Inside my madness; and other tales.

I am a firm believer in common insanity.

Everyone has their own little weirdness, their own quirks and little insanities. If you follow my blog, you know something of my insanity...I'm quite sure the last three posts or so have been the product of my own special insanity. If you're not sure what I mean, allow me to explain.

If I'm not careful, I can get into some pretty sick thinking.

Observe:



This is a "normal" view of time. The past is permanent, immutable, fixed. Existing only in memory. The future is full of two or more possible directions at any one time.

This is my view of time when I devolve into sick thinking. I count every time I've gone "off the mark" of what I perceived to be the "good path" of my life (marked with blue) into the "bad path" of my life (marked with red). Imagine thinking about every instance of your life where things were inevitably and irrevocably turned in a direction that impacted the rest of your life - and disliking the result. It's not a nice burden to place on oneself.

This is the kind of thinking that has influenced the past few months of blog posts. I'm sorry if it's been repetitive or depressing. I don't apologize for writing it. It was good for me.

Things are better now, because I have relearned (with some help, no doubt) a few gems of wisdom that I feel are important for me to try to keep in mind next time I start this thinking again (and believe me, it will happen). It's sad to think that I've learned all these things before and simply forgotten, only to learn again by making myself miserable. Do you hear me sigh? Here goes.

Knowing the result of everything I try to do is unimportant compared to knowing whether or not what I am doing is good. If I believe in the power of the good, I should trust in the good to take care of the rest. If I truly believe that God exists (which I do) and that he is a good God, the power of good is virtually unlimited. It "echoes in eternity." If my soul is to last for eternity, it must be tied up to the good. If I am striving for that, everything else is nothing.

Knowing who I am means knowing what I can and cannot do. I can invite someone to coffee after only barely knowing them, because I'm kinda curious about who they are, and I'm bold enough to violate any social norm to do what I want, dammit. I can't change the past because it's over and I'm not a time traveller. It means knowing my boundaries. Being assertive. No means no, no matter how many times I'm asked. It means saying what I mean and what I feel, regardless of how others may negatively perceive me.

Finally, I must accept whatever comes my way. There are two different ways to take on life: fighting to make things happen, and surrendering to whatever fate God brings me. What one needs to be happy is to do both...my problem is that I was only doing the former. A fruitless battle guaranteed to make me miserable...because if something is not meant to happen, it will not happen. There is no shame in saying "Very well then. What will be will be." I did not understand this - it felt like cowardice. No more.

This is what I've learned - take what you will.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for sanity.

Blissful serenity.

I find that much of the time I feel very happy to just be mellow.

Today was a slow day. I can't be happier that it was. I must be getting old, or something, because my personality has utterly changed in this regard - I no longer crave adventure and excitement in the same way as I once did.

Once upon a time, I would be very disappointed if a day passed where I did not experience some sort of excitement, or at least, some kind of tug at my emotions.  Now I find that people often tell me I look tired or upset - the reality is, I often feel very content. Peaceful, even.  And this is without any excitement necessary.

I take pleasure in finding that things are moving along at a leisurely pace. I find comfort in slowing down. Well, certain things anyway, I'm still impatient sometimes...but other things, like conversations, relationships, reading books, my thoughts...I like it slow now.

That's the new adventure and excitement. Watching the world move by slowly, rather than quickly. Wondering what will happen next passively rather than actively. No longer finding it necessary to anticipate the future. I'm not worried, I'm here, and I can only do what I can in the moment: the NOW.

I think perhaps part of this is that I have gained some measure of emotional independence. I more or less choose how I wish to feel, now. I don't need to confide in anyone, although I still enjoy doing so. Any outstanding emotions on my horizon I acknowledge, feel, but let them pass through me. It's really nice. I don't miss the frantic excitement and/or anxiety of always wondering and waiting - because now I can enjoy the moment more.

This is wonderful, you see. There are so many other people out there who always need someone. Now, I certainly don't. And this will set me free to love people more - and better.

I haven't made reference to God in this blog in a while, but I suppose this is a prime opportunity. I really don't know as I write this if I've grown in virtue or not, but I do know that my prayer has been much more productive than usual. Maybe this peace is from God, and maybe it is the change in my personality.

Either way, this is the most interesting development of my personality in over a year, and I must say it's a welcome change.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for blissful serenity.