting twice? If I was a ninja, I would expect to be forgotten, but this is ridiculous!

There was a dream that I dreamed, and that dream was that someday I would have someone who loved me as much as I loved them.